Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Lina: The Eye

Although the friends are very different from Minnie, I had a hard time telling them apart from each other. Minnie explains the differences, but we don't often see them express these differences in scenes. So it's hard not to confuse them. I was constantly mixing them up and even now I couldn't say exactly who is who. The scene at the welcome week party was the only time that I really got a sense of who, at least, Raven is. The line about her being a social butterfly really stuck with me and from then on I had an easier time telling them apart. But I'm not sure whether she's the elf princess or the daughter of a god. Those details got really mixed up. It also might be because in the first few chapters they're introduced together and tend to come up in the narrative at the same time. Splitting this up might help the reader tell them apart. That being said, I liked the intention of what their characters are supposed to be, I just think the story needs some work in separating them out.

The rest of the characters were a bit flatter, which is understandable. Minnie's parents were interesting but we didn't get to see much of them in any actual scenes, so it was hard to care about them. The same goes with Scott. He's introduced and then everything else about him is told in summary. We don't actually get to see him have a lot of dialogue or actions that express his character more.

Writing Style: 2/5

As much as I think the premise is fun and I like the protagonist, the biggest issue with this story is the writing style. Everything is told in summary, there is very little showing and very little actual scenes where people are doing anything. There are massive info dumps and a lot of explaining of the world without actually showing us what the world is. There are so many fun and interesting things going on in this story, and it is all hidden behind this writing style that is a bit hard to get through.

I can't stress this enough - you have to show instead of tell. Once you start to learn how to do this, you'll be surprised by how much your writing comes to life. And it will, because all of the content is there. You just have to practice and learn the right ways to express that content. I'll use the first chapter as an example.

In the first chapter, the narrator has a good voice. She's funny and likeable. The information you're sharing is good too, although it is a bit too much of an overload. But instead of telling us all about the world and the magic, why not show us? What is the character doing at that moment? Is she brewing up a potion? Is she in the middle of one of her mother's lectures? Let the information come naturally from what is happening in the scene. Instead of telling us all about her friends, why not have her go to school and actually see her friends? Does she run into Eva hitting on a boy? Is Raven busy organizing the graduation and making sure everyone knows all the information? What are the characters doing that can show us who they are and what they're like without you having to tell us in detail.

With the world building, let things come up naturally if you can. Instead of telling us about the expectations of the High Council, maybe show Minnie's mother being called away suddenly to take care of something. Then give us that information naturally, in a moment where it makes sense because it's been brought up. In this way, you can spread out the information more rather than giving it to the reader all at once, because it's hard to keep track of. There were so many rules and details about the world, which are all really cool, but when they're bunched up altogether like that it's really hard to retain that information.

The world building is also a bit lost in the writing style. We should be seeing Minnie use her magic from the first chapter. What does it look like? What does it feel like? What words does she say? How does magic work in this world? We don't know any of that. We're just told about her magic instead of shown.