I See You (Campus Crush series)

16

**

I felt ashamed.

I'd never turned to alcohol in an attempt to run away from my issues. That seemed... counter productive.

I took my breakfast to the guest room and practically locked myself there. I knew I should've been using this time to talk to my daughter or spend a moment with my son. I just felt like such a failure as a dad right now that it was too discouraging. Hiding out in this room wasn't the brightest idea, but it beats alcohol.

I wonder what time it is.

I didn't bother to find out. Lifting my head from this pillow felt like a chore so I just shut my eyes, hoping to sleep.

A soft knock interrupted that thought and I sighed. "Come in!"

"It's locked," David said.

I slowly pulled myself up and went to unlock the door.

"You alright? You never came for breakfast."

I rubbed my forehead. "I ate in here. I'm good; I was about to sleep. Did you want to talk to Dawn about those girls?"

"I do, but we need to solve our problem before we try to fix hers. I'm guessing you don't remember our conversation yesterday?"

"Yesterday's kinda blank for me so not really."

David but his lip, thinking for a second. "Casper, I don't want to fight."

I looked down then nodded. "I don't either."

"Will you walk with me? Maybe through the park nearby. We could clear our heads and just... listen to each other. Really listen."

"Okay. Yeah, I'd like that."

He waited for me to put on some shoes then we headed out the door.

"You know me so well," I said. "Nature never fails to make me feel better. So. Wanna fill me in on yesterday's atrocities?"

"Oh, come on. You weren't that bad, really. It just came as a shock, seeing you that way."

"Did I do or say something regrettable?"

"No. You talked to me about Avery and how you think you haven't done right by him or me or Dawn. It was very heartbreaking to hear."

My shoulders fell. Seemed I caused a bit more trouble for myself than I'd expected.

"The situation with Dawn... it kind of opened my eyes to our issue. I get why you feel like you don't have all the answers, or the whole truth. But I also remember a time when I kept Rowan's life a secret from you. You trusted me to speak my mind when I was ready to, even though I didn't deserve your patience."

"So, are you asking for time?"

"I think I am. Yes."

He nodded, completely accepting my wish. I was happy that we'd agreed to be nonjudgmental on our walk. "What about space?"

I shrugged, unable to decide. "Depends if I get that kiss you owe me."

He stopped in front of me, holding the back of my neck and bridging the gap between us. I rested my hands on his chest, receiving his kiss.

"Will you come back to our bed? Please," he pleaded with his lips still against mine.

I was inclined to give him whatever he desired, so it was impossible to refuse. "Yes. I will." We separated and he offered me his arm, which I didn't hesitate to hug before we continued our walk in the gorgeous sunlit park. My day was brighter by that action alone. He was my happy place.

"Is this us reconciling?" I asked quietly.

He drew in a breath. "I don't expect to earn your forgiveness with a simple 'I'm sorry.' I'm going to work toward it, I promise."

"Same for me. I was wrong, too."

David made a face. "Who, my angel? In the wrong?" He pretended to think over it, making me laugh—really laugh—for the first time in days. "No, not possible," he concluded. "Listen. Now that we're being transparent, I think you deserve a reason why I reacted the way I did. It wasn't like me."

"No, David. Seriously, it's fine-"

"It's not." He shook his head, clearly disappointed in himself. "One of the reasons our conversation yesterday broke my heart was because I felt the same way you did. It made me sad not being able to see you as much as I wanted every day. I know how important your job is, of course. Anyway, I was probably just overthinking things but something about you seemed off for quite a while. The day you got into that fight, I was planning to speak to you about this. But then I overheard what your coworker said and I handled it poorly."

I led him close to a bench where we took a seat to have the rest of our honest discussion.

"I have to admit something. You're right; I wasn't myself. I'm still not. The truth is, there were times when being around Avery felt wrong and dishonest. So when I was labeled a cheater, it stung."

David sighed, then he caressed my cheek affectionately. "You're not what he called you. You're not what I accused you of. You cared about him, Casper. You cared about another human being who was awaiting his death; that doesn't make you a cheater. Every moment you were with him, you were exactly the man that I fell in love with. Caring, empathetic, sweet. You fought for him to live, and he got to see another day."

I softly smiled.

"And," he added, "If you're ever attracted to someone else, feel free to be open about it. Tell me there's this person who makes you smile or gives you butterflies. I just... I don't want secrets."

"Well, I do know this one guy..." I shifted closer to him with a teasing grin.

"Really? What's his name?"

"I think it was David Larsen or something like that. Think you know him?"

"Never heard of him." I laughed. "But yeah. We definitely needed this talk. I should've been more understanding. Less selfish. Less jealous."

I gazed at him with a newfound adoration. "I'm glad we're at this point. Finally, for the very first time since I've loved you, I have seen this side of you. You're always empathetic, and insightful, which is amazing. Maybe it's your education and your job that makes you step back and keep your composure. But I never knew you could be flawed and it's refreshing to see. I say be selfish. Lose your shit if you need to. I'll still treasure you."

"Honestly, I'm more than ready to drop the whole thing," he confessed. "I miss my husband; I wanna hold him. That's all I want."

"I want you to hold me too." I hugged his waist, sinking into his chest as he held me close. We stayed in that position for maybe an hour, letting ourselves enjoy the fresh air and the warm sun.

While his company and the nature around us made me feel infinitely better, it wasn't long before this short lived happiness started to plummet.

It came in a wave of fear, then anxiety.

I loved my job, so why was I numb to the possibility of losing my medical license? And why were there racists in this world? Why did my daughter have to encounter one? Why did I know in my heart it wouldn't be the last time? Why did I know I couldn't protect our children forever?

"David?" I called, feeling my eyes growing wet. "I think I might be depressed. I also think it's getting worse."

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