M U T E

|| 29 ||

Another week has passed without talking to Jocelyn. I keep blowing it off, but now is the time. I'm doing it now. It's Saturday morning. I walk straight up to the doorway of their room. The door is open, and Jocelyn is inside. She's writing in a notebook. 

"Jocelyn," I say.

She closes the notebook quickly and looks up. I walk into the room.

I say to her, "I need to talk to you." 

She sits down on the floor, and I sit opposite of her. 

"Okay, so I need to get this out before I blow it off again," I am really talking to her, my nervousness is on high. I hesitate, then speak again, "I want to say I'm sorry. I-I have been so awful all these years, and I didn't see it. I owe you an apology from back when I didn't say a word. I told you I wanted you to die, and I didn't regret it after. I do regret it. I was angry because I was hurting. I looked past the fact that you have been hurting. I looked past the fact that the only reason you have been mean to me was because something was hurting you. I don't know what was hurting you, but that doesn't matter. I should've been there, helping you up no matter what it was. Because that's what friends are for. Friends help each other up when they are down. I didn't help you up, though, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Jocelyn. I-I should've helped you-you," I wipe the tears away that keep falling.

I couldn't even finish what I was saying. Everything started hurting. The missing hole in my heart is spreading pain throughout my whole body. Jocelyn sits there staring at me. She looks so uncertain. She looks afraid. 

The Jocelyn I know is fearless. She always looks so certain and so proud. It's like I flipped a switch. It takes a while for her to speak.

"I was hurting in one of the most ugliest ways," she sighs, "I've always been jealous of you, Reyna."

What?! Jealous? Of me?!

"The other kids in our class, well they loved you. They adored you. Whenever I was with them, your name always came up. 'Reyna is just the cutest, isn't she?' 'Reyna is so mature.' 'Reyna has a beautiful way with words. I could listen to her talk all day, and I'd never get bored.' 'One of the most beautiful names I've heard, Reyna, it's quite unique.' And-and I got so- I got so sick of it," Jocelyn wipes a few tears away, "you walked around with that huge beautiful smile. You had this intelligence in the way you spoke. It was so annoying! It's like you were- ugh! It is like you were sitting on a cloud in the sky above everyone, and I-I wanted to pull you down to Earth. I wanted to dent your perfection, so that you could be as imperfect as the rest of us. You have this quality of being so easily adored, and I wanted to steal that quality. So, I did something terrible," She stops to take a couple deep breaths and wipes away more tears.

"I told lies. I told fake embarrassing things. I stole your words. I said that a lot of the things you said came from my mouth first. I said that you stole MY words when it was the other way around. I told them you were a phony. I put you down. I turned it around on you. I took all your amazing qualities, flipped them, and made it out to be your worst flaws. I made myself believe all the lies I told. When you told me you wanted me dead, it-it made it easier to believe that you were the evil in my life. The evil in my life has been me all along. I put someone down because of my own insecurities. You shouldn't be sorry. I wasn't a friend either. Instead of helping you up, I pushed you further down. I can't take any of it back, but I am sorry. I'm sorry for all the pain I have ever caused you."

My vision blurs from tears. My hearing goes numb from the sound of my own sobs. I start feeling the pain all at once. I feel the absence of that piece of my heart that she had held onto all these years. I thought I'd feel happiness and love when it got placed back, but all I feel is the hurt. I feel the hurt of everything I've missed without that piece. My life has been altered because of that one missing piece. I race out of the room, and back to my own. I lock the door and I cry. 

I cry because I let her take that piece of my heart. It's impossible to live happily with a big gaping hole in your heart. Don't let that piece get away. Don't let it be absent for 10 years. Because when it reconnects, you feel the absence. You feel the difference. And it hurts. It hurts so much.
I cry on and off for the next two hours. I cry until my eyes dry out. I sob until I have no voice. I hurt until I'm numb. I feel everything until I feel nothing at all.

* * * *

The next day, I feel fine. I go downstairs, and I eat. My eyes are swollen, and my voice is gone. I'm fine. I did it. 

My heart has been damaged since I was 6 years old, and the first piece of my heart was stolen. Over the years, people started taking their pick, and claimed pieces of my heart. They took pieces until there was nothing left. Well, guess what? I win in the end. I, me, Reyna Murray, picked up all the lost pieces. I picked up every last one. I did it by myself. I didn't just make a change in myself either. I see a lot of things changing.

Vienna doesn't wear her mask anymore. She dropped out of Drama Club and joined the Astronomy Club. She doesn't cake her face with makeup anymore, but she still wears a lot. She didn't completely change everything. Having hid herself for this long, it's hard to go back to being herself right away. I believe Vienna is still finding out who that person is. The real Vienna. She says hi to me in the halls, she'll smile and wave when passing by. I still see her with those same friends. People didn't leave her like she thought. 

My mom talks to me more. We sit down and have long talks here and there. It's nice to open up to her. 

My dad asked his boss for more free time. His boss agreed, knowing that family is important. My dad now has open weekends. He spends a lot of time with Vincent, Kole, and me on weekends.
It seems like I made some changes in the people I'm around and changes in myself. I have a full heart. It's damaged; it's cracked, but it is all put in place. Every heart has its cracks, but the damage that had been put into it shapes you. I wouldn't be who I am without my damage. I wouldn't have affected the people around me without this damage. Vienna would still be hiding. Dad would be working too hard. Jocelyn would've still been blind to herself. 

I have a heart that is full. But something is still missing.