The Revelation

In session

Marlena's question caught me a little off guard. The way she phrased it made me realize how absurd it was for me to be upset by Shane parenting Julie.

"No, of course not. Shane is just as much Julie's parent as I am."

"Is he?"

"Of course he is. What are you getting at, Marlena?" I asked, not only annoyed by her accusation but quite offended as well.

"You don't feel that you should have the final say in matters concerning Julie? It would seem only natural as her biological father you would. Right?"

I hesitated perhaps too long but responded thusly, "No, I don't feel that way."

"I don't think anyone would fault you if you did, Mike. I mean afterall, Shane is Julie's guardian, you're her father."

Even though I knew Marlena was playing devil's advocate, I couldn't help feeling a miniscule amount of truth to her words, despite wanting to vehemently deny her accusation.

"No, Marlena, Shane isn't any less of Julie's father just because of a DNA test." I sighed, finally starting to realize the point Marlena was trying to make.

"Let's switch gears for a moment. Tell me how you felt when Shane forcefully grabbed Julie's arm."

To be honest, I was a little relieved she wanted to change the subject until I heard the new topic of conversation, but I trust Marlena so I'll cooperate nonetheless.

"I was upset, Marlena, angry even."

"Why do you suppose that is?" Marlena asked, without looking up from her notepad as she continued to write.

"I don't know. I just didn't like it."

"We both know why you felt the way you did, Mike. Why are you afraid to give your feelings a voice?"

"I'm not afraid," I said, annoyed with Marlena's accusation.

"Then say why, outloud, right now."

"Come on, Marlena. Do we have to do this?" I sighed, resting my head in my hands.

Marlena waited me out, hands folded in her lap, never taking her eyes off me.

"It pissed me off. Okay? Is that what you want to hear?" I stood up and walked behind the chair I just vacated. Placing my hands on the top of the chair, I leaned over it facing Marlena and started to unleash my pent up anger. "I didn't want him to hurt her. I didn't want him to put his hands on my daughter in anger and take it too far." My voice escalated with every word.

"Take it too far, how? What were you afraid of Shane doing?"

"YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF, MARLENA!" I pounded my fists on the top of the chair. "HE TOOK IT TOO FAR WHEN HE BELTED HER AT THE PARK AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M EVER GOING TO ALLOW ANYONE, INCLUDING SHANE, TO ABUSE MY DAUGHTER EVER AGAIN!" I shouted, turning my back to her, taking a deep breath to calm down.

"Are you more upset with Shane for what he did to Julie that night at the park now that you know she's your flesh and blood?" Marlena continued to probe deeper.

"Of course I'm more upset, but I shouldn't be. She was my daughter then too. So why does it make me more angry now? It makes me feel like I was a lousy father then for not caring enough." I shook my head sadly. "And I feel like an even worse friend for thinking Shane would ever hurt her like that again."

"Are you afraid of Shane hurting Julie with his discipline? Or any of your other girls, for that matter?" Marlena asked, despite knowing the answer.

"No, Marlena, I trust Shane completely with the girls." I really do trust him. I don't why I got so upset when he grabbed Julie.

"Let's talk about the last incident you mentioned, Mike. Tell me the circumstances surrounding Shane and Julie in the common room."

"They were on the couch together watching a movie and I told Julie it was late and she needed to go to bed. She of course argued with me that it wasn't late and Shane said it was okay that she was still up."

"Then what happened?"

"I again told her to go to bed, despite Shane corroborating her story that he allowed her to stay up and watch the movie with him, then Neil yelled at me for interfering unnecessarily and here we are in session."

"Tell me why you were upset seeing Julie and Shane so close."

"Ugghhh!" I feel so childish and petty having to admit my feelings to my professional colleague. "I was jealous, Marlena. I've always been jealous of the special relationship Shane and Julie share but knowing what I know now, makes it even worse." I avoided looking Marlena in the eye due to my embarrassment.

"Why were you upset, jealousy aside, with Julie and Shane when you first saw them together?"

"I don't know."

"Think hard, doctor. You know very well what you were thinking. I'm not here to judge, I'm here to help you work through your emotions and find a constructive outlet for your feelings."

"I was angry, Marlena, because it's not fair. I sound so immature saying it outloud but that's how I feel."

"Explain."

"I feel like this secret is solely my burden. I feel like so much of my life has changed knowing Julie's my biological daughter but nobody else's has. Why can everyone else go about their daily business like nothing has happened but so much has changed for me? But then I think it shouldn't be any different. I shouldn't look at Julie or Shane differently because it's so hypocritical. I shouldn't hold Julie to a different or higher standard than Stacey, Lisa, or Carrie and I shouldn't expect Shane to treat Julie any differently now. I just can't help the way I feel but it racks me with guilt, Marlena." I sigh and rub my eyes. "A part of me wishes I never found out. I resent Shane's guilelessness and I envy Julie's ignorance. I know that sounds awful but that's how I feel."

"Do you think your relationship with Julie and Shane would improve if you told Julie you're her biological father?"

"Maybe, but I'm afraid my relationship with Stacey, Lisa, and Carrie would suffer. I wouldn't ever want any of them to feel like less of my daughter because I don't share their DNA. It wouldn't be fair to them and it might even hurt them. I'm not willing to take that chance, not now, not ever. I guess I just wanted to feel sorry for myself for a little bit. I apologize for wasting your time, Marlena." I stood up to leave.

"You didn't waste my time, Mike. You know my door's always open if you want to talk or if you just need a sounding board," Marlena said, as she escorted me out of her office. Before I left, she gently gripped my forearm. "I hope you know you don't have to play the martyr, Mike, and certainly not with me."