What's Real..?

Chapter 12: This Is Me

I looked the letter over again for the final time.

Dear Ma,

There's something I need to tell you and I'm really not sure how to say it. If I'm being perfectly honest about how I'm feeling, I"m terrified. I'm not sure how you're going to react to what I'm telling you, but I don't want to hide any longer. I've been hiding from myself for too long, but after a very long and confusing eighteen years of life I've come to terms with it. What I'm trying to say is, I'm a lesbian, a homosexual, or as I'm sure in your eyes I'm just a sin.

I don't want you to hate me...that's the biggest thing that I'm afraid of, that you'll hate me and all the love you've had for me, since I was in your womb to now, will just disappear. I know how you feel about gay people, but I'm one of "them." Can you honestly still feel the same way you always have knowing that? I am a lesbian and I don't want to hide that from anyone anymore. You can tell dad, you can tell your friends, you can tell the church, but just don't shut me out, don't shun me or disown me, don't make me feel alien to you. I don't know if I'll be able to stand that.

I love you, Ma. I really do, and I'm not telling you this to hurt you, or to make you feel bad about anything. This is the truth. This is genuine. I don't want to live a lie any longer. Please don't suspect that "something happened to me," because nothing did. I just like women instead of men. I, obviously, see nothing wrong with that. It doesn't feel wrong or out of place to me, it's not foreign to me. It's probably the most natural feeling that I've had in a while.

Please understand that I can't change. This was not just a random choice that I've made. No, I don't need help to find a boyfriend, no I don't think I'm ugly, no it's not just a bunch of self-esteem issues I have bottled up inside. This is me. Please, I'm begging you, accept that. Accept me.

Your Daughter,

Mia

The letter looked good and complete to me, but now I just had to figure out where I'd put it so that she'd see it when I wasn't in the house, or at least when I wasn't in her general area. I left the letter on my desk and crept downstairs. I knew she was in the house because I'd heard her come in not too long ago and proceeded to have a mini panic attack thinking that she'd come up to my room and ask me what I was doing. She didn't.

As I got closer to the bottom of the stairs, I could hear her rustling about in the kitchen with some Michael Jackson playing through the speakers on the radio she used in there. I smiled. I could just picture her dancing around cleaning and cooking. That woman.

I quietly made my way back upstairs, deciding that I should just tape the letter to her bathroom mirror. I quickly scooped up the letter from my desk and folded it into thirds. This is it. Before I could change my mind I peeled off of a piece of tape and rushed to my parent's bathroom. I taped the letter right in the middle of mirror and then looked at my reflection. Yea, this is me. I smiled at myself, for some reason, even though I looked the same that I'd always had, I felt better, almost happier, for this one instance. And I'm not even with Natalie...improvement.

I left my mom's room and got ready for bed. I could see the light on across the street in Natalie's room so I moved towards my window after I'd changed my clothes. A few moments later she appeared with concern in her eyes. She's worried about me...That made me feel good. To have someone worry about me so openly.

I waved at her and grinned. I hoped that would be enough to let her know that I was okay. She looked releived almost instantly. I reached over to my night stand and grabbed my phone and sent her a quick text.

Me: Letter is done, taped it to her bathroom mirror. We'll find out in the morning the verdict.

Natalie: I'll be here no matter what.

Me: Just don't tell your mom about me...I don't want her to feel differently.

Natalie: Hmm..

Natalie: My mom is really against gay people. With me being 17...

Natalie: I don't have a lot of say so.

Natalie: I'm sorry.

I didn't want her to feel as though she needed to come out to her mom, it was up to her when she wanted to do that. I'm eighteen, she's seventeen...what if her mom makes her stop seeing me? I don't think I'd be able to stand that.

Me: Don't be sorry. You don't have to tell anyone until you're ready.

Me: This is my choice, for me.

Natalie: If you say so..

She's so worried about what I think...that's a change in my life.

Me: I do say so. Now, let's go to sleep. I'm tired.

Natalie: I'm calling you.

Before I even had time to respond, my phone was ringing, and Natalie's picture was greeting me.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Okay, get in bed. Now you can go to sleep."

I was confused. "With you on the phone?"

"Yes, dummy. With me on the phone."

I laughed. "Okay then."

I walked over to my bed and got comfortable. I plugged my phone into the charger and turned off my light. It felt good to be in my bed, I hadn't realized how much coming out of the closet could drain a person.

"You comfy?" I heard Natalie ask me right in my ear. It was almost as if she was right next to me.

"Yea, you?"

"Definitely. Good night."

"Good night."

Despite my fears for the coming morning, in that moment with Natalie practically by my side I felt amazing. I wasn't scared, I just felt cared for. This was going to be the first of many nights where we'd sleep on the phone together. That I was sure of.

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Well, I really like this chapter. It's pretty close to home actually. Hope you enjoy it too.

- A. Kvng