Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: The Elvin Enigma

"There," Phoenix reached over the counter.

Phoenix reaching over the counter is an action beat – it has nothing to do with how the words are spoken. It should be:

"There." Phoenix reached over the counter.

Another example:

"Never." Was her reply.

It should be:

"Never," was her reply.

Also, when a question mark is used because of a question, then the verbal dialogue tag following should not be capitalised. For example:

"You gonna share or what?" He asked.

It should be:

"You gonna share or what?" he asked.

Next, tenses. You were pretty consistent, but you did slip once or twice. For example, when you're describing Trevor:

Despite his hard exterior aside from his wide eyes, Trevor was soft like play dough. [was = past tense]

Naïve is a word suited for him. [is = present tense]

Since you're describing the same person in one paragraph, the tenses should be consistent.

Finally, you have a few run-on sentences. For example:

Phoenix tried not to concentrate on the growing pit in his stomach, the one who always got when he had a bad feeling and decided to focus on the way his fingertips kept tingling and his ears seemed to twitch, there was a strange air floating about and he was itching to know why.

A run-on sentence is when you have two independent clauses adjoined; in this case, you've joined two independent clauses with a comma, making it a comma splice. Also, the other sentence is a bit clunky, so maybe consider rephrasing to:

Phoenix tried not to concentrate on the growing pit in his stomach – the one who always got when he had a bad feeling – and decided to focus on the way his fingertips kept tingling and his ears seemed to twitch. There was a strange air floating about, and he was itching to know why. 

Characterisation: 4/5

Your characterisation is fantastic. Phoenix, makes a great protagonist who shows complexity – even though he calls himself 'selfish', we see that he has a caring side – not wanting Trevor to throw away an entire scholarship for him (even though that it was sort of a lie). As well as that, there was the way he gushed over Dyna – it instantly makes him a relatable character. He also proves to be clever, picking up that Tyrian and his arranged marriage wouldn't happen in any lower class (leading to the prince reveal!)

I also like the contrast between him and Tyrian, who oozes that air of nobility – all regal, composed, and calm even when Phoenix can be quite sarcastic and sassy sometimes. It makes their banter all the more amusing and sweet.

Also, I love the fire-breathing twins. So much. "Who fucked up your face?" – what a brilliant line to make a strong impression!

However, make sure, in general, you avoid telling instead of showing. For example:

Obviously, Sadia was the more mature twin whereas Sariel seemed more childlike.

As the reader, we can already see it when Sadia rubs her temples while her brother refuses to shut up – you don't need to spell it out for us. By showing it through their dialogue, description, and interaction, it'll be more effective. 

Writing Style: 4/5

You write stunning descriptions. From the very start, I love seeing the farmer fields, the winter, and then all the detail was characterised by introducing Phoenix's thoughts on it. I absolute love, love, love the imagery you use – a stand-out moment for me was when they were riding the horse, and we see the pale sea rolling in thick waves, as well as that layer of gold from the sun. Gorgeous!

Just two small points – make sure your sentences are clear and make sense. For example:

"You're a human on an island with dragons and beings with magical powers," Sadia said with mocking.

'Said with mocking' doesn't quite make sense. Consider 'said mockingly.'

Another thing to watch out for repetitive sentence structures. When you have the same sentence structure a few times in a row, it gets a little jarring to read. Make sure you're using subordinating clauses or conjunctions to help, otherwise we have:

He sighed with a...

He gave a short...

He dumped his kit...

With all sentences boiling down to: he [verb] [the rest], it becomes repetitive and awkward reading it. 

Plot + Originality: 5/5

Your pacing and story-telling is fantastic, and the reader is never overwhelmed with information. Well done! I love your world-building thus far, and the interactions are engaging, and each chapter moves the story forward. Well done!

It's definitely a little hard to judge a plot with eight short chapters. So far, we've met Eric, Tyrian, and we are now in a wonderful realm with dragons and magical powers (also! In the last chapter, I think you spelt 'Eric' as 'Eri' by accident). While I can't judge the entire book and the progression of plot points since there isn't much uploaded, I can say that you have a very strong foundation.

Each chapter ends with a good hook – like that latest one, with poor Phoenix literally being fed some concoction, and with Tyrian walking in to see the drama. I have no complaints with the story so far in this section, so keep up the great work! I can't wait to hear about Phoenix's adventures, as well as this wonderful budding romance with Tyrian. 

OVERALL SCORE: 20/25

Overall, this was such a great foundation to a story. Make sure you go back and polish your grammar and punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!