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Review by Sunshine: Tale of the Power Walker

"Meeting dismissed." The headmaster said.

It should be:

"Meeting dismissed," the headmaster said.

Those aside, there were a few typos here and there. For example:

Tanks to Barrier Control, our town would look like...

I think you meant 'thanks.'

Characterisation: 3/5

You only have five chapters posted, and they are quite short, but I did find it hard to get a strong impression on Ellyn as a character. I did love her bits of sarcasm, like during the council meeting when she was internally like, 'Wow, thanks, council members, for telling me I need to have a child. I appreciate it so much.' – that made me laugh.

However, you have to remember that your story is in first person, and that brings a sense of intimacy between reader and character. So, when she picks up the photo-frame, you should take time out to properly describe it for us and show us what she sees. When memories come into her mind and she starts crying, we should be able to vividly picture it in our heads too. Otherwise, it's quite jarring.

Obviously, I can't say I know much about Damien because he was possessed by a demon for most of the chapters, but I'll be talking more about that in the next section anyways. 

Writing Style: 3/5

Overall, your writing was smooth and very easy to understand – so well done! However, I just found that the story, overall, was quite disorientating to read. I've tried to pick out the reasons why for you, and don't worry – when I say 'disorientating', I don't mean that it was hard to understand. I just meant that I often struggling to keep up with it.

First of all, setting the scene. In that first chapter, when she inhales the fresh nature, what does that smell like? What does the prey look like? If you want to captivate the reader – and I suppose this is more plot related – you need to do it quick. Flesh out the moment. Make her size up the prey, get so, so achingly close to getting it, and in the last moment, have Damien ruin it for being noisy up in the tree. That way, we're drawn in because of action. We're drawn in because we instantly see tension.

You had some nice and detailed moments of description – describing the smell of her house as vanilla and lilac, and also showing us the main hall with very specific details. Make sure you don't accidentally slip into using vague expressions, such as medieval tables and chairs, because, at the end of the day, most readers may not know what a medieval table or chair looks like. You have to describe it to them.

Be careful of repetitive sentence structures, too. When you have three sentences in a row that are similarly phrased, it can be a bit jarring to read. For example:

I mentally pushed...

I heard a grunt...

I released a sigh...

Spice it up by using conjunctions, subordinating clauses, and just overall making sure that not every sentence starts with a pronoun.

Also, consistency. When you have characters speaking using telepathy, you need to make sure it's consistent with how you format it. I'm not picky – I think that's an author's decision entirely, but you did change it from chapter to chapter. For example, in the first chapter:

"You just had to scare it away, didn't you?" I projected my voice into Damien's head. [italics, quotation marks]

Then, in one of the later chapters:

Well, if that concludes this meeting, Damien and I shall take our leave, I said through the new link. [no italics, no quotation marks]

Plot + Originality: 3/5

One of the points I mentioned earlier was how you could flesh out moments and really draw the reader in, and I think that's something that, overall, you should build on. Really extend your scenes so that readers can immerse themselves into the writing or, at the very least, feel the tension that needs resolving.

For example, let's go back to the meeting. It was disconcerting because, really, we have no idea what was going on. We still aren't familiar with what 'energy' is, and we have no idea why, exactly, Ellyn is pushing that 'energy' when she has that little showdown with black-haired lady. Later on, we see it to be a sort of challenge – but that needs to be emphasised then and there, because it was just confusing. Especially since we are in first person, where the narrator's thoughts are usually so clear to us.

Another example: the first chapter. Maybe consider having Damien, as his normal self, talk to Ellyn a bit more before changing into a human (and getting possessed by a demon). That way, we get a bigger sense of his character so that, later on, when he becomes standoffish, the reader feels it too and feels suspicious towards him. Right now, we have barely a glimpse of what the normal Damien is, so when Ellyn says he's acting different, we have no evidence to cling on to.

And also, that moment when she uses The Vacuum to soak up the negative energy and get rid of the demon? Once again – that is a perfect moment to introduce some tension, some action, some drama. Make it a moment. Don't gloss over it.

Also, when she shifts into human form, describe what that feels like. Make us understand and believe the mechanics underpinning the magic. It'll make the writing more immersive, and it'll help slow down the pace for the reader.

And, this is not so much a critique but an idea: rather than telling, telling, telling the reader all about the podium, the four colours, the rainbow that happened with Ellyn and how that makes her special, consider making a prologue? Make a nice, dramatic prologue where it's just this girl going up to the podium, knowing what to expect, but getting the full rainbow instead. Then, you could have a dramatic end to capture the reader – something like, 'From that day and onwards, she knew that she was the one.'

Sorry, I'm getting carried away with ideas. I do that when I'm passionate, and I really do like the idea that you have going! Keep building on it, and I can't wait to hear about how your story grows as you continue to write.

OVERALL SCORE: 15.5/25

Overall, a fantastic premise! Make sure you work on your punctuation and really flesh out your scenes, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!