Frisson

25 | a million years

"Thought you were on new sleep medication," I say.

He props a knee up and sighs. "I am. It hasn't kicked in yet."

"You've been home for hours."

"I never said when I took it."

I rest my arm against the doorway, attempting to unravel the darkness coiling in my chest like barbed wire. "Why'd you do it? You just got out of rehab. The day I picked you up, you said you'd never have to go back."

He groans and nestles further into his pillows. "Chace, get out."

"You promised."

"I didn't take anything!"

I take a heavy step forward. "So, you mean to tell me you went to your favorite place, got Rory high, and didn't take a damn thing?"

"First of all," he starts while sitting up, "I didn't get Rory high."

"So she asked you for drugs?"

He turns his head, looking at the guilt resting at his side.

"Exactly. You wanted a buddy to get high with, and that's exactly what you got. Except, I trust that she's a lot more responsible than you when it comes to-"

"Oh my god, can you stop being a dad for once?" Tyler shoves his hands through his hair and looks at me with wide-eyed frustration. "So what? I did a little bit of blow. It was harmless."

My pulse jumps despite being fully aware of the truth. Somehow, hearing him admit that he's relapsing yet again revives the continuous cycle of pain he causes me by harming himself. He hasn't seen himself like I have. He's never felt the true despair of watching his baby brother die in front of his very eyes. "It starts out harmless until I'm bailing you out of jail or-or saving you from overdosing. You let my girlfriend ride on the back of your motorcycle while you were both high and being chased by the cops. I could have lost both of the people I care for the most in this world. You said you'd look out for her. I asked you to make sure you didn't get her in trouble."

"And I did that!" He jerks his hands out. "You know how many times I've been chased by the cops? They're not going to catch me." He scoots forward with a shadowy scowl. "And have you met your girlfriend? She's stubborn as hell. She begged to get on that damn bike. If I didn't take her, she would have stolen it and raced by herself."

I hesitate. "She begged you?"

Tyler laughs as if I'm clueless about my own girlfriend and he pities me for it. "Yes. She had the time of her life, Chace. She's an adult who can make adult decisions on her own. Do you honestly think I can control her? Can you control her?"

I look down and set the water and medicine aside. Of course, I can't control Rory. She's her own bundle of cutened chaos. I don't want to control her. I just don't want her to get hurt because Tyler doesn't know when to quit.

"Be honest, bro. You're not that concerned about what we did."

I frown. "What? Of course, I am."

He stands up and folds his arms, raising his chin in a challenging manner. "You're just upset that it happened with me." I can't think of a reason fast enough to deny him. He takes a step forward. "You don't trust me. You think because Rory and I had sex once, we're gonna fuck while you're gone."

My stomach twists but I shake my head. "Tyler, I never said that."

"You don't have to! It's all over your face." He motions towards my pinched expression, but he sounds less annoyed and more hurt by the second. "I can't believe after nineteen years of being my big brother, you think I would do something like that to you. Haven't you endured enough abuse from your own fucking father?"