Small Doses

Chapter 42: Mew

I am at the back of the garden waiting for our turn to walk down the aisle.  The whole setup is picturesque. Olive chose this place for her wedding because of how lovely it would look in her photos.

The whole garden is surrounded by trees with hanging purple and white flower vines and what look likes a pond with kois swimming in the clear mossy-stoned waters. The rays of the sun peeking from the leaves from time to time. The pond also cuts in the middle of the round garden and can only be crossed through a bridge. The bride will cross the bridge and walk to the gazebo where we all are waiting. The chirping of the birds and the waterfalls scattered in the garden plays in the background. This is the perfect location for a wedding. I must say, Olive went all out in preparing her wedding. And I am happy to be a principal sponsor in this lovely occasion. 

"How have you been?" Gulf said beside me. We are waiting for our turn to walk down the aisle. I have purposely busied myself in inspecting everything in the garden to avoid talking to him. I still can't get over the fact that I was not prepared for this meeting. Olive really tricked me. I had no idea Gulf is coming here. My hands are clasped inside my pocket trying to hide the unease I am feeling.

For the three months that I meditated, went on hiatus and tried to do a sabbatical, I have not for once mentioned his name. When one of the partners mentioned him, I went to a fit. How dare he sugggest that Gulf's way of handling out suppliers was more humane and it's best we take that route. When I caught two of my employees reading an article about him on the internet, I almost fired them. How dare them blatantly admire him in the internet when they're supposed to be working.

When I decided to end things between us, it took a while before everything sunk in. First, I became so numb, I probably wouldn't have felt anything even if a knife cuts through me. But when the numbness subsided, that was when I felt the full blow of the separation.  It was so hard moving on, everything reminded me of him. I can't even sleep comfortably at home because I see him playing the instruments. I see him gazing at the stars. I see him crying in the sofa the last time we talked.  Then came acceptance. Somewhere between the three months, I started to realize that I have to move on. If I need to be secure with myself, I should be able to accept my own demons and face them. No one is responsible for myself but me. I started to appreciate the feeling of being able to be myself without feeling guilty that I might hurt others with my own choices.

"Mew?" Gulf softly said again beside me.

I turned to him. He looks the same to me, but different at the same time. There is an intensity in his eyes I have not seen before.

"Please talk Mew." He said again.

"Prinicipal Sponsors turn please." The organizer said. Then he signalled for us to move along.

Gulf looked frutstrated when we had to walk without me talking. I moved along. He catched up and we walked together in silence and crossed the bridge, to the aisle in the middle of the chairs, then separated on the first row. We were instructed to sit in the opposite corners of the first row which has five chairs each.

I looked at the entourage as they did their turns. From my periphery, I see Gulf looking at me. I looked at everything else except him. I am not ready for this. He still affects me too much. I anticipated being over him. It puts me off that even after this time, he can still make my heartbeat accelerate.

The entourage finished their march, followed by Olive escorted by Ben and his wife. Ben sat 2 chairs away from me with his wife. Ben looks tense.

"Hey, this is just the rehearsal Ben," I said smiling.

"It already looks real to me Mew," He said. I smiled again. Fathers. I patted his back.

My gaze shifted at his back and accidentally saw Gulf looking at me again. Our eyes locked and for a second everything went still. For a moment, I forgot the three months I have been trying to collect myself. I cannot look away. We just stared at each other. I feel my breath hitch as if the air around me is not enough for me to live. My chest expanding and constricting grasping for something that just a few minutes ago was life sustaining. Everything just crashes back like a bulldozer, bulldozing my defenses. I have to take control. I just need to. I looked down, breaking eye contact. Mew, you're breaking down with a glance. This is not right. This all consuming feelings will kill you again. Haven't you learned your lesson? Compose yourself Mew.