instagram | chaelisa

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"I'm okay."

"No, you're not."

Jisoo looked up at the camera. "I'm fine," she chuckled, "I just couldn't control my emotions that day... but it's all fine now."

Jennie furrowed her brows. "But-"

"I'm really okay, Jennie, I have always been embracing for the worst all this time. And I'm happy Chaeyoung got in, I really am. She's worked so hard for this chance, I don't want her to be affected because of me," Jisoo smiled.

"Okay... but if you ever feel the need to let out the negativity, I'm always here, alright?"

"Yes, okay!" Jisoo laughed, "When that day comes, I'll spam you loads and loads of messages!"

"BUT! If my phone crashes because of you, you better be getting that McDonald's treat ready. A full Buttermilk Crispy Chicken meal and an Oreo McFlurry, oh and one vanilla cone, if the machine happens to be working!"

"Yes ma'am!"

"I need to go soon, but text me whenever you need to, yeah? I'll be up all night for you... and that McDonald's meal."

"LMAO okay yes, ma'am. You can go now HAHA."

"Goodbye my darling~ Oh and your smile is super cute today as usual~"

"Did you just blow a kiss at me! I feel violated HMPH!"

"LOL. Jokes aside, I love you as always."

"Love you too, hun."

Jisoo sighed as she put her phone down. There was so much going on at the same time, and she wasn't sure how to react. "Stressful experience, don't recommend. 2/10." She shook her head and picked up her phone again.

It had been three days since the announcement of results, and oh boy, she spent the three days crying. It was a hard time. She just didn't know how to feel about it. Should she be sulking over the fact that she didn't make it again? Or should she be celebrating for her best friend? She didn't want to be selfish.

"The whole world doesn't revolve around you, Kim Jisoo. Get over it. There's nothing to be sad about, others have it worse than you." She had to make sure she wasn't selfish.

All along, she was always the support for others. She was the strongest, the bravest, the happiest — she could not be selfish, because people needed to depend on her. If she had fallen, who would all her friends turn to? No, she could not think of leaving them alone, helpless and hopeless.

She hid her tears, she kept them to herself. She would stand in the shower, and feel the hot steam on her skin, the lukewarm water hitting her face, then slowly flowing down her chin, her neck, to her legs. The pitter patter of the water droplets would ring throughout the bathroom like sweet melodies. She liked the lightness of it. The melodies would play again and again in her head -- they seemed to be able to cover the stupid thoughts in her head, the silent sobs down her face. It was perfect, she didn't want her family to hear her.

Water had always been her comfort. She wanted to be like water. Like how it would change itself to fit into whatever container it was in, like the molecules would hold themselves together just right, not too tight nor too loose. No, she isn't a fan of the sea, or the pool. She liked water in its original form, and it seemed to be able to comfort her all the time.

Now, now. It was time to pick herself up. No more sad crying sessions at 3am in bed. No more emotionally drained Jisoo.

During the three days she kept to herself, her phone blew up with notifications. Chaeyoung had sent her hundreds of messages, and she didn't dare to open any of them yet. "What do I say?" Jisoo pursed her lips as she tried to stop herself from fiddling with her fingers.

It had always been the two of them getting rejected together, then treating each other ice cream to cheer each other up, and lastly a big hug would end all their disappointment. Now that Chaeyoung had gotten in, Jisoo didn't want all the attention to be on herself. Chaeyoung deserved the spotlight, so she had to make sure that her sadness was locked away in her heart, never revisited.

Jisoo typed out her message on the Notes app. Then she deleted it and started over. Then it happened again. And again. It just felt so awkward, every single word she was typing out felt out of place.

"Ahem, um..." she recorded on her phone, "I'm sorry... Congratulations! We should find some time to hang out again and we can, you know, sneak under the blankets and play Never Have I Ever. Then we can just talk and talk, and babble on and on about our celebrity crushes, our dreams! I miss you. I'm sorry for being like this. It's your turn to shine, and I hope you do well in Clover!" She listened to herself speak over and over again, until it didn't sound like her voice anymore.

"Hey Chaeyoung! Congrats! And I'm sorry."

She scrolled all the way down, without looking at any of the messages. After hitting 'send', she waited quietly. Then she turned off her phone, and headed straight for her bed, once again, hiding herself from the world.

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[1/5/20]

hi everyone! i'm back hehe.

we're on partial lockdown, so the government decided to bring forward our school holidays. i'm hoping to upload at least two more chapters for this break, but i'm not sure if it'll happen haha :")

on a side note, as i'm re-reading this book, i feel that i left out a lot of details on the characters, their backstory and background and all. i think for now i'll continue the book till it ends, then maybe if i have time, i might do some deep thorough editing HAHA.

thank you for all the support as always! my style of writing is still changing quite a bit, so bear with me as i try to find my style LOL.

with love,
chiminjoonya ❤️