Rant

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by ME_1234_ME

by ME_1234_ME

Literally everyone told me I could rant so here we go...

My mom and I have never really had a good relationship, even when I was a baby. This probably isn't a strong point to my rant but I'm gonna say it anyway: when I was a newborn baby I always slept through the night... except, the few nights when my dad had to work late so it was up to my mom to put me to bed. I would always wake up an hour or so after my dad got home and wouldn't stop crying until he specifically came and soothed me, if my mom came (which she did some nights until they realized I only wanted my dad) I would just keep crying until he came instead.

Moving onto throughout the years she's never been here like at all. Her day to day schedule is literally wake up, go to work, go to bed and repeat. So we've never spent any time together. She doesn't seem to want us to be close. I've constantly tried to strike up a simple conversation with her and no matter what it's about (topics I would normally bring up: her day at work, my day at school, a story about one of our 5 cats or our dog, etc.) she'd always just get aggravated that I was talking.

She absolutely hates it when I talk to my dad and this really pisses me off! My dad and I are super close, we spend any free time together; we share a lot in common such as what kind of tv shows and movies that we like to watch. And any time we're talking she says I have an attitude. And I seriously only have an attitude when I'm angry, which is really rare if I'm angry at anyone besides her and I've learned how to keep it in when she's around. She gets mad at him anytime he spends any kind of money on me. I just had my 16th birthday back in January and he bought me only 1 present that wasn't even that expensive and she flipped the hell out that he spent money. For God's sake it was my 16th birthday! Which she didn't even wish my a happy birthday but my best friend's mom called me to wish me a happy birthday! The same best friend's mom made my birthday extra special by bringing over a homemade birthday cake (along with my friend of course) as a surprise! And I don't expect something like that from my mom, but some kind of acknowledgement that I still existed would've been nice.

What recently tipped me over the edge was that mother's day wasn't that long ago and everyone was commenting on her facebook about how she's such an amazing mom and her kids are super lucky to have her as their mother. And it pains me to know that they don't know the truth about what kind of parent she really is. There's always a lot of talk about how you shouldn't stereotype and I believe that should go for the role of mother's and father's too which it clearly doesn't. In 99.9% of families it's said that it's the mother who cooks, cleans, does landry, change and feed the babies, helps their children with homework over the years, form a deep, personal bond with their children, share things in common with their children, nourish their children's interests and abilities, but my family is in the 0.1% where my mom doesn't do any of that! It is my dad who does all the responsibilities too much thought of for a mom! Society always remarks on the important role mother's have on the lives of their children but they never truly acknowledge those extraordinary dads who have an even bigger and stronger impact on their children's lives! And sure, I know there is father's day but nobody EVER makes as big a fuss about it as they do mother's day!

Even though we live in the same house (and have for 16 years) my mother is a complete stranger to me and one that will never develop into a friendship of any kind. There's the unspoken "rule" that since she's family I have to love her. And to me this rule is absolutely stupid! The love shared between parent and child is defined as a relationship in which the parent nurtures the physical, emotional and social development of the child. It is this relationship that lays the foundation for the child's personality, life choices and overall behavior. I only share this kind of relationship with one parent and that is my dad. So by this definition I do not need to love her.

And people always say that when she's gone you gonna feel different because she won't be in your life anymore. But is she even really in my life now? I pretended to do a school assignment where I had to quiz both parents about me, I separated them so that she couldn't cheat off my dad's answers. It was a series of 25 questions, she only got 2 right and my dad got 23 right. And she only got 2 right because she made a lucky guess! I want to share a quote that I found on the internet, "To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today." I don't know who said it, but it is definitely true. There isn't a time I think about my mother without filling with rage and you would all probably, hopefully, understand if you knew all the details but things need to be kept private for a reason.

I wrote a little something, it's not the best but I'll share it anyway:
"When I'm a parent,
I will bond with my children,
Something you never did for me.

When I'm a parent,
I will guide my childen,
Something you never did for me.

When I'm a parent,
I will inspire my children,
Something you never did for me.

When I'm a parent,
I will move mountains for my children,
Something you never did for me.

When I'm a parent,
I will raise my children,
Something you never did for me.

When I'm a parent,
I will be a REAL mother,
Something you never were for me."