Hers To Bear - An SVU fic

20.Wants and needs

AMANDA'S APARTMENT...

It's been two weeks since I said goodbye to Noelle and it hasn't been easy. I find myself crying more often than not as it seems that everything reminds me of how drastically my life had changed these last eight months - I'd become a rape victim and a mother in just that short amount of time and I still haven't been able to fully wrap my head around either fact.

The one bright side to dealing with all of this is that I haven't had to go through it alone; Fin, Nick and Olivia, they've all been here for me and giving me all the support I need. Even after I said goodbye to Noelle, Olivia has managed to steal an hour each day just to come by my apartment and make sure that I'm doing okay. As much as I've wanted to, I could never bring myself to ask about the baby. I knew that letting her go wouldn't be easy but I didn't think that it would be so hard.

"I should get home, she'll be awake soon and hungry" Olivia said as she got up to leave.

"Is... how's she doin... Noelle?" I stammered

"She's fine; getting more beautiful every day." She smiled

"Is she eating ok?"

"She is. You know, you haven't been out of this apartment since you left the hospital; why don't you come home with me and see her?"

"That's not a good idea"

"I'm sure she misses you"

"She's two weeks old, she doesn't know what that is; besides, you two need bonding time."

"We're bonding just fine."

"I can't"

"Amanda, you're leaving in two months; I just think that spending time with her will make the transition easier for you." she reasoned. I couldn't help but smile

"You know, I'm trying to make a clean break, why can't you be normal and just let me?"

"Because I have no idea what that even means" she laughed "besides, I want our sweet baby girl surrounded by as much love as possible and I know how much you do love her."

I immediately felt tears fill my eyes and I couldn't stop them from spilling over.

"You really don't mind?" I asked through my tears

"I wouldn't invite you if I did"

"Yes you would" I grinned "It's who you are... and I am so grateful for who you are!"

"I'm the grateful one" she said "Come on, let's go see our baby girl!"

***

OLIVIA'S APARTMENT...

Fin was watching 'Maury' in Olivia's living room when we got back to her apartment.

"Fin, thanks for watching her, she still asleep?" Olivia asked

"Out like a light. Hey, baby girl, surprised to see you out and about." He said as he kissed my cheek

"Liv wouldn't take no for an answer" I said sheepishly

"That's Liv" Fin smiled "I hate to run, but I got a call about a suspect and I need to get back to the house" he apologized

"Thanks again Fin" Olivia said as she walked him to the door

"Any time. "

After locking the door behind Fin, Olivia made her way back to the living room just as I picked up a beautiful silver rattle that sat in a Tiffany box and had Noelle's name engraved on it.

"Wow! This is fancy!"

"Gift from Brian" she said as she took a seat

"Cassidy? I didn't know he had such refined taste"

"That makes two of us" she said then stood up just as quickly "I'm gonna go check on Noelle, help yourself to anything you want."

"Thanks but I'm good." I assured her as I placed the rattle back down on the table. Olivia went off to the nursery and I looked around the living room from where I sat, the whole space was filled with baby toys and baby things and beautiful boxes that were filled with gifts that hadn't even been opened - Noelle was a very lucky little girl.

"What are you doin here Amanda?" I asked myself just as Olivia came back with Noelle in her arms and I froze.

"Look who's awake!" she said cheerfully as she sat down beside me. I looked over at her, in just two weeks she'd already changed so much, her mass of curly black hair was now silky straight and her blue eyes had intensified in color and were wide and alert. Her little cheeks even have my dimples! I couldn't stop staring as she stretched and grunted in Olivia's arms.

"You wanna hold her?"

"I don't think I should" I said even though everything in me was screaming to have her in my arms. "Actually...I think it would best if I just go" I said as I got up from the couch.

"You don't have to" Liv protested as she carefully placed Noelle on the sofa and stood up

"Yeah... I do. This was a mistake. I knew it when I agreed to come" I argued as I felt my tears coming and I turned to leave

"Amanda wait"

"Olivia please... please... just let me let go" I begged as I looked down at my daughter so perfect and innocent - so pure. I had to make sure that her world stayed that way.

"I would if I thought you really wanted to"

"What I want and what she needs are two completely different things! I can't be her mother and I know that you mean well but this... it's too much!

"I didn't mean to overwhelm you"

"I know you didn't. My mind is trying to move on but my heart won't let me; my body won't let me; it's been two weeks and my milk still hasn't stopped - just thinking about her..." I wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand as Noelle began to fuss and Olivia bent to pick her up.

"There has to be something I can do"

"You already have." I said then kissed her on the cheek. "I gotta go" I said tearfully, as I took a long look at Noelle then turned and walked out the door.

...

As I made my way home, a million thoughts began to swarm my head. I felt so alone right now and for the first time in weeks I found myself wishing that Sara and I hadn't fallen out. I missed my friend and I needed someone who could take my mind off of everything - someone who wasn't emotionally invested. Once I got into the cab and had given him my address, I took my phone from my pocket and dialed her number, it never even rang, just went straight to voicemail and I didn't bother to leave a message, instead I hung up.

***

AMANDA'S APARTMENT...

I got back home and the rest of the day had my mind restless; there was more I needed to say to Olivia, important things that had to be said and as I lay in bed wide awake, I decided that I had to do it now as I picked up my phone to Skype her.

"Amanda, everything ok?" Olivia asked as soon as she appeared on the screen

"Did I wake you?'

"No it's fine, Noelle's wide awake so... what's goin on?"

"Liv... that dress I gave you in case you wanted to know... I already know."

"How?"

"When I saw her hair...that patch of white, it's a birthmark. Before they had a chance to drug me, I remember him telling me that everyone in his family is born with it; it fades but... Liv promise me that you will not pursue what they did to me. His family won't take it well

"I don't care about who those people think they are!"

"You should. You go after him for my rape, they will find out about Noelle and they will come after her just to hurt me and we can't let that happen." For the first time in a very long time I saw something in Olivia's eyes that I never thought I'd see again after Lewis' Trial - fear.

"Who is her father?" she asked after a long pause.

"Chad Cartwright... Senator Cartwright's son!"