The Power Of Love

Something Special

17. Something Special

                            I sat on the hard, uncomfortable bed in the nurse's office, squeezing the ice cube within the palm of my hand as I listened to the sounds that surrounded me. The ticking of the clock adding a dramatic effect that pulled away at my heartstring, my wrist burned, from the need of wanting to run something sharp along its trails.

I gulped, waiting for it to pass, waiting for the ice cube to do the trick, waiting for my sanity to return, waiting for the demons to be silent, but instead, it kept building up, I couldn't take it anymore. I squeezed the ice cube tighter closing my eyes this time as I tried to focus on something else.

Dr Francis said that whenever the voices came back, all I had to do was focus on something positive, focus on my happy place, but no matter how hard I tried nothing was working. I felt the scream building up from deep within and I wanted to scream, pull away at my hair, rip my skin apart, trash the entire room, but instead I bit down on my lip hard as the tears rolled down my cheeks

The ice had melted in my hand, having no effect whatsoever because I still wanted to do it-I still wanted to hurt myself. I covered my face with my hands not caring about the cold water from the melted ice that went into my eye, running my fingers through my hair I completely broke down, in silence.

'Sam the nurse was in the other room, he had left me to have some privacy, and so I broke down biting down on my lip to restrict the sobs from escaping. I rubbed my face roughly, as I stood up to straighten my clothes.

'You can do this. It's okay. You're okay' I whispered to myself soothingly.

The voices in my head laughed at me and I covered my ears painfully trying to get them to shut up, but they didn't. I exhaled before storming out to see that Sam had fallen asleep, and my outburst caused him to jump up in fright.

''Sorry kiddo''

''It's fine-I-I feel much better now, I was going to go'' I said avoiding his eyes

''Are you sure?'' Sam asked uncaringly

''Yeah'' I said before rushing out.

It was approximately 6 pm in the evening, I made my way to my bedroom in a hurry, the minute I was inside I braced myself against the door and tried to catch my breath, my throat felt like it was closing up and I wheezed desperately to catch another breath.

My hands tremble in fear and a heat rush took over my body; this was one of my stages of having a panic attack. The tears rushed down my face, and I breathed heavily, closing and opening my eyes rapidly to get rid of the images that flashed before my eyes.

The first picture that came to my mind was a picture of my father's funeral; everyone standing over his lifeless body and me lying in bed with a bottle of vodka and a razor blade.

''I'm sorry'' was all I could breathe out as my tears blurred my vision.

The second picture was my mother weeks after the funeral; sitting on the couch with the same broken expression for months, she didn't move, and she remained wearing my father's favourite sweater because it still smelled like him, and then his smell went, and she had a meltdown, and I did nothing-

''It's all your fault'' Said the voices

''I'm sorry'' I said desperately

The third picture was of Jeremy sitting in his bedroom crying in the silent because he had no one to talk to, no one wanted to listen.

''Stop. Stop. Please' I begged

I sat at the edge of my bed, curled up with my hands covering my ears as I cried, the voices spoke in whispers and then suddenly they started to shout harsh words at me, and my head hurt terribly from the backlash that they surrounded me in. I rocked back and forth covering my ears trying to think of something positive like Dr Francis said but I just couldn't.