Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: Heart in a Shell

His voice pierced my ears, making my stomach churn. " She needs to be here."

It should be:

His voice pierced my ears, making my stomach churn. "She needs to be here."

Next, capitalising words. You only capitalise words that are proper nouns, such as names of people or places. Here are some incorrect examples from your story:

The Sun shone directly on my face.

It should be:

The sun shone directly on my face.

Another example:

"Yes your Wallet. Now do you remember?"

It should be:

"Yes, your wallet. Now do you remember?"

Speaking of capitalisation, you do not need to capitalise words straight after a comma since it is technically part of the same sentence. For example:

As soon as the Principal was out of sight, My eyes went to the Creep beside me.

It should be:

As soon as the principal was out of sight, my eyes went to the creep beside me. (Creep would only be capitalised if you said Mr Creepy, since that is a proper noun.)

Also, now that I've mentioned commas, you tended to lack them quite a lot. For example:

He began to kick her in the stomach making me bite the inside of my cheek...

Read that aloud without any pauses. See how it feels awkward? That's because it should be:

He began to kick her in the stomach, making me bite the inside of my cheek...

Next, ellipsis. Whenever you use ellipsis, please restrict it to three dots only – not:

"Don't hurt my daughter....... I am begging you."

It is grammatically incorrect, unprofessional to read, and redundant. Keep it to:

"Don't hurt my daughter... I am begging you."

And one last random note:

"You can not tell me that high school is too dangerous."

Cannot is one word – not two. 

Characterisation: 4/5

First, Rachel. I think she makes a fantastic protagonist! It makes sense that she has a pretty hard exterior and doesn't like getting attached with people and/or objects considering how much she moves around, and despite that, you've conveyed her in a way that makes her relatable – I laughed at how excited she got over a queen-sized bed, and I felt terrible for her when she was stopped from painting even though she loves it.

Additionally, she shows a touch of humour – giving funny nicknames such as "Mr Creepy". And though some will call it reckless, she shows a caring side by letting said creepy man spend a night in her workshop despite the risks. When she doesn't want to go for a particular dinner, she still goes anyways because it would make her mother happy, and she has a nice layer of sarcasm to her (I laughed at the green lips remark). All in all, she makes a well-rounded protagonist, so well done!

Obviously, security light pole side, my impression of Mr Creepy was not fantastic considering how rudely he spoke to Rachel when he pushed her against the wall at school and called her a slut. That aside, the last chapter so far has redeemed him, and shown he is not just defined by his alcoholism.

Other side characters are great, too – I love Papa James, who is so invested in Rachel's love life. I also like her mother, who literally threw water over a kid for asking her daughter out and encouraging her to go to Russia with him. However, there were just a few things I found a bit odd. Let's take this moment:

"W-what are you saying? You kn-know we have to-to move because of my job."

That was said by Rachel's mother, who has been lying for ages. I'm glad it led into the whole "Mum stuttered and she never stutters" – but the amount she stuttered in the dialogue felt a bit ridiculous and awkward to read because that sort of stuttering is associated with a nervous child. It made the mother seem a bit odd and cartoonish. Maybe just make her stutter once? Or hesitate instead?

Also, avoid telling instead of showing. Avoid saying "I felt despair but beneath that I felt an underlying glimmer of happiness" because that feels a bit vague. Describe it for us – what does that feel like? 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I've already spoken briefly about showing and telling, so I won't get into that again. First, I must commend you on the descriptions you employ – setting the scene of the park with loud children and the trimmed grass. And I love how you twisted that into something shocking and scary, with blood coming out of her ears in the haunting dream.

In moments like those, I encourage you to slow that transition down. Employ more internal monologue, and really show us how the scene transitions. Use more figurative language – personification and metaphor – to draw out the mood and tension.

Also, I love how you use one-sentence paragraphs to really hammer in the conflict and tension within scenes – especially that rather powerful prologue! However, do be careful of overusing them. Eight one-sentence paragraphs in a row loses the impact, as there is nothing to contrast it to. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

Once again, I loved the impactful beginning – that prologue was one way to hook the reader in with a nice, vague sense of underlying terror. I also like the recurring symbol and scent of the rose; it's beautiful, but painful if one gets too close and touches it.

I also sense a bit of foreshadowing here and there, with Rachel not liking to wear dresses but not knowing why. I also found it nice and cyclical that Mr Creepy (that's all I'll call him) returned the necklace after she returned the wallet.

While I am struggling to judge plot so far because I feel like we haven't quite gotten into the nitty-gritty of the action and suspense, I am already sensing some nice character development! We have Rachel, who is quite prejudicial and not wanting to be friends with an 'alcoholic' start to have a soft side for him (loved the moment with her, his mum, and the stunt in the middle of the road). Draw out the relationship building – feel free to make them be more stubborn, and less forgiving, until they reach the climactic end of the story.

Also, the fair share of high school drama is always quite tense with the bullying – like with Harry Walter and Charlotte. It was so awful what they were trying to do to her! I must also commend you on how you handled her panic attacks – they didn't feel too forced, and the physiology was described quite nicely. Well done!

OVERALL SCORE: 17.5/25

Overall, a promising story so far! Make sure you work on your capitalisation and punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!