The little one

23

"Yes." I nodded

"Could you start by telling me why you think you're here?"

"Because I was anorexic and I could've killer myself."

"No that's what you think everyone else thinks, I'm asking about you, so what do you think."

"I'm here because... it was a mistake and I didn't mean for any of it to happen I felt like pure shit and I let his words get to me, I didn't mean to." I burst into tears, with the first question i started to cry, I couldn't do this I couldn't be strong.

The last handed me some tissues and gave me a warm smile. It made me feel safer but then it also make me feel weak as I felt vulnerable as any question she asks I could let the answer just slip right out of me. I wiped my tears with the tissues and took a deep breath.

"I'm going to ask you a few questions about what you just said anytime you want me to stop just say the word orange during our sessions and I'll stop okay?"

I nodded and felt more in control about the whole situation, therefore I felt less weak and vulnerable.

"Who is he? What has he done? To make you feel this bad about yourself to make you feel trapped and made you feel like that was the only way you can go about it."

"His name is Noah." I swallowed and felt tears form in my eyes again. "He asked me on a date and I was excited and really happy. I went and got raped..." I was proud of myself to manage to say it without bursting into tears.

The therapist didn't show any reaction to what I said and instead wrote down some notes. Once she finished she looked at me "has he been arrested?"

"Yes, the trial is next week."

"Are you scared of having to see him again?"

"No." I shook my head, I always thought i was scared of seeing him but I guess I wasn't. But I still felt a feeling in my stomach and I knew it meant I was scared but what was I scared of now that I figured out it wasn't him.

"Are you scared of what might happen? If he might get out and hurt other people the way he hurt you?"

"Yes, I'm scared that someone will have to go through that, that he'll be after me and this whole nightmare will never come to a stop and I'll never be able to wake up from it."

As I spoke I saw her write more notes. "What triggered you into making yourself sick? was there a certain word? Memory?"

"While it was all happening he called me a lot of things but I didn't hear most of them because I was screaming at him to stop but he didn't listen. I heard him say things about my appearance, negative things and words like "fat, ugly." I wanted to shake them off but I couldn't

By the time I realised I wouldn't be able to stop thinking of those words I also thought that everyone else would see me as that and it would be weird if only one person saw me like that... i lost all the confidence I had which really wasn't a lot.

And then if I saw people looking at me I would just assume the worse that they were thinking that and soon enough I saw myself through everyone else's eyes. Then that's when my mind started playing tricks on me, my clothes felt really tight on me as if I couldn't breathe.