MY MIND.

Reflection

Later that day, I asked if “this is mutual?” as I gestured between us. He’s quite an affectionate person whereas I’m the opposite. I had been thinking for a while and I finally asked him that day and he just said, “yeah”. I had made my feelings known a long time ago and now he basically just did the same. I can’t lie; I was absolutely terrified. So many emotions hit me at once. I was so dazed and confused because I always tended to distance myself when I felt like someone was getting too close. With him I always felt like I can’t do that. I like him a lot and when I told my friend about this day he asked me, “so what? Are you two in a relationship now?” and I said no. Even though I have these feelings for another person I still can’t see myself in a relationship. Is that a bad thing? I still don’t feel comfortable with completely opening myself up to someone, even if that person is him. Isn’t communication, honesty, trust and all that stuff meant to be important in a relationship? If I can’t follow through with any of that then what is the point?

Our friendship has slightly changed though because of the feelings involved. I’m always going to appreciate him though. He impacted my life like no other and has remained as the only constant person in my life since Uni.

Following this I’m quickly I’m going to write something positive, a somewhat appreciation post as I am a person that doesn’t express herself to others.

I appreciate my whole family. My mother, for first, birthing an awesome human being back in September, 1993. I appreciate the fact that after a very rocky relationship she has made an effort to change how she approaches me and accepts me as the woman I am shaping up to be. I am thankful that we are now able to share little things now and then and have some sort of a ‘typical’ mother-daughter relationship.

I am thankful for my dad, for his part in creating this awesome human (me). I take after him a lot. I appreciate the way he raised me, and how the way he wanted to raise a daughter clashed with how my mum wanted to, because without that I wouldn’t be who I am now. I grew to detest gender roles from early because of him and with minor tweaks I know I’d raise my daughter the same way by exposing her to everything. I am thankful for the way he pushed me to excel and help me believe I could achieve, even if he did that with tough love. I appreciate the way he empowered me and allowed me to open my mind up to new things and find my own path after I reached a certain age and grew curious. And even though our views conflict I’m grateful that he didn’t stop me from educating myself with things he might necessarily not agree with or follow.

I appreciate my sister and our continued love/hate relationship. We bond over TV shows, movies and just pop culture in general. I appreciate the fact she lets me have her bed every time I come home from Uni and our arguments lowkey bring me joy because nothing makes me more happier than annoying her.

I’m grateful for my spoilt little brother. I was on the verge of tears when his voice broke and he started to tower over me. It makes it difficult to win fights against him and to be honest; I don’t even want to involve myself in them anymore because he’d probably win. I want to thank him for keeping my little gaming passion alive by continuously challenging me when I’m at home. I still enjoy pretending to be his big brother. I’m also thankful for prepping me for FIFA because I didn’t know how much I’d need those skills when I started Uni.

Music is a big part of me. I don’t think I could’ve survived some of the days I had without music. It plays a massive part in me continuing to take on each and every single day. There are so many songs for different things but two artists that continually inspire me are Kanye West and Beyoncé. There’s no one I adore more than these two.

Now Beyoncé. No amount of words can explain how much I appreciate and adore this woman. Beyoncé, Queen, is everything and more. When I saw this woman for the first time I was less than a meter away from her. When she popped up on stage emotions were running high. A heap of feelings hit me all at once. Overwhelmed, I was in tears. You feel something in her presence. The aura that surrounds her and she is just absolutely flawless. This woman, whether you like it or not, bought feminism to the forefront of mainstream media this year and made me realize I am in fact a feminist after I stripped away that title from myself back in college when I was studying sociology (thankful for Ms Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie for the speech in the first place). I aspire to match her work ethic and not concern myself or snap back at what others say about me. She keeps her personal stuff to herself and she doesn’t speak ill of anyone in the industry she works in even though everyone else continues to go after her and her family. People continue to discredit her as a singer, dancer, all round entertainer, feminist, woman, and most importantly, mother. I have always looked up to how she stands tall with such poise and composure and continue to empower women all around the world, but most importantly empower me as a woman and help me find the confidence; I sometimes lose, in myself.

Lastly, Jamaen and Xavier.

J is everything; he has been there for me, listened to me and advised me. He makes me feel comfortable and has been the most honest and open friend I’ve ever had. He makes my days with his story telling and I just love him a lot.

Like I said earlier, I appreciate Xavier a lot. Even though I’m focusing on the positives I can’t help but think about all the times we clashed and then laugh about it. There are a lot of things I don’t tell him, or anyone else for that matter, and he knows that. He drives me everywhere, he listens to me, he advises me, and he pushes me to be the best person I can be. Never would I have imagined meeting, befriending and then developing feelings for someone such as him. He makes me laugh, and he’s helped me through some of my lowest times without knowing. I truly care for his wellbeing and his happiness and I hope he achieves all of his goals. I love the way we share interests and we can talk about anything from having discussions on Hip-Hop and other genres of music, to him listening to me praising Beyoncé, to our talks on Art, movies, TV, world affairs and trashy television shows. After three years I never thought we’d be where we are now. He’s an amazing person and I appreciate him so very much. He’s helped me face so many things from stuff to do with future decisions and past issues with my mother that I swept under the rug.

& Most importantly I appreciate myself.

I am so proud of myself for holding on when times got tough and my mind was full of darkness. When I fell into a dark hole of emptiness, loneliness and helplessness I held on and didn’t let it swallow me and now I’m able to reflect back on it. I have a lot of areas to work on and I know I’m not perfect. On this extremely long journey, I will mess up and want to give up but I have to look past all that and look to the end goal, the one thing I’ll always crave and that’s happiness within myself, and love for myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m there and sometimes I feel like I’m excruciatingly far away; and that’s okay. I just have to continue to work until I feel like I am there, everyday and feel confident in the person I’m growing to be. As far as I am from my ultimate goal, nothing will ever take away from the given, and that’s how much of an awesome human being I already am.

So this is my end of year post I guess. I do one every year but I thought I’d reflect a little and make it a somewhat appreciation post and post it early since I’ll be a little busy to write later on. I've started to rewatch Criminal Minds on Netflix and then i've got to revise so i have no time at allll. Dr. Spencer Reid is bae though. I cannot get started on Derek Morgan because Shemar Moore is just beautiful and then i won't stop rambling. (& can I just add that the impossible film for polaroids are just ridic. I'm paying like more than £2 per shot you know)

Merry Christmas though guys, and Happy New Year! (This year flew by!) Also Good Luck to the ones in my position who have January exams!

xxx