what came before won't count anymore · deh

xxxiii (fin.)

there's a silence in the air as evan sits on connor's bed one day, two almost-summers later.

his boyfriend's bed.

it's been almost a year, now, and evan has never felt such a sense of peace and calm in his life.

and that... well, that's saying something.

he's still medicated. obviously. he still feels anxiety that threatens to choke him every single time he breathes too deeply. obviously. he still... well. sometimes, he still wants to die.

but rome wasn't built in a day.

evan sits against the headboard of connor's bed as connor lies in his lap, hair wild and messy but somehow still surprisingly okay and obviously still unsurprisingly connor. evan runs his hands through the locks with absentminded fingers, being gentle when he catches on a gnarl or a knot and taking the time to take it with his fingers.

in his other hand, evan is on his phone scrolling through twitter. it's something that helps to ground him, even though the world is moving so, so fast.

nothing else is new. why would that be?

evan had taken a gap year after his high school graduation. he was due to graduate, really, soon after... the incident. and he had.

he applied to schools around the country, having saved enough money to do so guilt-free and, well, liability-free to his mom.

he'd gotten a full ride to eckerd college in florida, a school renowned for its environmental studies program. that day, he thinks, was his happiest. leaving his mother behind was going to be the hardest thing, even though she'd threatened to follow him all the way to the sunshine state.

(he doesn't think it's an empty threat. and he really doesn't mind.)

connor had been attending a local community college, and he had plans to transfer after this second year. to god-knows where, to do god-knows-what. he was okay, for now.

okay is enough, evan would say, but he didn't want to break the silence.

rome wasn't built in a day.

connor's sister had graduated just last month and immediately left the horrible house she lived in. connor—well, he'd gotten around to his parents. but zoe knew that this environment was suppressive, was invasive. she'd met a girl she grew to love and moved across the state to start at college in the summer term. she was going to study music, and had big orchestra life plans.

a deep breath on connor's part interrupted evan's thoughts. he blinked, looking down into his lap at connor's eyes. soft, light eyes, reflective of the sunlight that poured through the open blackout curtains.

"hey," evan said softly, his voice raspy. the two hadn't spoken in a bit.

"hey," connor replied, and evan noticed that the smile was already overtaking his face.

they stared at each other for a bit. evan didn't know what connor was thinking, but all he could think about was how lucky he was. just to exist in the same time as connor, as this boy he loved so much.

"i love you," connor said finally, breaking the silence. he smiled softly, his lips closed.

"i love you too," evan echoed, leaning down gently to give connor a kiss on the forehead.

then, the room was still again. and evan could exhale.