everything you seek is within

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She said sobing  uncontrollably and my whole body went numb. Omg that is unimaginable. I could have never imagen she went through soo much. I breakdown it tears and rushed to her and wrapped her into a bear hug. "Baby Thats is horrable you didnt deserve to go through that". I said not letting go off her as i felt her body trumble slightly.

'' I didnt deserve it but that didnt stop it from happening did it?" She asked but i knew she didnt want the answer.

" The thing about your past is that it never really leaves you alone. You can avoid it for sometime it even feels like you have forgotten about it. But it will check up on with you in time. I never really dealt with it. I ignore it for soo long it felt like it went away ." She sighed wiping away my tears when hers are also rolling down her chicks
.

I didn't know what to say so i said nothing. Noone deserves to go through such a horrable thing at all.

" Then when i turned 13 the nightmares started. They just get worse with time. But by the time they where not soo bad and i wouldn't remember thm when i woke up. Until 3 years ago. They started getting intense and i decided to gather up courage and tell my mom. My mom didn't hear to it. And that was worse then the experience itself. Having my mother think i made up a lie about her husband was almost worse than the experience. She called me a lier and he denied it to my face. He got soo angry and my mum believed him. That is why i haven't even told her in the first place. I'm the victim and i get treated like a lier and she questioned why i decided to say only then. She made it look like i wanted to gain something from supposively ruining my step father's reputation.

She continued talking with soo much sadness. What kind of mother would believe a husband's word over her own child. A mother is bound to know her child black and white. She caried her for 9 long months. Nurtured her and watched her grow. Deep down she knows her daughters truth or atleast was supposed to.

" So she ordered me to apologize to him for lying snd i refused. I wasn't lying and he knew it. I might have been weak to let it happen but i wasnt going to let him victimize me in more ways than he already did. She said with a little pride. And i smiled slightly. She is stronger than she gave herself credit for.

" Why didnt you report it and make a case against him?" I asked

" I didn't want him going to jail or ruining his reputation. All i wanted was him to acknowledge it and show remorse the very least. This is the man who vowed to protect me and my mother. He was supposed to protect me. And even if i did report it it was my word against one of the successful respected lawyers in the country. That was a case i was bound to loose. And than the whole world would know. In their eyes i wouldn't be the poor girl who was raped by the step father. I would be the lil whore who slept with his step father and now wants to ruin his reputation without considering my age. If my own mother didnt believe me who would? I rather she alone believed me but she didnt. So they chased me from their house luckily my dad left me an inheritance i could take whenever i needed it. She said tears rolling down her cheeks. I hate to see ger lile this soo defeated and weak.

" They both dont deserve you. And that man will pay for what he did. Karma strikes when you least expect it. I said hoping to reassure her.

" After i started living alone the nightmares become soo intense i could sleep at night. Than the urge of sex grew stronger until i couldn't control it anymore. I had to have sex everday since or i would start cutting myslef with knifes and brades and i choose the easy way. I mean its not like my body posses value anymore. Am simply giving away my body willingly this time. Doing soo i kill so many birds with one stone. I gain back the control over my body that man took away from me. I also stop the urge to harm myself. Alcohol keeps me going. It's not easy giving my body away to strangers and alcohol gives the confidence necessary. Alcohol keeps me awake at night so i dont fall asleep to the torment of nightmares. This might not be the most decent ways but they are all i know. They helped me escape my hell of a life. When I'm drunk i don't think why he did it. I don't feel ashamed. I don't have to deal with the fact that noone will ever love me because I'm nothing but damaged goods. I dont even have to deal with the fact that i will remain the raped girl for the rest of my life. Soo go ahead and judge me for using the only coping mechanism i know beause having been rapped is like being killed alive. The only difference with actually dying is you live to be tortured everyday."

She said in a low voice and shame guilt and anger washed over me. I can't believe i judged what i didn't even begin or tried to understand. I contributed to her pain and i will never forgive myself. I swallowed a lamp on my throught as i realised i dont deserve this wonderful being. She is scared from where she comes from. And I've wounded her deeper.

(😢 i poured my emotions into this charpter. Guy's always be kind. People are fighting a battles you have no idea about. It doesn't cost to be kind what it does thou is liven up an existance 💚💛 pls vote and comment )