Bloodbath of the Fallen Crown

17

"I'll kill you."

He scoffed, "again? I thought you were done bringing me to my knees, nena. But, please, if you have any more ways you'd wish to tear me apart, do so. You did it so poetically last time. Remember? I do. All of it. Every last detail."

I swallowed hard. I could never forget the things I said to him. They felt true at the time. They felt like what I had to say. Still, the hurt me. They broke me even further. "Get off me... Now."

He ignored what I said. "Tell me. How did it feel to walk over everyone and everything? To bring down everyone who cared for you. To only think of yourself." When I pressed myself against the wall, he smirked. "What was it that you told me that time you nearly had me killed? Let me think... Ah! You said that nothing mattered as long as you got what you wanted. What do you want now, Si--Tas? Retribution? Status? Respect? What are you willing to do to get it?"

Sia.

That one word hurt worse than anything else he's said to me did.

I don't expect Nicolas to forgive me. I hurt him horribly. I broke him because Mussolini broke me. I pushed him away because I was scared and I was angry and I didn't want his voice of reason in my head. I didn't want to have something to lose if I went the dark way. I didn't want to be afraid of him seeing what I was becoming. I didn't want to feel guilty if he worried for me. I didn't want to feel as broken as I did when I heard him through my bedroom door in those days he'd sleep outside of my room.

I remember those days. I remember laying next to the door, listening to everything he said to me. I remember the tears that seemed endless when he would tell me how much he loved me. I remember praying to any god that they helped me believe him. I remember Mussolini's voice in my head telling me he was lying. Telling me he didn't save me like I hoped for. That praying everyday I was in that cage for him to come and save and hug me and tell me he was never going to let anything happen to me was for nothing.

I remember listening to his pleas for me to open and wanting to do it so bad. I remember almost opening it once and giving it all up for him. I remember crying so hard and running to the bathroom and punching my mirror. I remember trying to drown myself in the bathtub.

I needed him so much and he was there for me always. I could have hugged him anytime I wanted to. I could have kissed and hugged him but I couldn't bring myself to trust him. I didn't know why I didn't. I just didn't. I had Mussolini's voice in my head reminding me that all I needed was me and anyone else was a liability.

So I just hurt him and hurt him and broke him until he didn't come back anymore just so I wouldn't be tempted.

I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve forgiveness, mostly because if I was put back in that situation, I would do the same thing.

I learned a lot by myself. I learned a lot from having the only people who loved me, not wanting to see me. It gave me a rough awakening, so if I had to do it again, I would. Every time.

I'm still flawed, but I built myself up on my own. I have a greedy desire for power and don't trust anyone still. I am just rekindling my relationships with others and drown myself in work to avoid speaking to them. I have nightmares and sometimes drink myself to oblivion when I start getting flashbacks. I'm scared I'll relapse and become an addict again. Hell, I don't even take pain killers anymore, afraid it'll worsen my already-there cravings.

But I love myself for the fact that I was the one who created myself. I'm not Angelo Mussolini's project. I'm not Michael Rios' creation. I'm Anastasia Bianchi. No one can take that away from me.

And, to force myself not to crumble in front of him and cry until he left me alone, I put up a strong front. And I did what I do best when it comes to people who can bring me to my knees. I hurt.