Markers

Chapter 17

I hear voices. That feels good to say gosh. That's not all though, I hate her. That girl in my head, only because she loves to hurt me. Drive me mad, and she has an abundance of truths to use against me. She makes me feel so alone.

I haven't been to work in a while. I don't mind it though, there isn't much there for me now. I know exactly how each day there will go and I can't bring myself to relive it all. Not even the good days, that would be an insult to those days.

I know I shouldn't but I still call Drake. Every day, he never answers and today he changed his number. Landen... Landen.  The boys still don't spend much time here,  they've tried to convince me to move in with them but I can't.

Things get worse in that huge house of theirs. I'm not ready to be a prisoner in their cage, it's inevitable that I will be. I sit in Landen's room everyday for at least five minutes. I don't suppose I'll ever know what feels so familiar but it comforts me.

I suppose I really am not the girl I once was but my life is the biggest spoiler alert. And dispite knowing, knowing and seeing where my choices take me I still choose them. The fact that I do so because I want to give birth to devil's spawn is not lost on me.

Half of that child was/will be me. The fact that I've lost myself leaves me craving to find him. Meet my son. Is it naive to think all this will have been worth it if such a thing happened?

'Naive? No... selfish? Well pray tell, who will raise child? You? If you think it's you than you're dumber than I thought.'

Ignoring the voices is very hard when part of that voice is you. Or I feel like it is. I mean she shares my insecurities, the only experiences she has are mine. I may be her worst enemy and her mine but I am also all she has. At least some of her is me... I think.

'Lord! You ha! You can't even defend yourself, how are you going to defend the innocence of the soul you birthed. Don't be selfish. Giving those boys a child will be the worse thing you do your son and what... oh please tell me what will you do if he turns out like them?'

The boys will walk in in about twelve seconds so I finish off my dinner and shut down my laptop.

Seeing as I have nothing better to do I'm taking an online course in psychology. Turn my theories into theorems. Also I feel much better during the day when I wake to a purpose. I took my things to my room and waited at the edge of the bed.

I knew that Logan was going to enter in about eight seconds so I arranged my features. Not that there was much in the way to change, I went from despondent and sad to bored and uninterested.

"Angel," he rasped before coming further into the room, "have you been here all day."

I sighed tiredly, not because I'd already had this conversation with him (which I had) but because I knew there was no winning here.

"No." I answered him. He seemed annoyed by the short reply do I elaborated, "though I'll admit I did stay inside the apartment."

"Angel... it's not good for you to be cramped up in this shoe box. No wonder you've been low lately. I truly do think you'd be more happy at the Manner. At least then I could treat you like a queen."

"You're the demon of fallacy. Do I really need to elaborate on why this picture perfect life you're offering doesn't quite sound appealing?"

At that he chuckled, "I did so enjoy your company better back when you were more gullible."

I just looked at him, I did make sure not to let the annoyance I felt show. I didn't feel like  getting my face slapped.

"In any case that's not what I came for." He sat down next to me and took my hands, "though it's good that you mentioned demons. I'm sure you notice that you feel quite connected to Landen and the feeling has intensified... of late."

He seemed to want to break this gently to me. I'll gladly commend  him on that, "Demons can establish something like a tether to humans by way of blood. Landen, the sadist that he is, takes religiously from your blood. He doesn't really care for the effect it has in you, in fact he enjoys coming back to find that your scent coats him room."

It kills me that he knows and yet I always go to his room. I can't help myself.

'Pathetic.'

"I on the other hand don't desire blood like he does though it is essentially part if my nature. I want your blood because you are mine. No one but me (and my brother) should ever be able to satiate the hunger you now have inside. Angel," he lightly squeezed my fingers, "will you be my tether?"

This of course was not him actually asking for my consent in essentially owning me in every possible way. No, it was just more mind games.

That was Logan nothing like the monster his brother was but essentially still a monster.
Where Landen craved  blood, he craved to physically take me from myself.

Logan sought sanity. My mental being entirely. And if he succeeded, if he took me from myself I know I would never survive the blow, I know it.

I mean I knew before I knew every broken smile he'd give me in exchange for every piece of sanity he took. And if I hadn't seen him do it I could have sworn I gave it to him.

I could have told you in all honesty I let him take me. But I didn't, he just took me. Then, he threw away the trash. Essentially who I am without me.

I can barely remember the details but his smiles are like phantom pain. Like in reverse though it wasn't like I was feeling a piece of me that wasn't there. An amputated arm, a missing tongue no...

He smiles and I feel empty. Gone.

I know it's there: my mind, my soul,  me. But I feel like it's gone.

I suppose the mind doesn't heal like the body can. But you know, he hides it so well. Who he is. But he, just like his brother, has blood lust for days. He likes my pain.

But not me. He doesn't like who I am. Funny to think that they believe I was made for them.

I of course am at a loss for words. I mean I know what I say in my visions but that girl had no idea what kind of a monster she was talking to. Gullible. Ya I was gullible as hell.

"Landen doesn't do what you would do," I say kind of off handedly, "Ya his room smells like me and I've got couple a scars on my flesh that spell out his name but he wouldn't... he wouldn't let me believe I deserve the pain when he beats me. He wouldn't... Let me loose all sense of self-confidence  and love merely because he happened to yelled at me that day.

He wouldn't let me hurt myself just to watch me bleed, Logan. He wouldn't present me with a fallacy. Let me dilute myself."

I don't know how he reacts from visions honestly speaking. I wouldn't even do this on my wildest dreams so I wait.

I don't really have to wait to long for his smile. Slow at first then broken. Logan smiles so often that his warning smiles always look more... evil. Twisted like a sneer he won't show you.

"I really did enjoy you better when you where stupid," oh, so we're all full of off handed remarks. Damn, "I will admit that I may like you now that you've grown."

And then he left. He kissed my head and he left.