Breathing Blues

Ow!

He came forward and sat on front of me at a good distance.

"Have you been to Antarctica?", Darshan asked.

"Not even America", I told him.

"So, the entire Antarctica is just glaciers that everybody knows, right? All ice, floating, still, lose but ice", Darshan said and I nodded. Where was he getting with all of this? "Now the ice is ice but different shades of white. Off white, fresh white and so on", he added. "Consider all of the humans that ice okay? And the different shade of white is their sob stories. They don't make you cringe but they tell you what that person has overcome", he explained.

"You want to know?", I asked and he vigorously nodded. "Nah, I'm not telling you", I shook my head, looking around his room. "What did you feel after you read the letter?", I asked him softly.

"Yiu want to know?", he looked at me and I nodded. "Nah, I'm not telling you", he repeated me and I smiled. "But I'm not like you so hear it", Darshan added. I braced myself up. "I uh, felt comfortable and I wondered how did you end up knowing so much because we've never talked about such things. I just read it and I sat down for a while and then I was restlessly angry which is abnormal but I knew I wanted you which is also not a good thing considering I'm in a relationship but I did want you. I wanted to do the wrong thing because I am done doing the right thing and that's that", he explained.

"I'll tell you one thing that I feel about the last line you said", I moved to him, and slight placed my head on his lap. "When I was little as in a child, I'd always want the wrong things. Not the things any regular person would choose for example when we used to go to the library the librarian used to distribute the books with pretty pictures and cartoons but I'd always want the books I wasn't allowed to read. I liked alcohol at least when I looked at people having it, I was lazy...am lazy, I didn't believe in god, I didn't had any role models. I didn't want to be like anyone else because I couldn't be. Now, I don't how that sounds, I was a pretty okay child to look at and an okay person if you see me but I feel so much nothingness. Like things consume me easily. Like, the tiniest, things I observe. We look what we look but it doesn't changes what we are. I look like caution on purpose trust me and I know what they talk about me but it keeps people out. It gives off that badass image from those dark high-school movies but it keeps people out because they know I'll snap at any given chance but do I know what I am? No. I don't think no one has their shit together we're all just pretending. Though I dont know what I truly am because it's a complicated and difficult question and I think it's complicated and difficult for anyone who wants to know what they're? You can't just measure it and no one can put it in words for you either but people try. You can just know what you want and what you need and decide to act upon it. There's no point in trying to figure out why do you want this because sometimes you've no idea. Trust me", I spoke for a long time.

"You think about things a lot, don't you?", he softly mummered and I nodded gently.

"Don't you?", I asked back.

"I do but mostly metaphors. Not like you", I could feel his fingers tracing lines on my forehead. I let him.

"Have you heard any podcast on spotify ever?", I asked.

"I did once, it was realated to mental health and stress", he said immediately.

"Well, Spotify reminds me of the advertisements that dive in. One moment you're listening to TUM HO and the next moment 'me and my friends and bullshit", I rolled my eyes and I saw his face. He just smiled. "You have the premium Spotify, don't you?", I squeaked my eyes and he nodded, pressing his lips. "YOU", I got up, hitting him playfully.

"You'll face circumstances if you keep on doing that, I'm warning you", I hit him on his arm again and he got up on his knees coming towards me.

Then begin a round and round run until I hit my foot as it struck with his bed side table's corner.