If I Let Go

8

Mark is silent for a while.

I know I should exit the car but somehow my hands are not in a hurry to unbuckle the seat belt. He is probably going to agree with me and crush all the hopes I had that he feels something for me that goes beyond 'my lecturer is a catch and I need to steal her for a night'. It's totally ludicrous on so many levels but a girl can hope.

"What do you mean I got what I wanted? Babe, I am not alone on this boat," Mark shifts in his seat to face me properly.

"When we began talking last semester, you gave me the green light. I would have backed off had I known you had second thoughts. You flirted back remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. It was a bad idea," I reply flippantly.

"Oh, was it?"

"I am just saying this is messed up," I protest in exasperation. "We should quit before we get in real trouble. I am your lecturer and I could get fired!"  Out of habit, I bury my head in my hands. " You on the other hand, will get your degree and get promotions after promotions in daddy's company. "

"Is that what this is about? You are calling me selfish?"

When Mark puts it that way, it sounds like I am accusing him of having nothing to lose. Which I am, partly. Moreover, the mere mention of his dad is enough to make Mark flip the handle. He recently confessed to me that they barely get along.

"Stop twisting my words!" I fire back.

"Salina, there is no other way to interpret your statement. Forgive me if I suck at reading minds," Mark says sarcastically and looks out of his window.

"Forget I said anything. Thanks for driving me home." I fetch my handbag from the backseat of his Lexus. There is a huge lump in my throat and I know if I spend a minute longer staring into his curious and unbelievably clueless eyes, I will cry a river. 

"I will see you in school," I say and exit the car. I walk to my apartment and don't look back. Mark texts me that night just when I am getting ready for bed:

I will leave you alone, if that's what you want.

I stare at his message for ten minutes trying to compose a reply. Finally, I decide to let him have the final word. I started this argument in the hopes that he would confess how he feels about me and it didn't go as planned.

I asked him to end us, and that's what he is doing. He is trying to abide by my wishes and I am not thrilled with the new development because I was too much of a coward to address the real issue. That I truly don't want this to end, that I crave for some sort of commitment. That I am not alone in this and we will find a way to beat the odds.

Well done Salina. Now you know men are not gifted in reading minds

Fighting back angry tears, I turn off the light.