Envy

Twenty Eight.

Twenty eight.

December.

The punching bag floats off the tree trunk and onto the grass, leaving me heaving, and begging for oxygen to fill my lungs. The ache in my knuckles is indescribable and couldn't be ignored, and I welcome this pain more than anything. This pain above my sore heart any day.

"Are you alright?" Zayn asks from behind me. I swallow the realisation that I'm actually not alone, and I'm training with Zayn.

"Yeah" I shake my head, picking up the punching bag, "Sorry about that"

Zayn helps me into tying the bag back onto the tree trunk, and I notice the glances he sends me, but what was I to say? I'm sick, and tired, and fucking wish this whole thing never happened.

"Hey" he turns me around to face him, "Talk to me"

"Louis..." I breathe out his name, and it feels sweet and sour on my tongue, a vinegar pie.

"What's wrong with Louis?"

"He- I- we went out a date, I guess" I stutter, feeling utterly stupid. Of course we went out on a date, and hell, I enjoyed it so much, but the minute I stepped foot in the house, reality came crumbling down, and the ghost of nightmares and memories mocked me, walking and dancing against the walls of my apartment.

"And? That's good right?" Zayn says, trying to allow a smile on his face, but I can see him fighting it due to my angry state.

"Yeah, but- but I don't think I'm ready" I sit on the grass and start stretching my legs.

"And why aren't you ready?"

Why am I not ready? I want to laugh at his face, to throw the punching bag on his face, fucking oblivious. The reason I started this training, the reason my life is ruined, the reason I have nightmares, and cry and the reason I can't feel my heart beat anymore.

That's why.

"Because- because of my old love interest" I can't even rehearse his name, or just the mere ex-boyfriend because it stings my tongue and poisons my heart, because he's moved on and I can't.

"Your pervious love interest is why we're here. We're trying to get over it, remember? So you dwelling upon the fact that you can't have other relationships, is not moving on"

"I can't just- just wake up one morning and fucking move on Zayn. I can't. I love him so much. I can't even say loved because that's utter bollocks, I still love him" and it's agonising to admit it out loud to someone, to yell it out into the open, to make it come out of my brain.

"Alright, I understand. But you need to know, he's not coming back, and you depriving yourself from other love is not right, and it's going to hurt you even more" Zayn gets up, and helps me up with him, "Also, random shags are alright, so, do me a favour, and kiss Louis the next time you see him"

+

To say I'm avoiding Louis would be an understatement. I have been dodging any eye contacts between us, and wouldn't even stand close enough to the counter to carry the tray with the coffee cups, as if he's a plague and I'm afraid I would get infected.

I had thought about Zayn's words over and over again, until I nearly got them tattooed across my forehead. But I don't have it in me, God, it's like my guts have decomposed at the sight of Louis. He looks so in his element as he made coffee, and I sneak fleeting looks at his back while he works; and I would be lying if I didn't imagine running my hand through his back and pulling on his hair. But nevertheless, I avoid him.

"Okay, what the hell is going on?" Ivy asks, startling me from my gaze at Louis. I've been standing at the door for the past five minutes, not moving an inch, and he didn't even notice I'm here.

"Wh- what?" I stutter.

"You've been here for like the past hour, staring at our handsome barista; why?"

"Shhh" I put my finger on her glossed lips, "Do I need to give you a speaker too?"

"W-what is it?" she mumbled behind my finger.

"Nothing" I innocently say.

"What a load of cobblers- Lo-" I put my whole palm over her mouth as she nearly screamed Louis' name.

"Okay, bloody hell, give me a minute" I shuffle on my feet, "We kind of went on a date and I don't want it to be awkward"

"You went- " she covers her mouth as she screams then hisses, "You went on a date? How do I not know about this?"

"Well, now you do!"

"Oh dear" she giggles, Louis completely inattentive to the females babbling about him behind the door, "But-" she turns serious, "You're making it awkward by avoiding him, just go by as if nothing has happened - or ya know, snog him"

Wow, her and Zayn are two peas in a pond.

I smack my forehead, "Ivy, go back to work" I mumble and enter the kitchen, where Louis turns around and looks at me, giving me a cute smile; and good lord I nearly faint then and there because how can someone look so cute with sweat pouring down their forehead. I smile back at him, and turn my face away, trying to disguise the blush that is definitely creeping like an insect on my cheeks.

"You're avoiding me" I'm knocked over the feather because his voice sounds so close to my ear, and his breath tickles my neck. I spin around, my hair hitting him in the eye, and he just stands there chuckling, looking so handsome, and wow his eyes are like two balls of ocean and damn, if I didn't drown in there, then I'm a swimmer.

"I- I haven't- no" I'm a stuttering mess.

He leans close to my face as if inspecting me, and my eyes water at how appealing he looks, and my heart muscles contract faster and harder in my chest, because God his eyes are so blue and they remind me of Niall's and I find myself comparing the two and regretting it.

He shifts on his feet and turns around, walks behind the counter and starts avoiding me.

Oh how the tables have turned.

+

"I might have not done what you asked me to" I choke, as Zayn and I run across the pavement around the park.

"What?" he asks with confusion, he doesn't seem to be breathing as hard as I am, and I admire his athletic side. He's got stamina, and Ivy is lucky as hell.

"You know, the kiss" my cheeks flush, and I'm not sure if it's because of my embarrassed sense or because I'm growing overly tired and sweaty.

"I knew you wouldn't" he sighs, "I'm just trying to help"

Well, he's making me feel like a mule.

"I'm sorry" I mumble.

"It doesn't matter" he finally puffs some air and I look at the side of his face, complexion tan, jaw sharp, and I feel like between him and beautiful Ivy, I stand out as a sore thumb. They're so perfect for each other, her beauty resembling a rose, and he looks like a million dollars, and god, they would make beautiful children.

Here I am, begging for love, but not welcoming it, when it's obvious Louis felt something for me. However, I am a thorny rose bush and Louis and I, we're as different as night and day, and this, whatever him, Zayn and Ivy are dreaming of, it won't happen.

+

((dedication to winterfluffy, thanks for the vote babe xx))