Tellus | ONC 2020

089:11:18:09:35:19

Behind the glass of the floor-to-ceiling window, a fall landscape is captured by the black window frame. The trees are lit with fiery orange and red colors, and descended leaves that have concluded their season are scattered across the surface of the lake in the center of the compound. The redstart is migrating south, but it has paused its travels to settle in the tree just outside the window, unaware of my observing gaze thanks to the one-way film covering the glass. It leans forward on the branch, spreading its yellow tail feathers before it leaps into the air, and a few blood red leaves release their hold on the twig, causing them to slowly gravitate in a wavy path towards the ground. Ambivalence fills my heart at the sight of October coming to an end. Our last Thanksgiving is coming up way too soon, and by the beginning of next year we've reached the day of our launch. The twenty second century has begun, and we will spend ninety percent of it in stasis, only to wake up at the very end of it in a new world.

My eyes lock at the Zimbabwean flag patch on the shoulder of the jacket on the floor of Mahanya's quarters. The warm colors of yellow, red, and green promise of sun, heat, and vast wilderness, and the black stripe reminds me of the central rivers that make life possible in the region.

"One day I would like to see your home." The words softly slide off my lips before I even know it.

"And I would like to show it to you," he sings so deeply it is almost a mere whisper. Goosebumps rise on my skin at the sense of his soft breath against my neck.

"Really?" I turn to lay on my back so I can see the expression on his face, his lips moving as he speaks, and his eyes pulling me to deep waters when he ponders, "Where would you take me?"

He smiles mildly while his face moves closer to mine until our lips meet, and he kisses me softly. His velvety lips caress mine and I let my eyelids close over my eyes to fully enjoy the tensioning and relaxing of every muscle as his lips push gently against mine. The kiss awakens a tingling in my stomach as well as the nether regions and I can't help but smirk like a fool under his lips.

When he retracts his mouth from mine, I make sure to wipe any trace of the girly grimace off my face

"I would show you the Victoria Falls, stand by the edge with you and let you experience the world's end," he slides his hand down my bare chest with a silky touch and lets it rest against my stomach, warming my whole being with a single touch, "I would take you far away from the reach of civilization to track down the last living herd of wild African Elephants. And you would of course have to meet my mother. She makes the best nhedzi you've ever had."

"That sounds really nice," I close my eyes and I can almost smell his mother's infamous soup made from richly tasting wild mushrooms.

"You know we cannot go to Zimbabwe," he softly caresses my upper arm and I watch the tips of his fingers dance across the curve of my limb, his skin so dark and captivatingly deep next to my pale complexion.

"I know. But I can still dream about it," I let my eyelids slide back down and my imagination wanders to take this bed, with him and me in gentle embrace, to the top of a cliff with blooming acacia trees growing right at the edge, and large predator birds crossing the skies that they own before our eyes. The image brings a content smile to my face, and I don't think I can ever take it off. I am happy. Here. And I never want that to end. But then it all shatters with one sentence.

"What are we doing here, Aris?" his voice is sharper than I expected, and my eyes shoot open to evaluate the perplexity of his face.

"What are you saying?" panic comes at me like a tsunami and floods my body, and my heart starts racing, as if it can outrun the inevitable. I lift my upper body and put my elbow against the bed so he no longer looks down upon me.

"You talk about meeting my amai. Shouldn't we discuss what this is?" he removes his hand from my arm, and I immediately feel cold at the absence of him on my body.

"Why do we have to be doing something; why can't we just be?" I feel myself losing the sense of happiness that I had just felt, and a confused anger starts to grow in its place, "We can't tell anyone about us anyways. To everyone else, there is no us."

"There is no us, really?" he challenges me on my word, leaning back on his arm to broaden the distance between us.

"That's not what I meant," my voice is softer now, brittle with regret, and I lift my hand to rest it against his, but the look on his face makes me drop it to the sheets.

"I think I know exactly what you meant," his words are so cold they feel like ice in my stomach. I stare at him blankly for a few seconds, before pressing my lips shut tightly and throwing the sheets off me, so I can escape the bed, which only a minute ago had filled me with unprecedented joy, but now seems so toxic.

"We need to get back on track," I speak louder now, showing him my determination without looking at him, while I pick up my shirt from the floor and pull it over my head, "We've only got months left now, and we've been too distracted to realize."

"Aris, please, stay. I only wanted to talk," I know his eyes are begging me to stay even more than his words are, but I am saving myself from this sinking ship. We were doomed from the beginning; we both knew that. Whatever. I haul the grey pants up my legs and over my hips to fasten the belt at my waist. I only wish I could leave the scent of him behind, but it is rooted deep in the fabric of my clothes and the fibers of my hair.

"There's nothing to talk about. I'm here to communicate with the aliens – that's it," I walk out the door with my uniform jacket slung over my arm and my shoes in my hand. I feel like breaking something. Instead, I start running.

As soon as the door to my chambers slides shut behind me, I shove the shoes across the room, knocking Po off my bed. I lock myself in the bathroom, even though I am already alone here. I turn the shower on hot, desperate to feel warm again. My cold skin instantly burns under the water and my clothes quickly soak, leaving me drenched and weighed down. I grab the scrub and start rubbing at my skin, eager to wash off the feeling of his touch.

Is this what it feels like to be drowning?