Chasing Shadows | ✓

Chapter Twelve

NATALIA WAS AVOIDING ME.

I knew the second that when we locked eyes and she turned around to rush away, that I had fucked up again. Once again, my words had hurt someone I didn't mean to hurt. My teeth ground against each other, while my thoughts conflicted.

Should I even try and apologize? Did I need to apologize? While my words probably came across as harsh, were they really that hurtful to the point where she felt the need to avoid me? It was just too easy to be cruel when you were in those moments, but I never thought about the damage that was also being done.

Then again, this would be the perfect opportunity to get her out of my life - it wasn't uncommon that anyone I had ever tried to get close to got hurt and Natalia was only digging her own grave by choosing to be my friend.

"God," I muttered under my breath, elbowing past the crowds of teenagers that blocked the corridors. I wasn't someone who took others' feelings into consideration. I said what I wanted and took what I needed without thinking twice. I was selfish and I used people without feeling any remorse.

But why was she making me think? Why was she making me feel remorse?

I stalled in the classroom doorway, sighing when she sat in her usual seat beside mine. Was I just supposed to sit down and pretend like everything was fine? Or was she not going to talk to me?

Hesitant, I made my way over to my seat, eyeing her carefully while I sat down. She didn't lift her gaze from the book she was reading even when I cleared my throat.

"Um. . . hey?" I coughed when my voice cracked, "How are you?"

Natalia didn't even blink, instead turning the page and continuing to read.

"Did you do the homework?" I continued, scratching the back of my neck, "I - uh. . ."

A frustrated sigh left my lips the longer she didn't speak. I couldn't lie and say I hadn't gotten used to her constant chatter or her loud voice. 

I started to reach over to tap her shoulder when she unexpectedly flinched back in fright. Her eyes shot up to mine as she blinked at me with wide eyes. I wasn't sure if I would have even been able to describe the feeling that I felt when she flinched away from me. It was almost like someone had a tight grip on my heart, and was squeezing it with their fists. The pain that shot through me was nearly unimaginable. Dread crept over me like an icy chill, numbing my brain and in this frozen state, my mind offered me only one thought: Was she afraid of me?

Natalia didn't say anything and a few silent moments passed before I asked in a shaky voice, "Do I. . . Do I scare you?"

As I stared at her, I realized I didn't even need her to give me a reply. I could see the guilt and shame plastered over her face. And somehow, her not saying anything, felt worse. I could feel my shoulders deflating, a defeated expression taking over my face.

But why had I expected any different? How could I sit here, after treating her as I had done, and expect her not to be afraid?

"I'm sorry," she finally spoke. Her eyes were downcast, like she was embarrassed, "But Trevor. . . Anger is your default emotion. It's like your safety blanket, because if you go straight to anger, you're less likely to be hurt right?"

Slowly, she lifted her head, locking eyes with me, "Do you think it's okay to hurt even those who haven't done anything? Those who want to help?"

I scrambled to come up with an excuse, "Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I told you I was having a bad day -"

"Don't even bother apologizing if you're just going to continue doing the things you said sorry for," she interjected with a hard edge in her voice before sighing. Natalia gathered the few items on her desk, holding them close to her chest as she stood up. My mouth opened and closed, but I couldn't seem to get any words to come out.