What's Real..?

Chapter 12: This Is Me

The remainder of Natalie and I's day of playing hookie was spent driving around getting her acquainted with some of the city. Showing her where movie theatres were, where the mall and the town center were, and also where the nearest McDonalds was, basically all of the essentials. After that, I drove us home, we parted ways physically, and I debated on how to tell my mother that I was gay. I knew that telling her would be the hardest part of telling anyone in my family, she was the most against the homosexual lifestyle. She saw it as a choice that people who didn't want to "try" made. So how would I explain to her that I had no option, that there wasn't a "check A for straight and B for gay" sign up sheet anywhere to be found, that it was truly something out of my control?

Well I'm not gonna say the shit out loud...that's for sure.

Okay, yea, I'm a coward, but it's always been easier for me to just write out how I'm feeling that to say anything audibly. So a letter it is. I sat down at my computer let it boot up while I drummed my fingers on the desk. I was so jittery and I hadn't even began to write anything yet. How would I tell her? What could I say to make her understand? That's assuming she has the capability to understand at all. I groaned internally and put my head down. Was I really about to do this?

I picked up my phone and dialed Natalie's number, I needed some help.

She picked up on the third ring, "Hello?"

"I wanna tell my mom about me..." I started, but then was unsure of what to say next.

"Okay...?"

"Well...I don't know how to do it."

She was silent for a moment, obviously mulling over what I'd just told her.

"Aha," she laughed. "And here I was thinking you were an out and proud lesbian.."

I couldn't help but smile. Oh, how wrong you are my dear. "Uh, no. I definitely only figured it out myself after..."

"After..." she prodded drawing the word out slowly.

A hesitated only a moment longer, then said, "After I met you actually."

"Oh wow, Mia"

"Yea, I'm not an out and proud lesbian by far," I told her, then added, "which is where the problem lies with telling my mother..."

Her response came a long while later, to the point where I checked the phone twice to make sure she was still there and hadn't hung up on me.

"Well, Mia, I don't know what to tell you, especially because I'm not telling my mom." She seemed very apologetic and weary of what I was going to say, but I didn't blame her. It was her own choice and I wasn't going to force her, I mean, she wasn't forcing me, I was doing this on my own accord.

"I was thinking I'd write her letter," I said glancing at my computer screen. "What do you think about that?"

Without any thought she responded by saying "Your way with words is amazing."

I wasn't sure if that was more of a compliment for how I talk to her, or how I talk in general, but I took it as a good sign.

"Alright, I'm gonna write it now then. I'll talk to you later."

She said goodbye then hung up only a few seconds later, then I was left with my thoughts and that damned computer screen all over again. Dammit. I took a deep breath, pulled up microsoft word, then just blindly started to type. I didn't overthink any of the words I was saying, I just said them. Besides, I was eighteen, there wasn't TOO much that she could do, was there?

~*~

After about forty-five minutes of typing I was done and reading and re-reading what I'd written. Fixing a few grammatical errors, taking some out, adding some in, and then finally I couldn't really stall myself anymore. I hit print and the letter slowly began to come out of my printer. It was only about a page when all was said and done, but it still scared the shit out me that I'd written anything at all.