Lost in the Castle

~24~

I threw myself on the bed and drew the curtains all around me, hiding in the darkness, before the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I didn't even try to stop them. They were ceaseless but quiet and cleansing, purifying, and for the first time in my life, it felt good to cry. Because there was nothing better to be done about the unfairness of it all. And for the first time, an awful thought crossed my mind. I came back too late.
There was no way for us, for me and Vlad, to live together anymore. He was right. I did not belong here. Nooo! My subconscious screamed at me. If that was true, then you wouldn't have come back at all. What would be the point? I buried my head under the pillow when first silent sobs accompanied the tears, I didn't want anyone to hear me.

"Samara, I'm sorry." Junior's voice reached me from behind the drapes after some time. "I didn't mean to..."

"It's fine. You don't need to apologise," I said, my voice hoarse and breaking, betraying my tears. "But I don't want to talk to you now."

"I..."

"Please, leave me alone," I begged.

I heard him walk away and, after some time, started drifting off into a light, restless sleep, remaining on the threshold of consciousness. I could hear low, whispering voices in the room behind the curtains, Clara's and Katerina's, then Junior's again. But every time they reached me, I just tuned them all out, willing myself to drift off again.

Then I woke up, startled by my own piercing scream, choking from smoke.

Junior was next to me so fast that it made me wonder if he was just sitting next to my bed all the time. His arms came around me, strong and reassuring, pulling me close.

"Was it the same dream again?" he spoke into the messy, tangled cloud of my hair.

I nodded. "There is fire... a body lies at the bottom of the staircase... motionless... it's... your father... " My voice trailed off, and as much as I tried, I couldn't say anymore.

He inhaled sharply, the deep, shaky breath nearly a sigh.

"It's nearly dawn," he said, pulling away and looking directly in my eyes. "I know I promised him to stay here, to look after you, but these dreams... I think I know the place... Samara, do you want me to go after them?"

"No..." Yes. I couldn't send him away, could I? If something happened to him, it would be my fault. But what if something happened to Vlad and Ioan because I kept Junior here? "Not unless you want to," I added.

He kissed me on my forehead briefly and paused by the door of my chamber even before I noticed he had left my side, ready to leave.

"I'll bring him back. But you must be careful. Father shall have my head if something happens to you."

With that, he was gone.

Days passed-- two? five?-- when I would get out of the bed only to attend to my basic needs, followed sometimes by my faithful Shadow, sometimes by Katerina, coming back immediately to hide from the reality, the loneliness, the sense of guilt for sending Junior away, who knows where...

Clara would check on me sometimes, bringing me food from Cook, talking, then leaving me alone again.

There was no news from them, not even one line, one word, and I didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing. I had too much time to think, to worry about Vlad and the others, lost who knows where, wondering... not when... but if I would ever see them again.

Sometimes, my mind would take me back to my other life instead, the parallel reality where I had left my family and friends, wondering when... if... thinking, torturing myself into near madness.

Then, suddenly, it was too much. I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to get up and start living again, or I would go insane.

I opened the curtains separating me from the rest of the world, wincing at the soft light of the lambent fire, which looked blinding after all the time I had spent in the darkness.

"Katerina!" I tried to call, but my voice came out low, hoarse and broken after the long disuse.

Somehow, it was strong enough to draw the old woman's attention.

"Yes, my lady?" she asked, coming to my bed, her voice filled with hope.

"Can I take a bath, please?" It seemed like the best thing to start with.

"Of course!" she said, smiling, shuffling out of my chamber, presumably in search of helpful maids.