The Power Of Love

Normal

19. Normal

I tried my best to carry on with the rest of my day, as I distracted myself with simple things like reading the same book over and over again, going to the common room and numbly watching the repeated episode of Family Guy. And then I ate dinner; today's special was beef lasagne with fresh coated salad. I was then weighed and as expected I didn't improve much from the last time, but still, the nurse seemed to be hopeful as she pointed out that there was something new about my whole demeanour, and she smiled widely as she dismissed me.

I chose to ignore her as I walked to the bathroom taking a shower and then dressing in overlapping guns and roses shirt that looked like a dress on my tiny body, along with a pair of doc martens. I brushed my hair down in its natural curls and stared at my features over and over again.

The mirror in the bathroom was guarded with steels that restricted the patients from smashing it and using it to put an end to their misery. And for the first time in months, I stared at myself in the mirror and although it was hard to recognise the girl staring back at me, I still tried my best to at least be content with who she was, with who I have become, and with how I looked.

I disregarded the voices in my head as I faked a smile at the freckles that marked my cheeks, remembering how much my father admired them, and how he'd always tell me that they made me special and unique because he had the exact same thing. Tears welled up in my eyes and I allowed them to fall, deciding that I didn't want to hide the tears anymore, I didn't want to hide anything anymore because I was mentally and physically tired.

I didn't feel like fighting this battle anymore, I was tired of always fighting to take breaths to stay alive. I was just tired and needed to feel free and a float for once. I pushed my hair to the side allowing it to cascade down; as I made my way to circle time. My palms began to sweat, and I felt a sudden feeling of nausea rising up in my stomach, as my heartbeat quickened from anticipation.

I was anxious, nervous, scared, but also excited to see Eric. I spent half my day worrying about him and how his meeting with his family went. I feared that he would see his father and everything that he's worked so hard on manifesting for himself will completely go down the drain, and he'd go back to square one. I didn't want that for him. I entered Circle time and instantly my eyes scanned the room, searching for his face, but he was nowhere in sight.

My heart sunk in my chest, but I chose to ignore the stabbing feeling as I walked over to take a seat. I couldn't stop myself from looking up in hope whenever the door opened and someone walked in, but I was disappointed each time because he didn't walk through the doors. Tears brimmed up in my eyes, but I fought with myself to not let them fall, the voices in my head laughed at me as they mocked me for thinking that Eric cared for a second.

I overlooked them as I tried desperately to focus on the words that left Jeffrey's lips.

''Does anybody want to share anything?''

And before I could stop myself, I rose my hand, and instantly I regretted it. Jeffrey's faced beamed up with excitement, and I gulped mentally cursing myself as I rose to stand. I didn't have anything to say, I didn't have anything that I wanted to share with these people. I only raised my hand because I wanted a distraction from the voices in my head. I blinked multiple times, breathing in and out, letting the voices and the words go unnoticed as I faked a smile.

''Go ahead Louise'' Jeffrey urged on

''Uh-I just wanted to say that, I think uh-'' I closed my eyes, trying to think of something to say, but nothing would leave my lips, taking deep breaths in and out I begin to speak as I allowed the words to roll off my tongue.