My Nonexistent Love Story/Skinny Love

#35: Mommy, she is in love with the criminal

You know, funny thing with that chapter is, when I wrote the original version, I hadn't ideas at all at first, but then "Jason came and told me what he wanted to do". Not the real one version, ok, though it would be totally amazing! I just opened the file and started writing slowly and found a totally different result in the end than I was firstly planning to. And in the end I really liked that! I realized "Jason" helped me to write about mafia, which I had no ideas about!

And while translating English version now (took the whole day as I did it so haltingly), Jason suddenly started talking to me. I was so happy! Though it's different now. He's not that Jason he used to be for me, I'd more like to have a friendship with him than a relationship. Just thought I should tell you.

Then, don't start wondering why there's a wolf pic in the slideshow. It's just that, when I saw that, I automatically thought of Jason, so I decided to add it here. His eyes are sad, so...

***

 Jason

I breathed in and out deeply.

I was used to my usual job, but every law has exceptions. I could have been caporegime who would usually give orders, but when the boss says you're to go and accomplish the task, you don't actually have any choice.

Being the roundsman was okay. You drive around calmly, observing the surroundings - everything's alright with that usually - and simply deliver the "goods", getting the money in return.

But when you are told to drive and kill this and that guy, you're not exactly calm...

The good thing was, I worked alone. If I had been a solderier, someone would have always be with me .. or I would have been with someone.

But I was a caporegime and that made things lots of easier, as if it was possible in mafia.

And why I was happy for being alone .. I wouldn't bear someone seeing my condition. Nervous, distant .. weird.

Caro was still there. Not on my mind anymore: she pushed on further.

I didn''t even have to think about her: it felt like she was following every step of mine or in the car with me...

You're insane, Jason. She's not here.

I could hear Caroline's happy laugh. That laugh .. Jake's ears head when he'd said something detestably witty to the girl.

She seemed so happy .. only when her eyes landed on me for a second, just for a second, I could see there .. guilt maybe?

But why would she feel guilty? Especially in front of me? I'm no one to her...

Only that acknowledging that fact to myself made my inside hurt very bad. Because she obviously was someone to me .. even though I didn't show it that often.

***

I focused on inhaling and exhaling. The rhytm of my heartbeat calmed me down and the peace was something I needed then.

Uh, so you'd like to know can you be calm before killing someone? Oh, I don't know .. maybe it's just because mafia where you can learn the most frenzied things. The control of emotions and feelings is actually a very good and useful thing.

"Okay, I'm ready," I muttered quietly and opened the car door.

Let me add another point to the pros of working alone.

The night was dark, exactly as I needed to move around silently and unnoticed.

It was one of these preternatural moments when I didn't feel anything. Probably it was because I didn't allow myself to think.