Reason To Be (A Zouis Family AU)

Interlude Three, Chapter Three

Niall nods at that. He knows far too well that isolating himself doesn't help matters. So he decides to just let it all out in a ramble the way it usually happens.

"Jase texted me - the one who used to give me - give me the stuff? Um, yeah, him. And I didn't text him back but I felt like I - like I wanted to," he spills out, heart racing in his chest at the notion that the words will probably cause disappointment to the man.

He's meant to be better. Why isn't he better?

But Papa just sighs sadly and gives his hands another squeeze. "Darling, you should've come down to me and Dad. You know we wouldn't be mad about that. You're meant to tell us these things so we can help," he reprimands gently.

Niall can't even stomach the relief as he nods, taking a small, shaking breath as tears flood his eyes. He tries his best to blink them away but they stay in place stubbornly. "I want to stop taking those meds," he says abruptly, apparently taking his father by surprise because the man just blinks at him. "They - they make me feel so bad. I don't wanna take them anymore."

Papa looks sympathetic as he winces. "You know they're going to help eventually. It just takes time with these things, sweetheart. Can't you just stick things out with them for a little while longer and see if it gets better?" He asks softly.

He wants to cry at the words and refuse, but he can't bring himself to. He's had a lucky escape from the man being disappointed with him once today, he doesn't think he'll be lucky again.

So he gives a small nod and twists one of his hands from his father's grasp to try and swipe at his face as the tears finally fall. His shoulders shake as the crying properly starts, because now that he's going, he can't seem to stop. It only gets worse when he feels the bed dip beside him and his father's strong arms wrap tightly around his trembling frame.

"Oh, sweetheart," Papa breathes, one hand rubbing up and down his back ever so gently.

He cries a little harder then, realising for the first time that he hasn't allowed himself to react like this to anything in so long. And it's helping, somehow. Letting himself break down like this in one of his parents' arms, it hits him that he's actually feeling something that isn't caused by his nails cutting crescent shaped ridges into his skin.

"I'm sorry things feel so bad," he hears Papa whisper into his hair, rocking him ever so gently like he's a baby all over again. "They will get better. I promise you."

Niall holds onto the arm that's held across his chest, hiccuping on a sob. Everyone keeps saying that, and as of right now - they haven't been proven to be true. But he still has that naivety in him that allows him to latch onto the words.

Papa keeps ahold of him for as long as it takes for his tears to run out, carding his fingers through his hair gently. He leans into the touch and savours it.

"I am happy," he whispers after a moment, wiping at his nose and glancing up at the man, who looks a little surprised at the statement. "I'm not - I'm not not happy. I don't really know what I am - just, I'm happy about Liam and the baby and I'm happy for Harry and university - I just don't -"

"You're not happy for you," Papa finishes for him quietly, resting a cheek on top of his head. Niall sighs and nods, thankful that the man gets it; relieved that he's talking about it all and not staying trapped in his own head. "We can work on that. Healing takes time."

"Yeah," he whispers. He wishes it didn't.

Papa presses a kiss to his hair. "You know Emily has her scan next week, to find out the gender. Liam's going out of his mind," he says with a chuckle, and Niall knows what the man is doing; distracting him. He allows it to happen though, knows that he needs it.

He smiles in a way that makes his skin feel tight from the dried tear tracks. "Yeah? Me and Haz made a bet," he says quietly, swallowing down the lump in his throat and finally taking an even breath. "I'm thinking girl and he's going boy."

That earns a laugh, and he feels the rumble in his fathers chest before he hears the sound. "I have a feeling Liam's going to be happy either way. Uncle Ni, huh? Makes me feel old," he states with a smile.

Niall smiles too then, and it feels less forced already. "That's 'cause you are, Papa," he teases lightly.

The man scowls at him at that, poking him lightly in the ribs. "Shut it, Shorty," he bites back, making Niall let out a small laugh and shove him back gently. Papa lets out a sigh and pulls him into his side again, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. "Ready to come down for dinner?" He asks.

"Yeah," he murmurs, breathing out all the weight in his chest as he leans into his fathers side and just basks in the warmth there for a while.

Papa holds him for as long as he needs before whispering, "you gonna be okay?"

Niall nods. He will be. Eventually.

Healing takes time.
And it's hard as hell, but he knows he has his family with him every step of the way.