Love The Way You Lie

8: RELAPSE

You want him, you need him. You don't know if you can go on without him.

And it's sick that all these battles are what keeps you satisfied...

You call him.

You call Derek again.

You call him again and again.

You don't tell your brother you're calling him, because you don't want him to hate you for having him protect you when you're doing the very opposite for yourself.

You don't call Mark, because you don't want to explain how he knocked you up and you ended it without him having been able to get a word in edgewise about it.

But you call Derek Shepherd. You ask where the hell he even is because you know if he's been in New York the whole time he would have found you by now.

You wonder if he's abandoned you and your marriage.

You wonder if he's forgotten about you.

You wonder if he's moved on altogether...

The idea of Derek having a new partner, technically 'on the side,' other than you makes you swell up with many mixed emotions inside of you.

On the one hand, you like the idea that he's not trying to worm his way back into your life, on the other hand, you're jealous of whoever he could love instead of you.

On the one hand, you like that you're not his whipping point, on the other hand, you miss his touch and even his roughness from time to time.

On the one hand, you hate him. On the other hand, you still love him.

On the one hand, you hate yourself for hating him. On the other hand, you hate yourself for loving him.

Either way, you hate yourself even more than you hate your husband, Derek.

Derek doesn't answer you.

Neither does Mark the one time you break down and call him instead.

You're in the basement of Sam and Naomi's place when you break down and call Mark.

They've been home with the baby for the first two days now and they've been letting you crash in their spare room to give Archer some space to bring guests home.

Guests. Plural- (An orgy, you wonder?). You try not to be jealous that he's getting some and you're not.

That never really goes away, and that's probably why you finally called Mark, because you wondered if your chances of getting laid from him were higher than your chances of getting Derek back at that moment...

You never reach either of them, though, and you're starting to realize you're almost outstaying your welcome.

You take care of Maya as much as you can to let Sam and Naomi sleep after their first child is born.

You can't go shopping or anything but you change their daughter and you feed their daughter and you put her down when she cries.

You do your very best to be 'Auntie Addison,' and you really do like the feeling of 'being a mom,' for a while.

You wonder if you'll ever have children, for real, and actually keep them.

You think you'll even settle for one child.

You want at least one, though. You want a kid to raise as your own. You want to be a mom.

You're just not sure you've met the right father, yet, and you hate yourself for knowing that Mark was not the right father for you in your lifetime, and you hate yourself more for starting to realize you're not sure if you'd want a child with your husband, Derek Shepherd, either...