To All The Girls I've Loved Before

Only a girl

Tzuyu's P.O.V

After I dropped Sana off from our day at the skating rink, I couldn't help but have a smile on my face. I like spending time with her, it's like I can be myself without trying to be someone I'm not.

Like Lisa.

Ever since I started being friends with her, I had to act like her and do what she says. I couldn't say no, because well, my mom and her mom are best of friends and I needed to be friends with her for their sake.

I hate how I can't think for myself when I'm home or at school. But with Sana, it's different. She doesn't expect me to be someone who she wants me to be. She likes me for me.

Ever since we started hanging out, I've come to realize that she's not a terrible person like Lisa says. She's not a monster neither. She's a girl like every other girl.

But she's different.

I can't seem to wrap my head around it, but I never can seem to stop thinking about her. I'm not sure if it's because when I'm with her I can be the person I want to be, or something else.

I admit that I have tiny feelings for her, which I'm sure will vanish soon. Ever since I've known her, I always liked her as a person. But those feelings started becoming something more. I always like her, but I never told anybody.

My parents are homophobic and I don't know what they'll do if I tell them that I like a girl.

I like Sana Minatozaki.

I never thought it would happen. From the start of us meeting, she hated me. If she didn't say it, she showed it. She was clear on hating me, along with her friends. I just never thought I'd see the day of us hanging out more and more.

I needed someone to talk to about this whole thing. I couldn't go to Sana, I mean what would I say?

I'm not going to come out and say that I like her. She might not like me back and that could ruin our friendship, and I don't want to ruin it.

I couldn't go to Lisa, because well, she'll just bitch me out and call me names, then tell the whole school and I'll be a laughing stock, and my family will find out then kick me out.

Oh the joys of falling for the same gender.

Boy oh boy, wouldn't it be amazing if no one gave a shit about who you liked and didn't criticize you for what you wanted or who you liked?

Not sure if a place like that exists.

It's Sunday night and I have homework to do but I can't focus. I'm not use to all these feelings swirling around and I have no one to talk to. It sucks only having people like you for someone you're not.

I wish I could change Lisa's mind about all of this. She used to understand. She used to know how it feels to fall for a girl.

She used to be a lesbian.

It surprised me when she became this person who hated almost everyone. She used to be so happy and full of life, not mean and hated everything.

She and I started became friends in fifth grade. We did everything together. We had sleepovers and invited each other to birthday parties. She used to be carefree.

She told me one night when we were sleeping at her house, that she liked a girl. She asked me if that was wrong but I told her that it wasn't, as long as you're happy.

She started dating that girl in eighth grade, but they remained hidden. I told her that she shouldn't do that because it didn't matter who didn't approve of it. It was her life and if everyone doesn't like it, then it didn't matter.

She didn't listen though, she said that her mom didn't approve of anything like that. Her mom never did like anything that didn't "make sense". She'd say, "Now why would God put a man and a woman on this earth to reproduce, if everyone is going to have sex with the same gender." Her mom never allowed anything like that around her or her daughter.

Lisa and that girl remained hidden until the start of high school. The girl got fed up of remaining secret, so she broke Lisa's heart. She called her names and told her that she shouldn't listen to her fucked up mother, all that shit. Lisa was heartbroken.

So, I guess you can say that Lili became the bitch she is because of her mom. Which doesn't surprise me. I know the real Lisa, and she's still in there, somewhere. I needed to pull her out. I needed to make her understand again.

I needed someone to talk to about my feelings for Sana.