wanna be yours ; kagehina

sixteen

     he left me in front of the music store, but before i watched him walk away, he had something to say.

     he looked at me with my favorite color and said, "i know you're not an easygoing person, and i know you didn't care for me at first. but i really like you, and i wanna do this again. if you want to."

     i nodded immediately. my response time has improved embarrassingly fast.

     "good." he let go of my hand, and i felt cold. "i'll talk to you later then."

     "'kay." i smiled.

     me. i smiled. i never smile.
     this is a disaster.

     "you should smile more. it's cute." another toothy grin. he never seems to run out of them. "bye, tobio."

     he always walks away so entrancingly. i can't take my eyes off him until he's out of sight, or until he blends into the world around him. him and his colored jeans, and his tiny freckles, and his wild hair- wondrously, he blends in, and i feel like i'm a magnet on the street once he leaves. like everyone who looks at me can see through me, see what i'm hiding, see what i'm not saying.
     see how i'm clearly lying about everything.
     you know, i could say i hate him and never talk to him again to save myself. i could tell him he's annoying and pray that my stomach settles. i could ignore him and hope that one day i'll get over the way he makes me feel. but i know i can't, and i won't. i won't do those things.
     the world can see it, hitoka sees it, and he sees it, too. i'm always the last to know what everyone thinks about me, but i figured it out this time.

     i like him. i really, really like him.
     i like being sick.
     i like it when he looks at me like i'm the only thing he wants to see.
i like this feeling.

     it's scary, not knowing.
not knowing if we fit, if we mesh. i can't know, even if we try too hard or if he feels the same, if we would ever work. he's so much more different than me. who i am and who he is doesn't match, but for some god forsaken reason, i want it to. more than anything.
i want this feeling to stay. it scares me, but i want it to.
honestly, i don't know if i've ever wanted something more in my life.