Tailored Hats, Cats and White Rabbits Original

11// "I'll Tell You A Secret"

Hanging my mouth open in befuddlement. The words refused to form in my head. How would I tell them about my depression? Should I tell them the whole story? With details? Should I lie? Maybe they wouldn’t care if I didn’t say anything.
“Must you be so blunt?” James snapped at her, clearing noticing that I was having a hard time wrapping my head around her question.
“Bottom line a family death and being bullied drove me to having a razor blade as my only friend for a few years” my lips tumbled through the words, ignoring the filter that my brain should have done, “several suicide attempts” I added.

“Several?” Cherry piped up down the row.
“Mmm. But I have a wooden house and you can hear a mouse breathe in that place, so my mom came to the rescue before anything could happen” I explained. The silence was deafening as we sat thoughtfully, sitting on that ledge. Wondering how little effort it would take to just push off…tumble down into the abyss of human life below. How simple it would be, the clarity would be rewarding and quick.
“Don’t sit too far forward Michael. Aside from what you think of yourself, we all like you” Jaxon assured. That’s when I twisted my gaze to them all beside me, they all gave me genuinely appreciative looks, small smiles and polite nods, all agreeing with Jaxon.

“Maybe Alice likes you a little more, but all in all, you’re one of us” Blondie added, her voice not edged with its usual haughtiness. I felt the shadow of a smile appear on my face, but I turned away from them, trying to not act like what they said got to me.
“Oh yes our dear, wondrous Alice, how on earth did you fall down the rabbit hole?” Blondie faked a horribly done English accent. The schizophrenic had remained quiet until now. Out of the rest of us she had stared unwaveringly into the sea of city lights, not even acknowledging our confessions, maybe she didn’t even hear us.

But her full lips found the words to speak,
“Twas drillig slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe—” Alisa started mumbled,
“Oh Jesus here we go again” Blondie hissed, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“Until the Red Queen stumbled upon Alice and decided to stay” that was different. Her usual funny poem had changed.

“The Red Queen hated thy defiance and she would see anyone who defiled her word stamped out. However instead of putting me out of my misery and beheading me she decided that I be sent to the dungeons with the lucky few to rot away. I did nothing wrong. I only did what he told me to say. I only did what he said was right.” Alisa’s voice was highly strung, full of hatred and…regret. However it wasn’t as whimsical as her usual tone of voice, it was almost..normal. I looked over at the others they all shrugged having just as little idea as me where in the world this was coming from. Alisa, it seemed hadn’t noticed our uneasy looks. He? Who was he?  

“They hurt you, he whispered. They hurt you and so you must hurt them. They must pay. The Jabberwocky was a terrible beast with slithery skin and fangs as sharp as razors. He convinced me that the girls who made fun of me in high school should have to pay the price. They had destroyed my image and made me second guess my life. All through high school only because I was different, I was picked on, kicked and spat on, punched. Are you even really blonde? What’s a Wonderland? That’s a fucking ridiculous tat you bitch.” I looked intently at Alisa as her lips curled into a clear sneer, her eyes narrowing, her words spat out with vivid disgust.

“The words plagued my thoughts for years and my nightmares were usually about those girls cutting away the flesh that held my tattoo. My daydreams were of how I would tie the rope, or hold the knife.” Her voice started to tremble in remembrance. And still she didn’t make eye contact, as though she was in a hypnotising trance. I swallowed hard and listened to her. It felt like she had accepted a truth serum and she had no choice but to reveal her deepest secrets.  
“They deserve to be hurt, the Jabberwocky hissed in my ear. It’s only right, it’s justice Alice.”