April's Heart

Home

"Daegu, is that close to where you're from?"

"About 150 miles from Ansan. I told him that I would soon be going home. He said I was lucky."

April didn't say what she was thinking because the sudden realization of it was far to distressing to face on such a beautiful summer day. She simply smiled and sipped her drink hoping it would force down the feeling of dread rising in her stomach. But it didn't. She knew nothing would so she dove in headfirst.

"I want to learn Korean," she blurted out.

Jae beamed.

"Really?"

"Yes. I think it's a beautiful language and someday I'd like to visit Korea. Visit you."

And with that Jae knew that she knew his secret. The secret she hadn't realized he'd been keeping until a moment ago when his eyes shone so brightly at the thought of going home.

He seemed like he wanted to say something but she took his hand before he could speak.

"You never intended to stay, did you?"

Jae shook his head.

"When the time came, and I knew it would, I planned to go back and stay. I only came to America to please my mother."

"And you've been miserable here."

"For the most part. I work so hard but I never advance. I don't have time to live. To enjoy my life. It feels like nothing but struggle. I'm tired, April. These past few days with you have been the best since I've been here though they've also been the worst. I don't want to leave you but I want to go home."

April wished his confession was a surprise but it wasn't. Part of her knew ever since she saw his painting. The colors represented his home. The pain she saw in the painting and felt in his presence were his desire to go back there. A feeling of loss and abandonment. The same he had been feeling his whole life.

"Does your mother know how unhappy you are here?"

Jae shook his head emphatically.

"No. April, this was her plan for my life. Knowing how I feel would break her heart."

Suddenly an image of Jae as a child flashed through April's mind. He was still that boy, crying alone in his room, trying to spare his mother the pain of the knowledge of his despair. The moment his father left he stopped living for himself, his happiness became secondary. Had they never met he would go back and after the pain of losing his mother subsided he would finally be able to be free to live a life of his design. Now though, he would be burdened by thoughts of her. Wondering if he should try again to make America his home. Just as his mother's had, her expectations would be guiding his decisions.

"April, I don't know what to do."

Every impulse in her brain was telling her to beg him to come back to her to see where their relationship would lead.  She wanted to try to convince him that she was all he needed.  But she knew that it wouldn't be fair to either of them. Jae deserved to finally be free. As much as she wanted him she knew that even more he needed to see where his true destiny would lead. She couldn't interfere or interject her will into his life. She knew his freedom depended on her willingness to let him go.

"Well," she said, smiling through her pain, "what you do is go home."

"But..."

"No, there are no 'buts'," she said squeezing his hand trying to draw any strength she could from him, "you're going to go through with your plan."

Jae sat back in his chair, obviously astonished by her demand. But she knew it was the right decision and she knew he knew too because he didn't argue. There was no fight, simply acceptance.

They stared at each other for what felt like hours. Finally, Jae got up and took her hand. Without a word, they began to walk. They walked through her neighborhood. At every corner, as they waited for the light to change, he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. She led him through the town. They stopped at small storefronts and looked at the treasures inside. She told him stories of the times when she was younger, running through the streets, going to the clubs. He listened and laughed when she told him about falling after a night out in very high heels and having to hold onto a lamppost while her friend retrieved her car to pick her up. When night began to fall, they sat at Meridian Hill Park surrounded by fireflies and the magic of the night.

Everything she wanted to say seemed wrong. She would miss him but telling him so would only make him feel guilty. She was sorry for so many things but bringing them up would only remind him of bad times. So they sat in silence until, just as the sun dipped below the horizon, he gently kissed the top of her head and whispered, "I love you."