Thandolwami (on hold)

Chapter 16

Finally, mama was discharged from hospital.

Dad was going to get her, l couldn't bring myself to face her and so l opted to remain behind with sis Mavy, making her a welcome home dinner.

*

It had been 3 days since Gilbert broke up with me.

3 days and 3 nights of crying myself to sleep.

Life had lost its flavor. I felt l had nothing to look forward to anymore. I had made Gilbert my world. I trusted him and believed in his promises so much that l had not left an allowance for an alternative reality.

All of a sudden l didn't have a plan anymore. I didn't know who l was without Gilbert because he had been the closest person to me for a long time. We shared secrets, we had planned our lives around each other. I didn't get how it was so easy for him to just walk away from us and not look back after all we had been through..

It was very hard in the mornings , when l would wake up expecting to see a text message from him saying good morning, but none ever came.

During the day time l would keep myself occupied, and then the nights became hard too as l would see him online, but he would not send me a message.
I wished with all my might, that l could see my phone ring with his contact on my screen. But it never happened.
It hurt to know that the person l was aching to talk to, was okay without me.
Was living his life normally while l was in torment every breathing second.

I felt physically sick, like something had been taken out of me. I could be buying vegetables in town and tears would fall.

I could be watching news on tv and see something that reminded me of him, and tears would fall.

On their own.

It appeared l had no control over my tear ducts anymore.
My heart was bleeding.

Twice, Thuso had called, checking up on me. We didn't really have much of a conversation, he would ask how l was and how my day had been, and that would be it.

I was sad, l was lonely, l was heartbroken and vulnerable. No one in my family was talking to me. My friends would check up on me here and there, but it wasn't the same.

So as l cried myself to sleep the night before mama came home, l made a decision that l was not going to continue like this anymore.

I took my phone and l deleted every trace of Gilbert from my phone, his pictures, texts, call logs and contacts.

I thought l would feel better after l did but l didn't, l still knew his contact by head.

Now mama was coming home and l decided, the fighting had to stop.

**

It felt awkward at the same time relieving to have mama back home again.

She came in with dad, looking tired but way more alive than when she had left the house. I was grateful to God for healing her. She took a shower and then joined us for dinner.

We made light conversations during the meal, mostly about hospital food versus home cooked meals. Mama said hospital food was not bad, it's just that everyone was too sick to enjoy it, but she was happy to be back home.

After dinner l helped sis Mavy to clear the dinner table and to wash the dishes, then went back to the lounge for evening prayer.

Sis Mavy dismissed herself to rest for the night and l remained in the lounge with my parents watching tv.

"Your brothers are coming home tomorrow" dad said, "l spoke to Ngqabutho he is already in transit, Ishmael is leaving Botswana early in the morning"

"Oh, that's great" l responded, "journey mercies to them"

Dad grunted in response as he massaged mamas feet, mama continued watching tv and did not join in the conversation.

"So, ehm, l was wondering if we could talk about what happened on my birthday?" I said carefully choosing my words.

Dad sighed, "not now Ntando, your mother is still recovering, or do you want to finish her off?"

"We will have a family meeting tomorrow when your brothers are here" mama joined then you can say whatever you want to say"

"Actually, I'd rather say it now" l insisted, worried that if l slept on it one more night, l could change my mind, "Please?"

"Okay we are listening" mama said giving me a tired look.

My hands felt sweaty and l found my self wringing them non stop, "I'm sorry about that l made you so angry to the point of having a heart attack" I said.

My parents didn't respond.

"I'm sorry that l did exactly what l knew you did not want me to do" l continued, "in my defense, Gilbert is really a good guy, and l thought-"

"Ntando" Dad interrupted, "an apology looses its meaning if you are going to defend or justify your actions."

I pursed my lips and continued, "I'm sorry"

Awkward silence. Mama and dad did not respond.

"I have decided that l, er.. will marry Thuso"

Mama sat up.

Dad gave me a serious stare, "are you sure about what you are saying?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I want to make it up to you, and honor your wishes. You are my parents, you know what's best for me"

Mama's hand went up to her chest. She heaved slightly.

"Are you okay Mama?" Dad asked her worriedly. I too was wide eyed wondering if l was causing her second heart attack.

"Yes!" She said breathlessly ,with a smile on her face. "Yes I'm more than fine! Thank you my girl, that's good news!"

"I will talk to the Mokoenas" dad said more to himself than to me.

"Okay" l mumbled.

Dad looked at me with a stern face and said "Ntando you need to know that after this , there is no backing away"

I nodded, "l know, good night"

"Good night" my parent responded in unison.