RESET 2019 [COMPLETE]

Last Na Promise

July 11, 2020

Totoo last entry ko na to, di ko na dadagdagan. I just want to make it a decent 10 Chapter book and because I can't sleep, I need to release the tension my mind can't keep still. 

As of now asa hotel ako quarantine, nag-aantay sa resulta ng swab test na ginawa sa airport. Opo, nakauwi na po ako sa ating bansang minamahal. Sabi naman sa inyo the end will always be better. As for me, my whole stress living in Dubai unemployed and away from my family had finally END.

Hindi ko alam kung interesado kayo, pero just to keep track on one of my major life problem (Covid included), I was a victim of an abusive employer abroad. Hindi sila literal na abusive physically, but the mental pressure and torture I get from them was absolutely severe.

First, last October, my 2 years contract had ended and I have the option to exit the country with free return ticket and final pay, however as selfish as I am I decided to renew. Opo, I agree to work another 2 years despite of hating the job so much. Ewan ko ba, minsan talaga, hindi madalas pala, nakakasilaw ang pera. Well sino ba naman kasing aayaw sa 3000 dirham monthly na katumbas na ng almost 41,000 in peso, not included the incentives you'll get if you do good. So syempre ako kahit na I computed almost a hundred thousand to my savings if I choose to leave, I still want more! 

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, kulang pa, go pa tayo, kaya si tangang gahaman binigay ang passport sa employer for renewal though alam ko na, na yung mga nauna pa sa akin na kailangan ng visa is pending pa din. Alam mo yung may warning signal na, pero dahil lang sa pagkagahaman at di pagkakontento sa kung anong meron currently, I still jump on that sweet fire. 

On the first month okay pa ko, kasi may grace period naman yung visa ng 30 days, hindi pa ko ma-o-overstay, so go lang, hanggang sa lumagpas na ko dun and everyday kinukulit ko na sila about my fines and all, kasi hello UAE, hindi ako taga-roon and the fines will kill all my savings if ever. 

I was very worried, EVERY single fcking day. Kasi everyday nadadagdagan yung fine and penalty, tapos tong company walangya, sabi lang ng sabi na I don't have to worry, everything is under process. Yung under process nila umabot na po ng COVID!

Imagine they hold my passport starting October, my visa expired November, and my fines started December. Hindi ko alam kung sadyang pasensyosa lang akong tao, or tanga lang talaga at pinaabot ko pa ng Covid bago ako nag-decide na mag-resign. 

And the worst feeling is, I EVEN CRY when I sent the fcking resignation email! Like ano? Masama pa rin yung loob ko na aalis ako sa company? I don't know if I am too good for them, or I am just really naive and stupid. 

Came June, dun na sumabog lahat ng problema ko. My mom got diagnose with depression while still having a heart disease, I got unemployed with no salary, I don't even know the status of my fcking overstay visa, and the money I have on my bank account is my only savior to buy one way ticket to fly back home. 

As in sobrang tangina. Everyday anxiety, di makatulog, and di na rin ako makaiyak, hindi ko na alam kung anong point yun ng buhay ko, parang lunod ka na, pero gumigising ka pa rin kinabukasan. 

Until one day, I decided to install an application where I can chat with total strangers around the globe. Hindi siya dating app, though at the back of my mind, I was hoping to know someone who can at least hug and kiss me virtually? Kasi nakakabaliw na e, and I know romance will definetly divert it. Gusto kong magrelease ng maraming dophamine para maging masaya without buying chocolates. Gusto ko yung may halong care, so I did that. 

I talked with stangers, joined a weird group chat and finally met someone who understand my pain. Doon ko na realize na I am still very lucky, sa totoo lang, alam ko naman na yung problema ko hindi ganun kalala compare sa iba, kaso alam mo yung wala ka ng makausap na kakilala mo? 

Again hindi ko alam kung ako lang pero when you need someone to listen to your pain, the one you expected to hear it won't even be there. Busy sila ma-solve din yung problema nila, and I feel na kapag sinabi ko pa sakanila, I'll be a burden na. 

So yes, I find my friendly therapist online with a total stranger, and it is good to hear a different voice, a different point of view, and a genuine advisor. Nakakatawa kasi until the end, we didn't take it any further. My point is, minsan kailangan mo lang talaga ng makikinig sayo ng walang halong judgement hanggang sa ikaw na lang din yung mag-sasawang magkwento until you'll end up asking them about themselve. Then the sharing begins, until I finally felt healed. 

This person made me realize that I don't have to drag the pain further kasi ako lang yung talo. Kung hindi ako magiging optimistic walang mangyayari. Nung ni-remind niya ko nun, asa isip ko pa na madaling sabihin mahirap gawin, pero what really changed my mind is when I started looking at the others around me. 

Through out my life akala ko I was always the listener, ako yung laging sumasalo sa mga problema nila, ako yung laging takbuhan, na sa akin sila nagre-relay, yun pala through out my life I was just pretending that I care. Nakikinig pero hindi iniintindi, nag-aadvise, pero hindi from the heart.

I was indeed selfish.

So I did let go of that ego, that pride, that selfishness, all of it. 

Then suddenly, unti-unti naging better ang lahat. News came, Dubai grant amnesty for 3 months, yung ticket na mahal kahapon, biglang bumama yung price (I grab it), company call, saying they'll release my final pay and EVERYTHING, bigla na lang kailangan ko na lang mag-antay ng flight ko pa-Manila. 

And it happen, that's why I am here. 

Hmmm, sinulat ko to para lang din iremind kayo na kapit lang, lahat ng problema may solusyon, kung hindi man ngayon, darating din yan, makakamtan mo rin yang peace of mind na inaasam mo. Kaya natin to, again it will only get better. So tama na ang complaint, let's do what we can today, and live kasi sigurado ako gigisingin ka pa rin ni Lord bukas, so walang saysay na maging negative kada mulat ng mga mata mo. :)

Ciao! 

Signing off

Kwon Jaeli