The Ex Wife

chapter forty one: her

NATHAN

There is so much beauty in faithfulness.

Why didn't I see that?

I think I may genuinely go mad. I don't know what to do with myself. This lie, this secret, this mistake... it is going to swallow me whole.

I'm a married man. I was wed to the woman of my dreams and I wholeheartedly fucked it up, because when she finds out, I'm done for. She will leave in the blink of an eye. Cameron will get her back. No Logan. No dream woman to care for. I'll be alone.

I was wondering whether I should go to therapy and get a professional's point of view. Talk to someone about my guilt. But what good would that do, right? I'd be wasting a couple hundred per hour for useless advice. I know what I did was low.

I don't need a person with a license to tell me how to right my wrongs, and grow, and whatever else they'd likely say along those lines.

So I did something else, probably very much worse than seeing a therapist.

I told her damn brother.

"What's so urgent that I had to come all the way here for? You're paying, by the way," Luca muttered, as he uncomfortably sat down in the Michelin star restaurant I booked us brunch at. I thought it was discreet, as there is no risk of bumping into anyone we know. It's ridiculously expensive, and we do fine dining - just not casually.

"I just need to get something off my chest man. I have to get this out into the air,"

"I'm all for men's mental health and all, but I have to say I'm surprised you've come to me of all people." Luca says. The waiter approached and we ordered what we wanted. "I'll be honest and say you don't look so good."

I laughed nervously. That's probably because I've just recovered from my boozy business trip.

"I just- it's not good. I don't know what to fucking do." I said.

"Talk to me, you're starting to scare me." He said, sipping slowly and adjusting his posture, evidently concerned.

I explained it as clearly and detailed as I could to him.

I was just a guy at the bar. A married guy, having a drink on holiday. Upset because of my jealousy towards Cameron, I had a few, alone. I wasn't even sure what I wanted to gain by getting piss drunk because it doesn't make any of it better, but people do it in the movies and I needed a real breather.

Madison and Isaac's wedding was so close and all the love in the environment was intoxicating to everyone, except me, feeling numb towards it. Lindy was trying, I know she was. She was protecting me, and protecting us. She never hurt me and I know she never ever would.

Cameron swept in and took them out for a family meal. It's blatantly obvious what he wanted and what he was doing.

I shouldn't have let him get the best of me. Lindy was my fiancé at the time, and that was enough proof of her commitment to me. My ego and cowardice convinced me otherwise.

I met a woman that night. She was an event planner. A very driven and passionate woman. She approached me, desperate to know why a man like me could look so glum. We became roughly acquainted and had more drinks together. I did not utter a word of my status to her and let her pursue me.

I slept with her in her room an hour later. Today, I don't even remember her name.

It's funny, because in the moment, I was only thinking of my Lindy and I didn't even stop. I kept going, until we were both done. The clarity hit after I left the room and I cried in a storage room, where I then pushed it away and pretended it didn't happen.

In my head, I was still an engaged man loyal to one woman. This worked out perfectly for me until the actual wedding.

When Melinda Marcellano became Melinda Wellington, I realised we were not secure at all. I had her, yes, but she didn't have me.

I wasn't the man she married. Her "perfect" husband is not perfect at all. And I don't know what to do to make it okay, because I know that what I did is not and will never be okay. I refuse to lose her.

I can't keep this from her but I refuse to lose her. I'm standing at a crossroads with myself-

"What the fuck, Nathan?" Luca interrupted. He spoke to himself for a second, saying, "I cannot believe I just sat through all of that quietly,"

"I know, I know, I really just need you to-"

"No! No. I've heard enough, why the fuck are you telling me this?" He spat. "I am not the Marcellano you should be confessing to. If you don't tell her, I'll do it myself."

My eyes widen and I realise again, that I've fucked up.

"Luca, you can't tell her."

"Yes I fucking can! This is my sister we're talking about. I'm not letting her stick around with yet another scumbag. You've already kept this to yourself for months."

"And she is my wife! I will do it! For her, I'll do it."

"You say that like you're doing her a favour. Whether it's me or you, she'll be broken."

I looked down and sighed. I could feel my chest pounding, as my heart was racing.

"I thought you were one of the good ones. Really is a fucking shame," Luca said, as he picked up his blazer and walked out.

Getting home, I felt out of place. I've been back from my trip for a few days and I feel so awful acting like a doting husband to my wife when my infidelity is eating me alive. It really has been on overdrive since we married, and I don't know if it's a psychological thing.

I was literally fine until our wedding.

Had no issues, and then all of a sudden, it's to feel an absolute waste of a man around her. Kissing her, hugging her, doing things for her, sleeping with her... you name it.