Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 781: Friday 16th November 2018

"So," said Katie, "Tell me about yourself Luke sweetheart. How old are you? 45? 47?" "Well actually," I said, "I..." "Oh, look at Cassie's cute little face," said Katie, interrupting me, "Isn't she adorable?" Katie gave Cassie a playful kiss on her head. "Yes, Cassie, sweetie, Mummy loves you lots and lots and lots," said Katie. She then turned to me. "I'll put 45," said Katie, "Let's be generous. So, who do you live here with? You said you lived with your Mum who's a bit of a nightmare and who else lives here?" "Well," I said, "There's Ash. He fusses all the time and acts like my bl**dy boyfriend." "Oh, so you're gay?" said Katie, "Well good for you. Why not? It's legal these days you know? I love gay people. Maybe you can be my new gay best friend?" I tried to say something but Katie just spoke over me. "Oh, look at her little face," said Katie, in an annoyingly happy tone as she rubbed Cassie's head, "Isn't she beautiful? So, Liam, what was it like being frozen for five whole weeks?" There was a slight pause as Katie gave me an expectant look as she tightly held her pad and gripped her pen. "It's Luke," I bluntly said, "And to be honest I..." "Were you scared?" interrupted Katie, "Were you frightened? Were you terrified? Were you fearful for your life? Did you think you'd been forgotten and that you'd die all alone down there like a discarded, unwanted middle-aged failure?" "Excuse me?" I bluntly said. "Oh, just look how beautiful she is," said Katie, putting on her annoyingly happy voice as she rubbed Cassie's belly, "Just look at her. Oh, she likes having her belly rubbed. You like that don't you, Cassie? Yes, Cassie likes having her belly rubbed. So, Liam what do you think about people calling you The Great Frozen Man?" "Well," I said, "I..." "Bit annoying?" asked Katie, once again, interrupting me. "Err, I..." I started to say. "Mildly frustrating?" asked Katie, "Extremely irritating? Absolutely excruciating? Had any thoughts of getting into a car and mowing people over?" "No, no, I haven't," I firmly said. "OK, OK," said Katie, scribbling on her pad, "Not a car. A lager vehicle perhaps? A tractor?" "God, no!" I exclaimed. "Speaking of tractors, I heard you were working on the local farm," said Katie, "You met Tania and Aliyx didn't you?" Katie then turned to Cassie and gave her a cuddle. "Oh, isn't she beautiful?" said Katie, in that annoying child-lie tone, "Such a beautiful little girl. So, Luke, do you have any comment on sexually harassing Aliyx?" "Whoa, hang on," I snapped, "I didn't sexually harass her. She sexually harassed me. She got her t*ts out and asked me to milk her like a cow." "So, you were in the company of a young woman whilst her breasts were on display?" said Katie. "Yes..." I tentatively said as Katie excitedly scribbled on her pad, "But it wasn't like that." "I'm sure it was a misunderstanding," said Katie, "I mean, you're gay, aren't you? You're not into big breasts." "I love big breasts actually," I snapped, "I can't get enough of them." "How interesting," said Katie, as she continued to scribble, "Are you confused about your sexuality?" Katie reached down into the flimsy cardboard box that was on the floor, picked up one of the chocolate fancies and offered me the sweet chocolatey treat. "Here you go sweetheart," she said. "Oh. Thanks," I said. I collected the chocolate fancy from Katie, but her faffing about with her bl**dy dog resulted in me struggling to keep hold of the chocolatey treat, and I ended up dropping it on the floor down by the side of the sofa. I rolled my eyes as Katie proceeded to fuss over her bl**dy dog, and shuffled to the end of the sofa. I extended my arm down by the side of the sofa and as I looked up to the ceiling, my hand patted the floor down by the side of the sofa trying to locate the chocolate fancy. My finger ended up prodding something squishy. Smiling with joy, believing I'd located my chocolate treat I grabbed hold of what I thought was the sugar filled snack and immediately shoved into my mouth and started chewing. It was after the first two or three seconds that I sensed something was wrong. With my mouth full of what I thought was a chocolate fancy I froze to the spot and adopted a terrifyingly cautious look. "Oooh, you big greedy guts," said Katie, as Cassie jumped off her lap and ran to the side of the sofa, "Shoving it all in at once. Your teeth will fall out. They're good though aren't. What with the end of the world and all that I'm not sure how long we'll be able to enjoy desert like this for." Cassie then reappeared at Katie's feet with something in her mouth. "Oh, Cassie, sweetheart," said Katie, "What have you got there? What have you found at the back of the sofa?" Cassie dropped her discovery on the floor, to reveal the chocolate fancy that Katie had just offered me. Katie picked up the chocolatey treat, appeared confused and then gave me the same confused look. "Well if that's the chocolate fancy, what have you got in your mouth?" Katie asked me. Katie's expression suddenly changed from mild confusion to horrific realisation. She looked down at Cassie who had a look on her face like butter wouldn't melt and then she looked back at me. Katie tentatively leaned forward and sniffed the area around my mouth. "Oh dear," said Katie, quickly leaning back and adopting an expression suggestive of smelling something rather unpleasant. "Have I got your dog's sh*t in my mouth?" I sternly asked with a hint of horror. There was a slight pause. Katie looked rather uncomfortable as the expression on my face remained one of frozen fear. "Am I eating your dog's sh*t?" I bluntly asked. "Oh, Liam, don't be cross with her," said Katie, in an annoyingly optimistic tone, "She poops when she gets nervous." "I'VE GOT YOUR DOG'S SH*T IN MY MOUTH!" I shouted. I stood up with utter horror plastered across my face as I started shouting and spitting lumps of Cassie's sh*te out of my mouth and on to the living room floor. "Oh my God!" I yelled, "That's disgusting! It's absolutely disgusting!" "Oh Liam, don't say that," said Katie, "If Cassie hears you calling her poop disgusting, she'll get all self-conscience and insecure." "Self-conscious and insecure!" I yelled, "It's her f*cking dog sh*t that she's left behind my sofa! What are you doing letting your dog take a dump in my house!?"  "I was writing up my notes," said Katie, "I didn't see anything. You need to be more careful with what you pick up and put in your mouth." I widened my eyes and gawped at Katie in outrage. "Oh, I'm so sorry," I sarcastically said, "I mean, how bl**dy stupid of me. Of course, it's all my fault isn't it? What an idiot I am!? I mean everyone knows to be on the lookout for a stray piece of dog sh*t lying around your house. Oy God, this is vile. I can feel it in-between my teeth. It's on my tongue! God, I think I'm going to be sick." "Oh, Liam don't be sick in here," said Katie, "Go to the loo. Me and Cassie don't want to see you being sick." "You and Cassie can go and f*ck right off!"  loudly snapped, as I continued waving my arms around and spitting lumps of sh*t out of my gob. "Oh, Luke, really," said an unimpressed Katie, "Now there's no need to be like that. It's just a bit of poo." "Just a bit of poo!?" I yelled, "How would you like it if I did a sh*t behind the sofa and you picked it and shoved it in your mouth thinking it was a brownie?" "A chocolate fancy," said Katie, correcting me. "Whatever," I snapped. "What would you be doing having a poo behind the sofa?" asked Katie. "Oh, just shut up and get out of my house!" I loudly snapped. "Liam, you need to calm down," said Katie, "You're making a mountain out of a molehill." "A mountain out of a molehill!?" I loudly exclaimed, "I've been eating your dog's sh*t!" "Well technically you've been chewing it," said Katie. "I'VE GOT YOUE DOG'S SH*T IN MY MOUTH!" I shouted. Cassie then ran over to the laminated bit of floor and peed on it. "Oh Liam, look what you've done," said Katie. "What I'VE done!?" I loudly exclaimed, "I'm not the one who's just p*ssed on the floor." "She does that when she gets scared," said Katie, "Your shouting's scaring her." "My shouting is scaring her!?" I loudly snapped, "Well her sh*t is traumatising me! I'm going to go upstairs and wash my mouth out with a sh*t load... I mean, a f*ck load of mouth wash. If I ever see that dog again, I'm going to bl**dy cripple it."

I went upstairs and spent a good thirty minutes scrubbing my mouth clean and gargling with a ton of mouthwash. How I wasn't sick I'll never know. Once I'd cleaned myself up and sprayed myself in deodorant I went back downstairs. Remembering that Cassie had peed on the floor I decided to mop it up. Rather than turning right into the living room, I turned left into the kitchen and went over to the cupboard where the mop was. The door was still open, so I reached inside and grabbed the mop but I ended up holding just the handle. The mop head had fallen off again. "Oh, for f*cks sake," I snapped at myself. I looked inside the cupboard and saw the mop head nozzle once again sticking up between the tea towels and the dish clothes, and still feeling p*ssed off from chewing on Cassie's sh*t, I firmly gripped the mop handle and aggressively shoved the end of it into the nozzle. What followed was a painful yelp. My eyes widened and Katie appeared in the door way of the kitchen. "Has Cassie come in here?" she asked. I removed the mop handle from the cupboard and spun it round desperately hoping that it would reveal that I'd stuck the end of the handle into the mop head, but instead of the mop handle being inserted into the mop head nozzle it was well and truly inserted into Cassie's arsehole. I was stood at the far end of the kitchen holding the mop handle which was inserted into the Staffy's arsehole, looking like I was about to mop the floor using Cassie as a mop head. What I thought was the nozzle pf the mop head was actually Cassie's arsehole! Katie gave an almighty scream. "AAAAAAAAGH!!!" she yelled, "What have you done to my dog!" Poor Cassie had a rather perplexed look on her face whereas I looked mortified. "You evil b*stard!" yelled Katie, "You said you'd cripple her and you have!" "No! No!" I loudly said, desperately trying to reassure Katie, "It's OK. It's OK." "It's not OK!" yelled Katie, "You've got your mop handle up my dog's arse! Don't just stand there! DO SOMETHING!" Having no idea what to do, I thoughtlessly just did the first thing that entered my head and yanked Cassie off the end of the mop head and placed Cassie on the kitchen counter. "Oh, thank God," exclaimed Katie, "Is she alright?" Katie and I bent down slightly to see if Cassie was OK and just at that moment Cassie gave a violent fart resulting in a huge spatter of backed up liquid sh*t to explode out of her arse and splatter all over mine and Katie's face. Katie and Cassie left shortly after....

Later, when Ash and Mia came home, I had to tell them why the house stank of sh*t. Ash wasn't happy that my exploits had caused our home to stink to high heavens and Mia couldn't get her head around why I wanted to use a dog rather than a mop head to clean the floor. God knows what Katie's going to print about me in the paper. She was already making a load of sh*t up as she was "interviewing me" but after she saw me chewing on her dog's sh*t and watched me stick a mop handle up her dogs arse, I think it's a safe bet to say she's got me pegged as some sort of dog abuser; especially after I kicked her across the room yesterday.

I wish I could go back in time and start this day again.

On another note, Mum still has showed up. I'm going to give her a proper telling off when she eventually shows her face. Dirty cow...