Reason To Be (A Zouis Family AU)

Part Three, Chapter Seven

The whole ADHD diagnosis thing happens quite fast, and with Niall's head already in a constant high-low state, it feels like a huge whirlwind that he can't quite process.

At first it's nothing. Just a hesitant shrug and acceptance.
Then came the doctors appointments and the prescribed medication to help calm him down - and god, he wishes this could have happened months earlier before he got caught up in everything else because now he has to fake taking the pills so that they don't have some sort of effect on the high he gets from the coke.

And it's so dumb. He's so dumb.
All that matters is chasing that next high because in between he feels lower than low. So the pills stay in his hand as he lowers it from his mouth, dropping them into the pocket of his school blazer.

They come in quite useful too. Jace seems pretty invested on giving him a 'discount' when Niall hands over his meds along with the money in exchange for his supply.

He's so far in and he doesn't even know how he got here, but there's nothing in him that is interested in turning back. He's in too deep and as far as he's concerned, nothing is ever going to go back to the way it was before anyway.

He passes each day by in a sort of haze and there's no way out of it. The fog is so thick that he finds himself unable to think straight or even think at all.

And isn't that what he wants?

So it continues.

And it only gets worse.
From waking up in the early hours with his heart pounding and skin soaked with sweat, unable to take an even breath to the nose bleeds that come when he isn't careful with his intake. He can't go for long without another hit, and the spaces between seem to be getting shorter and shorter until he doesn't know where one high ends and the next starts.

And he's a mess. He knows he is. Maybe he always has been - he can't be sure, it's hard to remember.

He's shaky and pale and all thin and gawky in a way that he's never been. He wonders how his parents haven't noticed yet but he knows exactly why.

These performances of his are perfect. Nobody has ever seen through them.

He thinks about Danny a lot too.
And his birth parents.
And about how he doesn't even have friends anymore because the only person he ever speaks to outside of his house is Jace. Though James still invites him to parties and things. Probably just to laugh at him.

Or maybe that's the paranoia.
He isn't sure but his skin itches all the time and he feels like everyone is out to get him.

It makes for a very lonely time.

He goes to the bathroom at lunch today. It's a common occurrence, but today he's particularly shaky and his mind is filled with spiralling thoughts that he just wants to escape. He thinks about the way Danny's blood had soaked his clothes, neck twisted at a weird angle. He thinks about stealing the money from Liam's wallet. He thinks about how he lies to his parents faces every single day.

He takes more than he intends to, snorts it off of the back of the toilet system without a care in the world for the hygiene. There's a gnawing thought at the back of his mind telling him that maybe he should be less reckless, make sure he isn't taking too much but honestly? He stopped caring about the repercussions of the drugs long ago.

And there's this huge part of him that's so angry at his parents for not realising that he isn't normal sooner. He gets angry a lot lately. It disappears along with the thoughts soon enough.

He isn't really sure what goes on for the rest of the day, but he somehow manages to attend all of his classes without any trouble; even if he doesn't remember how.