My Kind of Woman

40. Your Tiny, Tired Soldier

"I have driven across the state and beyond for you. Are you fucking kidding me!" His voice was a loud hiss. "Get your shit and get in the car!"

My mouth was moving before I could register my words: "No one forced you to drive out here."

His stare was then directed at me and it bore into me. "This is my wife, of course I had to drive out here. In case you forgot, she has a fucking daughter and a family. She can't just run away; she doesn't have that option."

"She's a grown woman, she can do what she likes," I snapped. Mio cringed, still shaking, eyes still wet.

In the next moment, he'd snatched the neck of my shirt up into his large fist, yanking the material and creasing it. Mio yelled at him to let go, but his grip didn't loosen. His eyes were full of rage, staring down into the depths of me. He hated me.

"Listen to me," he growled, "I'm being cheated on by my wife with a fucking girl over half my age. I've had to deal with complete humiliation, by the entire fucking town! You know, I hope when you get back, they go on a witch hunt and they humiliate you too. I hope they ruin your shit life. So, give me a break and don't fucking run your mouth to me. I don't care what you mean to Mio, I don't, I'll bust your fucking face in. Now, your dad is outside, and he is not a happy man, so I suggest you pack your shit and run along, before I send you to him a bloody mess. I can handle a lawsuit, Norah, I hope you know that."

Mio was crying again, really sobbing. The sight broke me. I could no longer feel my anger rising in me, the anger that had provoked me to retaliate, that had provoked me to want to strike him. All I wanted was her safety, and her happiness, it was all I'd ever wanted, but she was crying in her nightgown, standing in a shitty motel room whilst her husband was threatening me. That was not happiness. And I knew she wouldn't be happy if she went back. She was not in love with him, he didn't really care about her, only his reputation and his desire to control her. But I couldn't go and find her. She wouldn't let me go and find her, even when we were back. I wanted to go and save her there, but I couldn't.

I said nothing. He let go of my shirt. He grumbled at Mio to leave and she trudged out of the apartment, barefoot, sniffing. I shoved my clothes into my suitcase, took my book and my phone off of the bedside table and passed Mr. Reed at the door.

Nothing felt like it was really happening. I thought a few times that I was delusional, or that I was living through a particularly realistic nightmare. But the rain on my face and shirt was cold and sobering, as was the sting of my eyes as I tried to focus on my dad's face through the shine of his headlights.

There was a face staring at me, from the backseat of Mr. Reed's car. It was Jackie, looking pale and blank, like a ghostly figment of my mind's overactivity. She was looking right at me, but her face was void of any kind of emotion. I couldn't smile, I couldn't wave, so I just passed her like I hadn't known her in the first place. Like we were strangers.

My dad's face became more obvious as I neared the truck, his features looked soft and anxious. Still, I slid onto the backseat instead of the front, lugging my suitcase across the seats. He didn't say anything to me, just sighed, and started to drive away, moving towards the highway, back towards Twin. I didn't look back at Mr. Reed's car, or for Mio, or the motel. My heart was already aching plenty, swirling like a black hole in my chest that was hollowing me out. I was withering. I would be nothing by the time we got back to Twin

Half an hour passed before my dad said anything. I assumed he was just being passive, being awkward, not knowing how to respond to the situation. But I was wrong.

"I never would've expected something like this from you," he said very abruptly. "I'm disgusted."

"Can we talk when we get back? I'm exhausted."

"You're exhausted? I've been worrying for days on end about my missing daughter that no one would take seriously because of your age! What do you want me to say to you, Norah? Something nice? Something comforting? Because I can't. I can't hide how appalled I am." He was gripping the steering wheel. "Why would you do something like this?"

I said nothing. With each second that passed, I felt lonelier and lonelier in the world. I was shrinking down into a spec of myself, submerging down under the earth, every sound muffling around me. I think it was a result of my heart really breaking, I think I felt it. It was a stinging tear under my ribs that made my chest burn and my eyes prick with tears. It felt like an anxiety attack, like I was on the tipping point of pure panic. I couldn't hear anything my dad was saying, it was all vibrations and muffled sound. All my ears were filled with was my ragged breaths and my blood rushing and flowing under my skin.

My dad's voice pierced through. "Are you even listening? I'm telling you embarrassed of you I am! Norah! You're being awful to me, you know? You're nothing like my daughter anymore. Norah!"

I was gasping, clawing at the window, pushing my fingers clumsily into the button on the armrest. I realised then it wasn't Mio's car and I sobbed. It was a rotating window-opener. I reached for it and tugged it around, tears streaking my face, my nose running, chest heaving.

"Norah? Norah, what's wrong? Norah!" My dad called worriedly, glancing over his shoulder, trying to simultaneously keep his eyes on the road. His anger had dissolved, and anxiety had overtaken his face.

I couldn't go back to Twin; I couldn't be without her - who would I even be anymore? I had nothing anymore. I still had more to learn. I was begging at the universe, praying. I hadn't even realised that my dad had stopped the car and was shaking at my shoulders. My vision was blurring. I couldn't even tell what was happening to me anymore, but my body was denying my defeat.

-

I was still taken back to Twin. My summer continued back there, in my sweaty house, in my lonely room, in my empty bed. My dad left food and water outside of my bedroom on a tray like I was a prisoner. He wasn't talking to me. I think he didn't know what to say, or that he was worried I would freak out again. But I was past that section of my heartbreak, I was just limp and exhausted. I lived on water, and overslept. I missed her voice and her face, her lips and teeth and eyes, her sensibility and her touch. I always slept melancholy without her. I'd come to be so used to sleeping with her curled into me or hugging me. I was hollow without the contact. My pillow or my duvet rolled up tightly wasn't the same, it was cold and lifeless. Her body blushed and warmed, it breathed and pulsed and fluttered. Her mouth was hot, her breath was gentle.

I wanted to hear her. But I was obedient to her wishes; I didn't go and find her. At one desperate point, I tried to call her, hoping she hadn't forgotten her phone at the motel. But the number had been disconnected completely. I was left with just the beeping tone of nothing. Then silence. Slowly, my ties to her were being severed. Soon there would be nothing left to hold us together. I didn't have a clue how her summer was progressing, how she was, if she missed me, if she'd tried to contact me. It was radio silence.

And Mr. Reed had been right. Everybody knew. I got funny looks in the shop or when I went out to clear my head - which was only in the first week, after that I stayed inside as to avoid it all. I even saw a picture of myself on a missing sign, sweeping down the street on the wind. But I had seen none for Mio. But really that was no surprise. We were both women, adults, no wonder our disappearance was overlooked, but it was our return that sparked interest. No doubt, people had gotten together and connected the dots. And strangely, the first thing I thought was, I wonder if Giana knows? I wasn't going to contact her, or seek her out, but I just wondered. She too would become, like Jackie and the rest of Twin, someone I would never see again.

Because once September came, I left for Canada. 

Afternote: New favourite line, "should I come and find you once we're back?" Ouch, even for me. Two chapters left...