Living with Ana

Chapter 9: Hatred, in more ways than one (**Trigger warning**)

When Vanessa finally gets home a little after eight, she stomps through the door and heads straight to her room without taking off her shoes or even looking at me. Not that I'm surprised. I mean she probably hates me; not that I blame her, I mean, I hate me too.

Everyone was giving up on me. They were all leaving me; nobody cares about what happens to me. My own sister..I mean I'm aware today’s events were all my fault, trust me, I know, but despite everything, I needed my sister. She was the one who would be there for me in the end, right?

I'm ashamed of what I did today; I am not proud of it. I'm sure as hell not proud of who I am, either. I hate who I've become, what I've become. I hate what my eating disorder is doing to me. It's eating me up, controlling everything around me. I just feel like its puppet..whatever my master says, I do it, like I have strings attached to me. I don't control my own life anymore, and everything around me was crumbling because of it.

I sigh and make my way upstairs to Vanessa's room. I knock on the door and then enter a few seconds later when she doesn't respond. "Hey," I sit on her bed. She's sitting at her desk, and is on her laptop listening to music. She doesn't turn around.

"V, can we talk?" Silence. "I know you can hear me," I try. Still nothing. Finally, I stand up and hit the Mute button on her laptop. "Look, I know I had absolutely no right to slap you, but you have to understand that when I tell you to leave me be, you should respect that instead of instigating me," I explain.

She doesn't move. "I can't let you kill yourself, Lilia. You're my sister, okay? It's not easy for me to watch you destroy yourself. I know I was being a rude bitch in the hospital, but you're destroying everyone around you with your eating disorder."

I suck in my breath and don't exhale. "Honestly, I don't know where you’re getting this idea that I have an eating disorder. Because I don't, I promise. I've just been so upset lately with the whole thing with Sofia, and Mom and Dad and everything that I've lost my appetite. Once everything returns to normal, I'll be fine. I am fine; honestly there is nothing to worry about."

That was the biggest lie I ever told my sister in my life.

"I want to believe you, Lilia, but I'll believe it when I see it," she argues. "V, you and I have different ways with handling things. I'm more fragile than you are; I don't handle things as well as you do. I just need time to adjust; I swear I'll be fine." Lies lies lies.

She just looks at me for a second. "Okay," she says, although she doesn't even sound like she convinced herself.

****

Friday after school, V and I decide to go to the hospital one more time before the storm hits. Once we arrive, V decides she wants to go to the gift shop so she can buy Mom and Dad a little something, from the both us. She asks if I want to help pick out the present, but I said I wanted to go see Mom by myself for a bit.

When I step into the hospital room, Mom's resting her eyes and doesn't know that I'm there at first. Once I sit on the edge of her bed, her eyes pop open. Except she doesn't smile, or greet me at all. She just looks at me, like she either doesn't know who I am, or she doesn't want to know who I am.

"Hi, Mama," I say. "Hi," she replies evenly. "How are you doing?" She purses her lips. "I'm not very happy with the way you acted yesterday, Lilia," she says, ignoring my question. "You're attitude is despicable." Whoa. I guess I deserved that, I mean, I'm just despicable in general.

"I'm sorry," I apologize. "I'm very disappointed about what you did to your sister. You should be ashamed in yourself. I shouldn't even be talking to you." Each word that spills out of her mouth hurts more than the last. I dig my nails into my cuts so I don't explode. Finally, she pulls the last straw. "I want you to leave my room. I don't want to see you right now."