My Kind of Woman

34. State Of Dormancy

"Get out! Just get the fuck out! Now!" She screamed from the doorway, still throwing clothes at me, clothes that were even mine at that point.

The landing light came on, and I was bathed in jarring yellow light. I whipped my head to the side of me to see Mio and Mr. Reed standing in the hall. Mio's eyes found me instantly, features wobbling with concern, scanning my face for answers. I couldn't tell her, as much as I wanted to be with her, lie in her arms and tell her about how awful my night had been. But after this night, I was sure I'd never be back. It was over.

"Hey! Hey! What's going on? Jackie!" Mr. Reed called angrily, jogging through into the bedroom.

Embarrassed and on the verge of an anxiety attack, I scrambled to my feet, gripping my belongings in my hand, and got out the house as fast as possible. My legs were shaking. I didn't look back at Mio, knowing it would only make me feel worse.

The night was cool, and almost instantly, my trembling legs had goosebumps. I was hyperventilating, my head was spinning. No one called back for me, but I still looked around. All the upstairs lights were on, making the house glow against the still night, making it the only bright house on a row of dormant ones. I didn't linger. I stumbled all the way home, shoes half off of my feet and gasping. I was clutching my things tightly to my chest, letting my breath hiccup and catch in my throat. But I didn't cry. I couldn't, shock had turned me to a walking shell, a skeleton of myself.

I was still wearing Jackie's bed clothes. I started to smell her futon on me.

I fumbled my house key into the lock and pushed into the house on shaky knees. The heels of my feet were sore from the scuff of the pavement. Accidentally, I dropped my phone and bag onto the floorboards, wincing at the sound of them clattering against the wood.

"Christ, Norah, you scared me," I heard from the top of the stairs. I gasped and fell back against the door.

My dad was squinting down at me, dressed for bed and features weighted with tiredness. I probably looked like a deer caught in headlights. He only looked confused and exhausted.

"What happened? Why are you back? I thought you were staying at Jackie's tonight," he said, coming down the stairs slowly.

"I, uh - we fell out," my voice was shaking. I think he noticed because he only nodded in reply.

I followed behind him, back up the stairs, and whispered a 'goodnight' before closing the door to my room. My hands were still shaking even as I got into bed, as I pulled the covers up over my head and curled against the mattress. Shock had half-frozen me. I was trembling like I'd been locked in the cold, and hopelessly folded in on myself. I was wondering what Mio was thinking, whether Jackie had immediately told her and Mr. Reed the contents of our conversation. I wondered if she was frightened, or feeling alone. I wished we weren't so far apart, I wished it wasn't like this, I wished we were in a place where we wouldn't have anxieties, where I'd be able to wake out of a bad dream with her lying at my side in our bed. I'd be warm, she'd be warm, it would be radiating off our bodies. But instead, I was lay, shivering and anxious, in my cold single bed. Alone.

-

After a night lacking sleep, I didn't even bother to pretend I was going to school. I rolled against my mattress away from the door and shut my eyes, hoping my exhaustion would finally let me sleep.

Jackie didn't call me. She didn't text me. For a few hours, I was invisible to the universe. My dad didn't come into my room, only left a note on the counter (which I saw later) telling me that he loved me and I should rest up. Nobody was thinking of me, yet my anxieties hadn't disappeared. They sat, low and heavy, in the pit of my stomach. There was far too much I was still uncertain about. I needed to see Mio, but I was sure I wouldn't be welcome anywhere near her for a long time. That only made everything ten times worse.