Suburban Vampire Ragnarok

Chapter 35

"Hey guys!" Bernie called into the woods. "You all might as well come out. These cats are cool!"

The forest rumbled with sound as several large, fur-covered creatures approached, slowly making their way into the clearing. Dawn and Scott watched the approaching monsters with awe.

"This is my posse," Bernie explained. "My woodland crew, I guess you'd say. This first one is Moonchild, then there's Peace Flower, this is Tree Hugger, and that last one is Frank. Say hi, guys!"

The sasquatches, both male and female, all waved and said hello as Dawn and Scott reciprocated.

"One thing you gotta understand about us sasquatches is that we're, like, the hippies of the supernatural world. We're all about getting out in the wild and communing with nature, you know? And we're pretty serious about safeguarding the great outdoors. That's why we bellow and roar, just to scare folks off. But the truth is, none of us would hurt a fly."

Scott noticed that the giant creatures were gentle, as some of them entertained smaller animals such as squirrels and raccoons as they stood there, allowing the little mammals to sit on their shoulders and run up and down their arms and legs. "Yeah, we're pacifists," Bernie continued. "Lovin' peace, and lovin' nature. Love is really what all us sasquatches are all about, you dig?"

"I dig," Scott said. "So, why have you guys been so hard to track down? I mean, people have seen you but there's never been any solid evidence."

"Little secret; we're in this gig on a part-time basis. That's right! Most of the time we're as human as, well, little sister is here," Bernie said, indicating Dawn. "And we just go apeshit every now and then. And by apeshit I'm talking in the positive sense, not the destructive one, you dig? Anyhow, that's what I call the feeling. The call of the wild, if you will. And then we just cut loose, get into nature, get away from the hustle and bustle, get away from The Man, get away from the corporatized, inorganic society of man and just run around out in God's creation, doin' whatever the hell we want."

"Yeah," the sasquatch called Frank said. "So long as we don't hurt anybody. 'Cause that's a drag, man."

"Yeah, yeah, total drag."

"So," Dawn asked, "how did you all happen to become Bigfoot, or Bigfeet?"

"Like I told vampire dude, we prefer to be called sasquatch. Or 'squatch, for short. But how did we get into this gig? Well, for me it happened a while back, when I was hiking with my buds out in the backwoods in Northern California, and it just so happened that my man Topher brought the most killer weed you ever did toke. It was local stuff, all natural, no pesticides. And man, we got tight that night, let me tell you. So, we started getting stupid. Found ourselves awake the next day, in an old Indian burial ground. We had violated sacred ground! Needless to say, we were freaking. And this old Indian dude, he comes up, and he's all like, 'Hey, you guys totally violated holy ground'. And we're all like, 'Sorry dude! We didn't mean to! We totally respect your spiritual stuff!' And he's like, 'Well, there has to be payment. You guys messed with my ancestors' spirits, and they demand satisfaction.' And we're all like, 'We're totally sorry!' And the Indian is like, 'Yeah, man, I get it, you guys didn't mean nothing by it, so I'll tell you what. I'll give you guys the chance to make things right.' Turns out the guy was an honest to God skin-walker! And he's like, 'You will become like a skin-walker, but a special kind of skin-walker. A good one, that will help defend the natural places.' And we're all like, 'Cool, cool, that's our scene anyway! What do we got to do?' And the Indian dude tells us we got to smoke peyote! And we're like, 'Man, I thought this was gonna be a punishment, instead, we're getting stoned native-style!' Well, it turns out, in order to make someone into a sasquatch you have to smoke a special pipe, with a combination of peyote, and—check this out— 'squatch scat. That's right! Sasquatch dookie! And man, that was one hell of a high. It was like the trippiest combo ever, it was better than the best acid trip I ever took. Anyway, that's how we got turned into sasquatch. True story!"