BUTTERFLY WINGS | Wattys 2020

AGAIN

DANIEL'S POV

I woke up in the middle of the night and it as if I was reliving the horrors of the first night again. The contents of my head were threatening to burst out of my skull.

I screamed and that was what I remembered about it. I was vaguely aware of a couple of people bursting into my room and somebody hunting for a phone to call the ambulance. The sirens of the ambulance, me being shifted, and everything else came to me through a haze of darkness as I was wheeled in for an emergency operation.

I woke up with Phoebe beside me and felt the twang of pain as the newly sutured openings of my skull resisted my movement.

Wincing I dropped my head back, panting from the exertion.
She was practically sitting there dozing.

Seeing my eyes open however she sprang awake, coming over to comfort me.

“Were you here throughout the damned night?” I asked, peering through my eyelashes.

“Yes, I came as soon as I got the news,” she said, gently pulling the covers down and finding my hands to hold.

“I should make a contract with my mom not to call you for every little thing that happens to me.”

“This was little?” she rolled my eyes pointing at my bandaged head.

“Well, compared to the bigger threat looming over my head this is absolutely little.”

I smiled at my own joke because Phoebe’s eyes had turned glassy.

“Look,” I said, “just like you had accepted your fate, I need to accept mine. Don’t make it any harder. Saying it often familiarizes me with the ultimate end. Though, I don’t know what that end has in store for me or how that end will come…”

My voice trailed away as the millions of stories I had read on the internet popped up one by one. Each one was deadlier than the other and I found my emotions smothering me again.

As much as I hated to admit it, I still feared that unknown end. that force which was enough to steal everything away from me. And there was no doubt that each attack was a step towards it. Saying it over and over didn’t make that death any less unwelcome.

But to be honest, I was more afraid of the pain, than of death itself. How would it feel to lose control of your vital organs as the tumour consumes your brain bit by bit? How would it feel when the tumour would bleed into my brain and I would have one of those seizures, only ten times worse? How could I meet Phoebe’s eyes then?

I may be blind, deaf, and dumb as all my senses will fail. I may be immobile, needing help for all my daily activities. And how old would I be? Twenty-one? Dead at twenty-one? That’s the end? My life would end before it even started.

And the other option was too lucrative for once, no pain, no loss of control, pure, blissful death. Surrounded by loved ones, holding onto Phoebe’s hand and drifting into oblivion.

They had an ugly name for it - assisted suicide! Huh! It’s death, bliss, relief from a life of having to suffer in hellish conditions. I had had a lot of opportunities to think about it these days. But the choice was easy. What was tough was knowing the pain you'll put them through, the pain that others you leave behind will face.

And then I turned and Phoebe was staring at me, her beautiful eyes trying to bore into my soul. And that made all my thoughts falter. As long as I was with Phoebe, I could never bring myself to do that. Every time looking into her trusting, innocent eyes, I would fail to take the step which would be best for me.

But shouldn’t I actually discuss with Phoebe? She may agree to that? And then there won’t be any need for hiding, or deception. I could actually take her with me and hold her hand while I take that thing, whatever it is that’ll help me die. But how do you talk such stuff with someone you love?

Do you think Daniel's thoughts are rational? 😡 I'm angry at him.

The new cover I made!