Reason To Be (A Zouis Family AU)

Part Three, Chapter Ten

"No," he chokes out. "I stole from you!"

His biggest brother lets out a small sigh then, before taking him by surprise and climbing up into the bed beside him. Niall automatically moves over to make space as the twenty year old puts an arm over his shoulder and tugs him into his side.

"I don't care about that, buddy...I mean, it's wrong to steal and all, but you know that. I think you've beat yourself up enough about it," he says softly, and Niall falls into his side, moving one hand up to hold onto his chest as the tears keep on falling.

The forgiveness only makes him feel worse because he doesn't deserve it - why is everyone being so good to him?

"You're allowed to be mad," Niall says between muffled sobs. "I - I messed up. I messed up so much and everyone is just forgiving me."

Liam rubs a hand up and down his arm. "Call it a group effort then," he says, and Niall looks up at him through teary eyes in confusion. His brother smiles slightly. "We all messed up, Ni. Thinking back, it's pretty obvious what was going on with you. The past few times I came home, you weren't yourself. You hardly spoke and when you did it seemed forced. And you haven't looked well for a while. We all just...looked past it. And it's not because we don't care, because we do. I think it was more of a...we didn't want to think there was anything wrong type situation. Because you're Ni, and you're always happy. So we messed up too."

Niall contemplates the words for a moment before he tucks his chin down again, shifting so that his head is on his brother's chest, right over his heart. He remembers being really little, maybe the first few weeks of living with them, curling up next to Liam like this on a movie night.

So much has changed. It hurts to think about sometimes.

"I'm not," he whispers eventually. Liam stays quiet, so he carries on. "Always happy. I'm just good at pretending," he admits, words laced with fear because he's never been able to bring himself to say it out loud before.

His brother's strong arms tighten around him slightly and he grips onto his shirt a little harder.

"You don't have to pretend. Not anymore, you know that?" He says softly.

Niall just sniffs and stays quiet.
He isn't sure who he is when he's not pretending. Beneath the ADHD and the need to be constantly seen and heard...he feels like he just wants to be someone that his parents can be proud of. Like his brothers.

Even if Papa says he's good enough as he is; he's not sure he'll ever believe him.

"You remember, um, well of course you remember but...after the crash. When you didn't speak for all that time," Liam says quietly after a few moments.

Niall hates that after all of this time, he still flinches at the mere mention of that period of time. He supposes he never really got to work through it properly. Or honestly, at least.

He gives a small nod and Liam goes on. "Remember how I really thought that you not speaking was all my fault? I avoided you for weeks and y'know, that was probably pretty tough on you. You needed all the support you could get and I just...stayed away. And then that one day, you just came and got into my bed next to me and - I dunno. You weren't mad at me at all, you made me realise that I was beating myself up over something that wasn't my fault. And after that, I spoke to Dad and Papa and things got better."

"You're trying to reverse psychology me or something," Niall mumbles against his chest, though the memory hangs heavy in his own.

He remembers that day. Things had been so much more innocent back then...he hadn't even known what death was, for crying out loud.