Living with Ana

Chapter 7: Relief..kinda..(*Trigger Warning*)

**TRIGGER WARNING** This part contains the main character self harming, I probably wouldn't recommend reading this part if this relates to you, or if you find it triggering thanks xox Stay Strong

Chapter 7: Relief..in a way

Once we arrive at home, I trudge upstairs, not even walking into the kitchen. I sit on the edge of my bed and don't move for a minute. Then, anger takes over me, and I kick one of the legs on my desk, hard. I knock over a pile of books on my nightstand and throw all of the things on my love-seat on the floor. I angrily throw open the drawer of my desk and pick up a small flower pattern box.

I throw the lid on the floor and pick up a hand pencil sharpener and maneuver a blade out of it. I stare at the blade like it grew three heads, and I get angrier for even thinking about what I was about to do. After throwing my stuff around my room and ripping up papers some more in complete outrage, I collapse on the floor on the opposite side of my bed, away from the door.

I haven't done this in ages. The last time I did this was when found out my ex was cheating on me. I vowed never to do it again, but I couldn't take it anymore. I was slowly falling apart and I couldn't do anything about it. Everyone was leaving me. Everything was breaking me. It was all too much.

I unbutton my pants and scooch them down enough so I can see my hipbone sticking out. I take the blade and draw three long lines along my hip, the stinging bringing back old memories. Once I started, I couldn't stop. It was an addiction, something I couldn't control.

This was my way of letting go. My way of forgetting my problems and dealing with myself hatred. I hate that I do this, really, I do. It makes me feel even worse about myself. I hate that I hate myself enough to do this.

After the blood starts to pour, I stand up crying and run to the bathroom, putting pressure on the cuts. It takes a good two to three minutes to get the cuts to stop bleeding and bandaged. I stand over the sink and look at my dreary face in the mirror.

I'm pale as the winter's snow, my makeup is dripping down my face with my tears, and I have dark, hideous circles under my eyes. My lips are dried and cracked and my eyes, which are normally alive and bright, are dull and tired from all the tears that have left them in the past week.

Why is this happening to me?

I hate myself.

How did things get this bad?

Everything around me was diminishing;

Leaving me to suffer by myself.

Please, is anyone here to help me?

I pad out of the bathroom, having to be careful about the way I move. I don't want to deal with anything after I change into my pajamas and look around my disastrous room. My phone dings, and I see I have a new text from Connor, asking how I was doing.

Just dandy, I think to myself as I turn off my phone, not responding. It was easier to not deal with anyone or anything at this point. Disappointed in myself from tonight's events, I crawl into bed, empty stomached. But, that was the best way to go.

*****

The next morning, I wake up at 6:43. Already running late, I sit up slowly with a pounding headache. I gently stand up, my cuts causing me excruciating pain. I shuffle across the hall to V's room, to see that she's still in bed.

"Vanessa! Get up already! I can't afford to be late another day!" I stumble as I step into her room, and I grab onto the door frame to keep from falling over. She rolls over and opens one eye. "I don't want to," she says simply. "Let's stay home today. The school will understand since we're going through so much. I'll text Auntie to call us out."

"You don't have to tell me twice," I say, trudging back to my room. I return to bed from another text from Connor. Good morning babe, how are you? It reads. Why is he so wonderful? Good morning handsome, I type. I'm actually not doing so well. I have a headache and V and I are going to stay home today; we're dealing with a lot right now.

His response comes back almost immediately. Okay babe. I'll stop by after school. Feel better<3 I don't know about you, but a boyfriend that sends you hearts is a keeper. I was happy to start my day off in a semi-good mood for once.

****

I wake up for the second time that morning before V does. I go downstairs and take a bowl out of the cabinet and sprinkle a few Frosted Flakes inside. I put a spoon inside and splash in a drop of milk. I place it in the clean sink so it looks like I ate a bowl of cereal that normal teenagers would usually do. But then you have me.

I boil some water for some chamomile tea and switch on the TV. I was channel surfing when my eye caught a weather alert on one of the main news channels. "....a nor'easter on the east coast is expected this weekend before Halloween, in case you haven't heard yet. The Channel News 8 Team recommends you start preparing and gather your supplies today."

A nor'easter? Near Halloween? Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it..then again New England weather is the most unpredictable that there is. What concerned me the most is what Vanessa and I were going to do if we lost power; but I guess Auntie would just come over here, or we would go over to her house.

The water boils, and I get up to make my tea. I take six vitamins; two multi-vitamins, two fruit supplements and two vegetable. I swallow the last few when V comes clumping down the stairs. "There's going to be a snow storm this weekend," I announce.

She raises her eyebrows. "You know it's still October, right?" She takes the remainder of the boiled water and makes herself a calorie-loaded-fattening mug of hot chocolate. "Yes, smart ass, I'm aware. I don't make the weather; I just report what I hear."

"Is it supposed to be bad?" She toasts herself a bagel and grabs a full-calorie and full-fat yogurt from the fridge. How gross. Her breakfast is probably half of her calorie intake for the day. "Yeah, they're telling everyone to start preparing now; we're most likely going to lose power, so we should tell Auntie to come over Friday night," I suggest.

"Oh," She sips her hot chocolate. "I forgot to tell you. This morning when I texted Auntie to call us out of school, she told me she's going out of town until next Thursday. She has some lame conference or something important," she explains, spreading pure fat, I mean cream cheese, over her bagel.

"Well damn. Mom and Dad probably won't be discharged until next week either because I'm sure the Doctor's don't want them to be in a house without any running water or heat; at least they have generators over there." V chews thoughtfully. "Well where are we supposed to stay? Auntie didn't know about the storm and it's most likely to late too late for her to cancel her trip." She said, worrying. "Let's just take it by day, then. We don't know how bad it's actually going to get." I assure her.

Around three, I hear Connor come in through the back door. I sit up from my nap on the couch, smiling at him, still in my pajamas. "Hello lovely," he says, causing butterflies in my stomach. I reach up and hug him.

We talk for what seems like hours. I tell him everything, about what's going on..for the most part. There's still so much he doesn't know; but it's really for his own good. I don't want to hurt people anymore with my problems. I don't want to have them be forced to deal with me anymore than they already have to. And that's why I keep to myself.

Then we talk about the storm and I tell him how Vanessa and I are basically screwed because we have no one around here to stay with. He sighs. "Lil for Christ's sake. You know that you're ALWAYS welcome at my house for however long you need. You should know that." He puts his arm around me.

"Yeah, I knew that, but it's just the fact that Vanessa and I have no family. Are parents are going to be gone for God knows how long and I feel like my friends are all bailing on me. It's like I have no one." My chin wobbles, but I will not allow myself to cry. Again.

"Aw, babe." He intertwines me in hug. I sniffle. "It doesn't matter what's been going on lately. No matter what, you will always have me. I promise not to leave you." He kisses me. And for right now, all I need is him. Not that I had anyone else for that matter.