Hers To Bear - An SVU fic

19.The hardest thing

"Olivia, why did you let yourself want this?" she asked herself as a torrent of tears made their way down her face but she quickly wiped them away, determined that she wouldn't cry. She was startled when the phone pierced the silence and she quickly reached to answer it, seeing that it was Amanda.

"Hey, everything ok?" she asked, trying to sound cheerful.

"Yeah, we're good" Amanda said as she looked down at Noelle who was again, happily feeding from her breast. They'd spent practically the entire night bonding this way; Amanda talking to the infant during and between feedings, even when Noelle would close her little eyes and drift off to sleep - she never put her down from the moment Olivia put her in her arms and she had eventually fallen asleep cradling her.

"Actually, I was wonderin if you could come... I need to see you"

Olivia's heart dropped, she could feel what was coming.

"Um, yeah, I'll get dressed and be right over" Olivia said and ended the call. She suddenly had a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach as she took a deep breath to stop the tears that were threatening to spill but breathing did more harm than good and the sick feeling was now hard-hitting nausea that sent her to her knees in a nervous fit and made her vomit.

After Olivia had dressed and left her bedroom. She stopped in the hall and stared at the door to Noelle's nursery. She didn't dare open it knowing that it would be too painful for her to look inside; instead she put her hand against the door for a moment, and as she turned to walk away, she made a mental note to arrange to have all of the clothes and furniture delivered to Amanda's apartment before tonight since Amanda had nothing there for Noelle.

***

HOSPITAL...

It was a little after 9am when Olivia got to the hospital and entered Amanda's room to find her sitting up in bed with Noelle in her arms even though her heart was breaking, she couldn't help but smile.

"Now that's a beautiful sight" she said after snapping a picture. Amanda looked up at her and smiled.

"Hey, you made it!"

"Sounded important... hey baby girl" Olivia said softly to Noelle as she smiled down at her, the infant turning her head in Olivia's direction at the sound of her voice, causing the pain in Olivia's heart to worsen.

Just breathe! She reminded herself as she nervously took a seat on the bed.

"So what's going on?" she asked

"The doctor says we can go home." Amanda told her

"You must be happy to be getting out of here"

"Relieved actually... Liv, I wanna thank you"

"For what?" Olivia asked.

"For everything" Amanda said with teary eyes "Especially for making me see how stupid I was being."

"Stupid is a pretty harsh word"

"I suppose... you know, I haven't put her down all night... I haven't stopped talking to her all night."

"She's a pretty good listener" she joked through her tears, she and Amanda both smiled.

"I had to tell her how sorry I am for everything I tried..." Amanda stopped to wipe her tears before she looked down at her daughter. "And to make sure that she knows how much she's loved; how much I'll always love her... but I can't be her momma, that job's already filled" she sobbed. Olivia looked at her, completely shocked; had she heard her right?

"Are you sure about this?" Olivia could barely speak above a whisper

"I can't be what she needs"

"Amanda..."

"No, Liv, it's okay; I love her with all my heart... but I still can't bring myself to want her and I hate that I'm selfish enough to feel that way."

"You're not; you're just trying to do what's right for your daughter."

"I told you, I was just growin her for you." Olivia reached out and wiped Amanda's tears as they both smiled "And please don't ask me again if I'm sure because believe me, there is no way in hell I'd let her go if I weren't a thousand percent sure that you are the absolute best thing this world has to offer her!" neither of the two women could stop crying at this point.

"I swear to you, she'll be in good hands" Olivia promised

"I know." Amanda said as she squeezed Olivia's hand before turning her attention back to Noelle. "Hey babydoll. It's time for you and me to say goodbye to each other. I want you to be a good girl for your momma okay? Cuz you got the best one any kid could ever hope to have...but you'll see that as you grow. So um... I don't know, eat your veggies and clean your room... don't miss curfew and absolutely NEVER let anyone in your life who isn't worthy of being there! I love you, even after you forget me, I will always love you no matter where I am in the world!"

She ran her fingers through Noelle's thick mass of hair, paying special attention to the patch of pure white that stood out against the black and she had a brief flash of that night but just as quickly, she shook it off and planted a ton of kisses on Noelle's tiny face and head.

"I'm ready" she said to Olivia, kissing her baby one last time before she carefully transferred her to Olivia's arms

"It doesn't have to be goodbye" Olivia said through her tears.

"Yes it does" Amanda whispered. Olivia, while holding Noelle, wrapped her other arm around Amanda and held her tight, the two of them sobbing in each others' embrace.