everything you seek is within

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I've been laying all day on the couch feeling deep remorse for what i did. Tasha's words kept replaying in my head. God how could i have been soo selfish? I really dont know what occurred to me. It never came across to me that i might be judgemental. My recklessness might cost me my most valuable possession in life. Tasha is all i have in this world. I can't loose her not now when i need her the most. I feel so disgusted of myself i will never forgive myself for doing that to Tasha.

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I woke up to the dust invading my noise and i feel nauseous so i ran to th the bath room. After vomiting i return to mu bedroom. Snoffy is besides my bed wagging his tail and it seems like he has been playing with sand hence the dust. '' I see someone's been a naughty boy." I said smiling at my dog. Snoffy is a Chihuahua breed he doesnt grow much. He is perfect he remains a puppy forever although he ages ofcoarse. My thoughts drift to Tasha who didn't come home yet but yet again its really early.
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I'm done with breakfast and so is Snoffy. I'm exhausted again so i lay down on the couch before i head Tasha open the front door. I raised my head and just looked at her apologetically. She sighed dramatically and dropped her heels on the floor. She dissappeared into the kitchen and moments later she came out with left over pizza and beer. She drank the bear halfway and i looked at her with a worried expression, which she ignored ofcoarse.

I cleared my throught  almost too dramatically to get her attention. " It's too early to be drinking Tasha you know that. Pls dont let me get to you like that. You are strong and always been. Noone can ruin you." I said in a small voice hoping to remind her of the brave Tasha that does allow anyone's opinion get to her much less define her.
Tasha turned to look at me.

" You know...i was also once a happy lil girl. A girl with hopes and dreams and i also believed in happy endings and prince charmings. But i realised in this cruel world is kill or die. Be a victim or a criminal and there is just no in between."

She said sadly and I'm puzzled. The world is not soo bad at all but i dont say anything. I can't rely on my mouth to say anything none offensive or stupid this days. I mentally slap my srlf. Stupid hormones.

She sat blanked out for a few minutes so i decided not to force it. Thats befire she started talking. "Yes I'm a sex addict. A slut as you put it. And an alcoholic. She added tears running down her chicks. I can't watch this. Its too painful. My bestfriend is breaking down all thanks to me. I cant help but i break into sobs.

" Alisha you might have pointed this things out but its the truth. I always knew it. Nobody knows this but i struggle to wake up every morning. Unwilling to face the image of someone i dont even like in the mirror. I hate myself soo much i wish i could just die."

She said emotionless and it hit me like a bomb. Tasha hates herself? But why? I would do anything to be her everyone would.

'' Yes from an external angel I seem like the ideal girl. A carefree, confident ,hilarious, fun girl who can solve everyone's problem the list is endless. But that is far from what I'm. I'm a lonely scared self hatred person. I feel embarrassed even looking at myself coz I'm worthless. I'm only good for sex the world screams to me over and over again until i got the message. It's too painful to wake up every morning trapped in a foreign body in a person i dont even want to be." She continued with a closed look eyes showing dark emotions

" The worst part is i didn't wish for this. I didn't ask to be brought in a merciless world where the powerful prey on the vulnerable. I was soo happy and full of life until one dark night. A night someone decided it's game over for that lil girl i once new. He forced himself on me and there was nothing i could do. After that he did it over and over again for almost 7 months. I pleaded with him to stop the first few times but it didnt stop him soo i- - i gave up all together. I didnt do enough to defend myself. Make that nothing at all i just watched him take away anything and everything i ever was. My innocence my dignity, self respect , self love and anything good i had.