Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 774: Friday 9th November 2018

Entry 774
Friday 9th November 2018

I started at the farm today. It did not go well and I won't be going back!

I arrived at the farm just after 8am. A large piece of land laid before me; lots of dirt tracks going in different directions, surrounded by muddy fields, rickety sheds, rundown barns and rusty machinery. It looked like a nice rural farm but it was obvious it had been neglected and was struggling to operate.

I walked up to the main farmhouse; a large but unkempt building, with a few rotten bits of wood, a few broken windows and dead flowers and plants on the porch. It looked rather unloved and forgotten. I was about to knock on the door when I realised, I'd caught my foot on a loose bit of wood that was sticking out of the porch floor. I tried to yank my leg free but I was stuck, solid. "Oh, for f*cks sake," I snapped at myself, "Come on!" Unbeknown to me, the front door to the farmhouse and had been opened and a young woman was in the doorway. I was getting angry at being stuck and I was taken my anger out on the loose piece of wood. "Oh, I'm going to f*ck you up in a minute" I angrily said.  I then gave my foot one final yank, it became free, I lost my fitting and ended up falling on top of the young woman who was placed in the doorway. The pair of us yelled loudly and I ended up laid on top of her on the hallway floor. To make matters worse, it turned out the young woman was in a wheelchair. This was Tania; one of the owners of the farm; a woman in her early thirties with long dark hair, dark glasses and wearing black gothic type clothing. "Oh my God!" I shouted, remaining on top of Tania, "I am SO, SO sorry. I can't apologise enough." "Get off me!" Tania angrily cried. I stood up and looked down at Tania, who was trying to prop herself up. "Is there anyone else here?" I asked, "Shall I call for someone? Do you have a carer?" "A carer?" snapped an angry Tania, "I can walk, I just need to use the chair sometimes." I reached out my arm and I helped Tania up and put her back in the chair. "Anyway," I said, "Sorry about that. I'm Luke." "You're late," Tania bluntly said. "Only by a couple of minutes," I said. "So, we're agreed," said Tania, "You're late. My name's Tania Wiltshire and I run this farm, but I won't tolerate any abuse." "Abuse?" I said. "You've just told me you wanted to f*ck me up and then you threw yourself at me," said Tania. "No, it wasn't like that," I said, "I was talking to the wood." "Wood?" "My wood," I said. Tania's eye's widened with horror. "No! Not my wood!" I loudly said, "I was stuck. It was all stiff." "I beg your pardon?" exclaimed Tania. "No!" I said, "Oh God, this is coming out all wrong. Let me be clear. When I say 'stiff wood' I don't mean my erect penis. I would never get an erection in front of you." Tania's eyes once again widened. "Oh God. No!" I said. "I don't mean it like that. I'm not saying you're not attractive. It's nothing to do with being in that chair either. I used to have lots of friends who were in wheelchairs. My friends Dad was in a wheelchair; mind you he was lying about it. I'm not saying you're lying. I'm just saying it wouldn't be appropriate for me to get... Err... Excited in front of you. What happened just then was a misunderstanding. I didn't throw myself on you because I find you attractive. I do not find you attractive. Not that I think you're a dog. I just ended up on top of you because of the stiff wood, and by stiff wood, I mean the stiff would out there on the porch, not my erect penis."

At that point another young woman entered the hallway. "Did someone say erect penis?" she said with a cheeky smile on her face. This was Aliyx, a young woman with long blonde hair and a few piercings. "Erm... Yeah, hi," I said, "I'm Luke." I offered a handshake to the Aliyx but she grabbed hold of me and gave me a tight hug and I'm sure I could feel her hand trying to get a hold of my arse. "I prefer to hug than handshake," said Aliyx, "Anyway, I'm Aliyx Howell. I run the farm with Tania. We're glad to have you here." "That remains to be seen," said Tania, "He certainly hasn't created a good impression. He just threw himself at me and said he wanted to f*ck me." "Err... No," I said, "I didn't say that. I said I wanted to f*ck you up, and anyway I didn't mean you. I meant the wood." "Oh, Tania, you lucky cow," said Aliyx, "I wish I had some handsome man throwing himself at me. What sort of music are you into Luke? I'm a bit of a rock chick." "I like more cheesy pop stuff," I said, "Eighties stuff. Ah-Ha, Take on Me. That sort of thing." "Do you think you could take on me?" Aliyx asked me with a cheeky wink. "Sorry?" I said. "Oh, it doesn't matter, I'm only playing," said Aliyx, "So you've come to help us out, have you?" "I am not sure I want him here," said Tania. "Oh, come on Tan," said Aliyx, "Give him a chance." "Look, I just want to contribute," I said, "I've never worked on a farm, but I'm happy to give it a go." "Give it a go!?" exclaimed Tania, "It's not something you GIVE A GO. It's bl**dy hard work." "I'll settle him in," said Aliyx, "Come on handsome. Let's get you sorted."